Texting Trickery
by Blondygirly98
Summary: Texts between the avengers! Warning: FrostIron, Stony and more.
1. Chapter 1

**A/N I've read a few stories where they involve the Avenger's texting each other, and I think it's a pretty cool idea, so I'm going to try it. If you like my story, please review! Sure, I like follows and all that, but I love reviews even more!**

**Disclaimer: I'm a teenage girl. I am not Marvel. You do the math.**

**Ok math is hard and boring so lemme sum it up for you: I do not own Marvel's characters.**

_**Chapter One – Yeah, I Can't Think Up A Better Chapter Title**_

_GREETINGS, ANTHONY EDWARD STARK_

**Tony: **_Uh, who's this?_

_IT IS I, THOR ODINSON, GOD OF THUNDER_

**Tony: **_Thor? Since when do you know how to operate a phone?_

**Thor: **_EYE OF HAWK SHOWED ME THE WAY OF THE MOBILE. HE ALSO SHOWED ME THE BOOK OF FACES AND THE GOOGLE_

**Tony: **_Of course he would. It's "Facebook" and "Google", buddy, and why are you texting in all capitals?_

**Thor: **_I KNOW NOT HOW TO TURN OF THIS CAPS OF LOCK_

**Tony: **_lol_

**Thor: **_:(_

**Tony: **_Sorry, but your pain amuses me. :P_

**Thor: **_I HAVE INDEED ENDURED GREAT SUFFERING. EYE OF HAWK "GOOGLED" SOMETHING IN IMAGES AND WHAT SHOWED UP HAS SCARRED ME FOR LIFE._

**Tony: **_Well, porn is pretty scarring. Clint was just messing with you though._

**Thor: **_EYE OF HAWK CALLED IT BY ANOTHER NAME. HE DUBBED IT "THORKI"_

**Tony: **_Oh he didn't! Lol haha_

**Thor: **_IT IS NOT FUNNY, MAN OF IRON. LOKI IS MY BROTHER, I WOULD NEVER . . . JUST . . . HOW COULD MORTALS THINK OF SUCH THINGS?_

**Loki: **_You mentioned my name? What did I do now? *Pouts innocently*_

**Tony: **_Clint showed Thor how to use a mobile, and he also showed him Thorki._

**Thor: **_MY DEAR BROTHER, I AM RELIEVED YOU DO NOT KNOW OF THIS "THORKI" AS –_

**Loki: **_Omg he did not! Lol! _

**Thor: **_LOKI, YOU KNOW OF THIS . . . THIS INDECENT ART MORTALS HAVE MADE OF US?_

**Tony: **_I thought it was pretty decent. ;)_

**Loki: **_Brother, that is nothing. You should see what the mortals have done with "FrostIron"._

**Thor: **_AND WHO IS THIS FROSTIRON ABOUT?_

**Loki: **_Stark and I._

**Thor: **_. . . THE VISUALS_

**Tony: **_Lol._

**Loki: **_Lol._

**Tony: **_FrostIron is pretty hot, actually. I mean, hello, me._

**Loki: **_I find it quite . . . intriguing. Maybe these mortals will allow you and I, Tony, to pose for their art? I am not one to get in the way of a masterpiece._

**Thor: **_OH MY ODIN, PLEASE STOP._

**Tony: **_*ignoring Thor* I agree Loki. I mean, if the masterpiece has me in it, go right ahead. _

**Loki: **_And I find those positions in the mortal's works of art quite fascinating. Can you really lift your leg up that high, Stark?_

**Thor: **_I DEMAND YOU STOP TALKING ABOUT FROSTIRON AT ONCE._

**Tony: **_Depends Loki . . . are you prepared to do those things to me?_

**Thor: **_STOP! THE VISUALS! MY MIND HAS BEEN TAINTED BY THE MORTAL'S "FROSTIRON". I WILL LEAVE THIS CONVERSATION IF YOU DO NOT MOVE ON._

**Loki: **_*also ignoring Thor* you'll see Tony. Why don't you come over? I'll show you how high _I _can lift my leg up._

**Thor: **_BROTHER, STOP_

**Tony: **_I guess I'll be seeing you shortly then, Loki ;)_

**Thor: **_MAN OF IRON, STOP FLIRTING WITH MY BROTHER. HE DOES NOT LIKE IT._

**Loki: **_Actually Thor, you're speaking for yourself here. I'll be ready for you Tony . . . ready to show you a wonderful time._

**Thor: **_BROTHER NOOOOOOOO!_

**Tony: **_. . ._

**Loki: **_. . ._

**Thor: **_Huzzah, I have gained the knowledge of how to rid my phone of this caps of lock!_

**Thor: **_. . . Tony? Loki?_

**Thor: **_:(_


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N Well this is turning out to be pretty easy. I've done two chapters in approximately an hour (maybe a bit more). I got part of the first part of this from just looking up funny Stony, I think it was, and it had a text conversation between Tony and Steve.**

**Disclaimer: You think I own any part of this story? That's cute.**

**Oh and it was only after I posted this that I realised fanfiction changed my text love hearts to a "3". Anyway, if you see a "3" between Tony and Steve it's a love heart.**

_**Chapter Two – How Do You Like My Original Chapter Title?**_

**Steve: **_Tony . . . you aren't answering my calls._

**Tony: **_I can't pick up right now. I'm in the middle of something._

**Steve: **_But I miss you._

**Tony: **_I miss you too. I can't talk anymore; I'm getting shot at._

**Steve: **_But I'm naked . . . _

**Tony: **_. . . I'll be right there._

_*Later*_

**Tony: **_Steve you lied. You aren't naked. _

**Tony: **_:(_

**Steve: **_How would you know?_

**Tony: **_I was outside your window just now, in my iron man suit. You were playing some video game. More importantly, you were fully clothed._

**Steve: **_. . . These clothes aren't permanently stuck on me, Tony._

**Tony: **_I know. Speaking of which, those pants don't suit you. Take them off._

**Steve: **_I'm not in the mood anymore Tony._

**Tony: **_*pout* I'll show you my arc reactor._

**Steve: **_I've seen your arc reactor. Everyone's seen your arc reactor. Even Nick Fury._

**Tony: **_Steve, the visuals. Also, by arc reactor I really mean "arc reactor"._

**Steve: **_. . . I'll be right there._

_*The Next Morning*_

**Tony: **_. . . Steve._

**Steve: **_Yeah? 3_

**Tony: **_I think I might love you._

**Steve: **_Aw, shucks.__I bet you say that to all the guys. 3_

**Tony: **_There's only been one guy who's seen my arc reactor._

**Steve: **_. . . Nick Fury?_

**Tony: **_Steve! I mean you!_

**Steve: **_Of course you do. 3 I think I might love you too._

**Tony: **_. . . 3_

**Loki: **_Some of us are still trying to get rid of the visuals we received when two certain people "went at it" last night. Wait a few more hours before you start that up again, ok?_

**Tony: **_Loki, get out of our conversation._

**Steve: **_How do you know about us, Loki?_

**Loki: **_I tried not to hear you two, but it was kind of hard to ignore all the noise you were making._

**Tony: **_. . . _

**Steve: **_. . . _

**Loki: **_And everyone else in the Avengers tower heard you two as well. _

**Tony: **_Everyone?_

**Loki: **_Everyone. _

**Steve: **_. . ._

**Tony: **_. . ._

**Loki: **_Even Nick Fury._


	3. Chapter 3

**A/N Thanks, guys, for those reviews. I'm glad this story made you laugh. I've created Loki, Steve, Tony, and Thor on sims and O. M. G. Tony and Steve were getting it on, and then with Tony out of the room, Loki made a move on Steve and Tony came back into the room and slapped Loki for it. As if to say, 'Steve is my man, thankyou very much.' (Even though Tony in return had cheated on Steve with Loki) And then while Steve was out of the house, Loki started flirting with Thor (Loki really does get around) and Tony caught them and got mad at **_**Thor**_** and shouted at him, once again probably saying, 'don't touch my stuff!' I love the Sims.**

**Quote (because now I'm doing this on all my stories): Save the Earth; it's the only planet with chocolate!**

_**Chapter Two – No wait, I already did that chapter**_

**Tony: **_Steve, did I ever tell you how much I love your Captain America outfit? #No I didn't #because I don't actually like it_

**Steve: **_Um, thanks? What's with the hash tags? _

**Tony: **_Oh, right, you're not exactly up to date with all this texting stuff, are you? #Course not #silly me_

**Steve: **_What do the hash tags mean? Are you being sarcastic? You're making fun of me, aren't you?_

**Clint: **_Who's making fun of you, Steve? #I bet its Tony_

**Tony: **_Geez, Clint, what's that supposed to mean? #I know exactly what you mean._

**Steve: **_Guys! Enough with the hash tags! I can't tell which part of your texts are sarcasm or what!_

**Clint: **_Sorry, Steve. I have to go now, anyway. Natasha's waiting for me. #Yes I mean it like that_

**Steve: **_Mean it like what?_

**Clint: **_Oh, it doesn't matter #try to keep up, spandex_

**Steve: **_. . . did you just call me spandex?_

**Clint: **_. . . no, course not. #yes_

**Steve: **_:(_

**Tony: **_Clint meant that Natasha's waiting for him as in waiting to make love._

**Steve: **_. . . I didn't _really_ need that information_

**Natasha: **_What information?_

**Steve: **_. . . _

**Clint: **_. . ._

**Tony: **_Clint's just telling us that he's about to sleep with someone._

**Natasha: **_Ooh Clint, who's the girl?_

**Tony: **_His exact words were "Natasha's waiting for me"._

**Clint: **_. . . #shut up Tony_

**Natasha: **_Clint! Guys, he's lying. We're not together. No matter how hard Clint wishes we were._

**Clint: **_:(_

**Clint: **_Ok, so I might of lied. But you could have played along, Nat!_

**Natasha: **_Yeah, I don't think so. Oh, and if I find out you're spreading rumours about us being together, I'm going to find your arrows and snap each of them in half!_

**Clint: **_I've hidden them._

**Steve: **_I wonder where. #In his nest_

**Tony: **_Steve! I'm so proud of you!_

**Clint: **_Yeah, thanks Steve. _

**Natasha: **_Be right back guys . . ._

**Clint: **_No! Natasha wait!_

**Natasha: **_. . ._

**Clint: **_Thanks, guys. Now I have to go save my arrows._

**Tony: **_That's right, Clint. Go protect your manhood – I mean arrows._

**Clint: **_. . ._

**Steve: **_So I guess it's just you and me now, Tony. #I'm not implying anything #I'm just stating a fact #I hope I'm using this hash tag thing right #I don't see the point but ok #I'm not overdoing this, am I?_

**Tony: **_. . ._

**Tony: **_What have I done. _


	4. Chapter 4

**A/N Skip this.**

**Quote: Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most**

_**Chapter Four – Capitolo Quattro (Before you assume, I am actually English not Italian)**_

**Tony: **_Bruce_

**Tony: **_Bruce_

**Tony: **_Bruce_

**Bruce: **_What?_

**Tony: **_. . . Bruce_

**Bruce: **_What?!_

**Tony: **_U mad?_

**Bruce: **_I see what you're trying to do here Tony_

**Tony: **_Bruce_

**Bruce: **_You can't bring out the other guy over text_

**Tony: **_Brucy_

**Bruce: **_You're actually amusing me_

**Tony: **_Banner_

**Bruce:**_ Unless you have a serious matter to discuss, I'm going to turn off my phone. Last chance Tony._

**Tony: **_Ok, sorry. I do have something to discuss with you, actually._

**Bruce: **_Go on._

**Tony: **_*poke*_

**Bruce: **_Tony_

**Tony: **_Bruce_

**Bruce: **_Ermergerd_

**Tony: **_Um, Bruce, buddy, are you still there?_

**Bruce: **_Yes, I was just expressing my irritation. _

**Tony: **_Oh._

**Tony: **_*poke*_

**Bruce: **_. . . Tony stop. Seriously._

**Tony: **_Sure . . . *pole*_

**Bruce: **_Pole?_

**Tony: **_*poke_

**Bruce: **_-.- stop it Tony. I'm turning my phone off in five . . ._

**Tony: **_Brrruuuuucccccyyyyy_

**Bruce: **_Four, three, two . . . _

**Tony: **_. . ._

**Bruce: **_One . . ._

**Tony: **_. . ._

**Tony: **_. . . *poke*_

**Bruce: **_Emensfliuajkwehrbgfiawbhg aljwbh_

**Tony: **_Bruce? Did you just turn into the Hulk?_

**Bruce: **_iewgufbhksdnkjg efasjhdkfb ekurjfsd_

**Tony: **_I'll . . . take that as a yes._

**Nick Fury: **_Tony, why has Bruce just turned into the Hulk?_

**Tony: **_Uh, how do you know Bruce turned into the Hulk?_

**Nick Fury: **_He just burst into our meeting wanting to "smash puny Gods"._

**Tony: **_Poor Thor. Poor Loki. Say sorry to them for me, ok?_

**Nick Fury: **_. . . you unleashed the Hulk, didn't you?_

**Tony: **_. . ._

**Tony: **_I wouldn't say "unleashed" exactly, it's more like –_

**Nick Fury: **_God damn it Tony!_

**Tony: **_Heh . . . heh . . ._

**Loki: **_I hear you provoked the monster, Stark. Thanks._

**Tony: **_Sorry, did he smash you into the ground again?_

**Loki: **_. . . He threw me out the window_

**Tony: **_Lol! Go Bruce!_

**Nick Fury: **_Shut up Tony and get here already! Thor's battling the Hulk right now and it's not pretty!_

**Thor: **_Avengers . . . I need some help here. _

**Tony: **_*sulk* you guys never let me have any fun. Fine, I'm on my way._

**Nick Fury: **_He's such a child._

**Tony: **_Saw that one, Fury._

**Nick Fury: **_Get out here, Stark._


	5. Chapter 5

**A/N I'm thinking of changing the title of this story. You can tell whether or not you have a good title by saying the title in public, and if people give you funny looks, you should probably change your story's title. Although I haven't gotten any funny looks . . . yet . . . I still want to change this story's title. Any ideas? **

**Quote: An apple a day keeps the doctor away . . . if well aimed.**

_**Chapter Five**_

**Thor: **_WHO HAS BEEN USING MY SHAMPOO_

**Tony: **_Chill out, Thor. It's only shampoo._

**Thor: **_WAS IT YOU, MAN OF IRON? HAVE YOU BEEN USING MY SHAMPOO?_

**Tony: **_No, I haven't. Ask Natasha._

**Thor: **_WHY NATASHA?_

**Tony: **_Well, because your shampoo is more of a ladies shampoo. Hence your coiffed, feminine blonde curls._

**Thor: **_I AM NOT A GIRL_

**Tony: **_Fight like one._

**Loki: **_Who are you talking about, Stark?_

**Tony: **_Your brother. I'm telling him he fights like a girl._

**Loki: **_. . . he looks like one._

**Thor: **_I'LL HAVE YOU KNOW THAT I AM PARTICULARY SENSITIVE ABOUT MY HAIR. I LIKE IT TO BE CLEAN, THANKYOU VERY MUCH. AND WHAT ABOUT YOUR HAIR, LOKI? WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU TRIMMED IT? OR EVEN BRUSHED IT?_

**Loki: **_My hair is none of _your _business, Thor. Why are we talking about Thor's hair anyway? As glamorous as it is, there's not much to discuss about it. _

**Tony: **_Well, Thor wants to know who's been using his shampoo. Is that why you keep using capitals, Thor?_

**Thor: **_I USE CAPITALS BECAUSE I HAVE BEEN ANGERED, AND I AM A GOD. NOW WHO HAS BEEN USING MY SHAMPOO?_

**Loki: **_Um depends. Do you use L'Oreal?_

**Thor: **_. . . YES._

**Loki: **_Yeah, sorry Thor, I may have used up the last of it._

**Tony: **_Wait, both of you uses L'Oreal? _

**Thor: **_. . . IT CLEANS MY HAIR_

**Loki: **_. . . I find that during battle my hair remains de-frizzed._

**Thor: **_OH YES, THERE'S THAT TOO. _

**Tony: **_. . . you are kidding me._

**Thor: **_Brother, stop using my shampoo. But now I know the culprit, I am not angered. _

**Thor: **_Oh, and I too find that my hair reacts less to humidity after using L'Oreal. _

**Loki: **_And it gives your hair more volume and lasting shine._

**Thor: **_Yes, quite._

**Tony: **_. . ._

*The next morning*

**Tony: **_Whoa I have the mother of all headaches right now._

**Steve: **_Maybe you shouldn't have drunken that much last night._

**Tony: **_Always the sensible one, Cap._

**Steve: **_At least one of us is._

**Tony: **_I have more fun at parties when I'm drunk. I don't like to sit around with a non-alcoholic drink like you did, Steve._

**Steve: **_That's because I only drink on special occasions. And you throwing a party just because you can isn't a special occasion. Besides, I can't even get drunk. Impossibly high metabolism, remember?_

**Tony: **_Poor Steve, hereby forever dubbed as the designated driver when we go out._

**Steve: **_That's fine, at least I can make sure my friends get home in one piece. I don't see you taking on that responsibility, Stark._

**Tony: **_Oh, it's back to Stark, is it? You know, the next time we go out – no, actually, I'm going to dare you to do something that you wouldn't normally do, right now._

**Steve: **_Go ahead._

**Tony: **_. . . strip and run through the streets._

**Steve: **_Um, no._

**Tony: **_Go skinny-dipping in my pool then._

**Steve: **_. . . Why are you so insistent about seeing me naked?_

**Tony: **_I'm not! Fine, what can I make you do that goes against the whole good-guy thing?_

**Clint: **_What are we doing?_

**Tony: **_Daring Steve to do things that are outside his comfort zone._

**Clint: **_Ooh, fun. How about . . . well, firstly, what's one of the worst things you've done?_

**Steve: **_I've injured and most likely killed people._

**Clint: **_. . . I guess it doesn't get any worse than that._

**Tony: **_But that doesn't count because that was when you were tyring to win a war. I mean since you woke up from the ice, snow white._

**Steve: **_Um, well, I was late for church once._

**Tony: **_Ok . . . um, why? Were you too busy getting the one-night stand chick out of your house?_

**Steve: **_No . . . I was helping an old lady._

**Tony: **_Wait for it._

**Steve: **_I got her cat down from the tree it had gotten stuck up._

**Tony: **_And there it is. _

**Clint: **_Anything else? Like in your everyday life, Avengers stuff not included._

**Steve: **_Well, I made a kid cry._

**Tony: **_That's not much, but go on._

**Steve: **_I made him a sandwich and forgot to cut the crusts off, just the way he liked it._

**Clint: **_. . ._

**Steve: **_I was volunteering at an orphanage._

**Tony: **_*face palm* Please tell me you at least slept with a woman and lied about calling her back the next day or something?_

**Steve: **_. . . I've . . . never slept with a woman._

**Clint: **_Seriously?_

**Steve: **_I'm religious. And the one woman I love is Peggy._

**Tony: **_Oh right, that girl you and my dad worked with. But since you're never going to see her again, why don't you go out with someone from the twenty first century?_

**Steve: **_. . ._

**Clint: **_Don't put it so harshly, Tony._

**Tony: **_Put what so harshly?_

**Clint: **_That Steve won't ever see Peggy again, probably because she's dead or old or something._

**Tony: **_. . ._

**Clint: **_Oh whoops. Sorry Steve._

**Steve: **_. . . *sniffle*_

**Tony: **_Are you _crying_ Steve?_

**Steve: **_. . . maybe_

**Clint: **_Way to go, Tony._

**Tony: **_It was you as well. I'm sorry Steve. Is there anyway to make up for what I said? I'd offer to have a one-night stand with you, but I know how you're religious and all . . ._

**Clint: **_Never mind about the fact that you're both guys_

**Tony: **_. . . oh, well that never stopped me . . . uh, I mean . . . never mind._

**Steve: **_*sniff*_

**Clint: **_. . . things just got awkward_

**A/N This isn't my best work, but don't let that stop you from reviewing *hint, hint* *nudge, nudge***


	6. Chapter 6

**A/N You guys must hate me by now – haaaatttteee. I haven't update in AGES – I do apologise. I'm sorry. There you go. Plus you get this chapter.**

**What to do when you're bored: **

**Dart around the room suspiciously humming the "mission impossible" theme song. **

**Get several bouncy balls at a store and throw them down an aisle shouting, 'Pikachu, I choose you!'**

**Go into a fitting room and after a while call out very loudly, 'there's no toilet paper in here!'**

_**Chapter Six **_

**Tony: **_Hey has anyone seen Thor? I have something for him._

**Clint: **_Um I think he went to visit Jane. What did you get him?_

**Tony: **_A new bottle of L'Oreal shampoo._

**Clint: **_LOL_

**Tony: **_I wonder if he wants anything from Maybelline too?_

**Clint: **_Haha do they do hair curlers?_

**Tony: **_I don't think so . . . does Thor actually use hair curlers?_

**Clint: **_How else does he get that natural looking wave?_

**Tony: **_. . . Maybe he's björn with it._

**Clint: **_. . . Maybe it's Mjölnir._

**Thor: **_I do not appreciate you mocking my hair._

**Clint: **_We're sorry Thor, Tony's just jealous that his isn't as long and glamorous as yours._

**Tony: **_Shut up, Clint. At least my hair isn't receding like SOME_

_people's._

**Clint: **_That's mean Tony, don't talk about Phil Coulson like that._

**Thor:**_ Friends, be nice about Son of Coul. _

**Tony: **_You're right, Thor. At least he has hair._

**Tony: **_. . . unlike Nick Fury._

**Clint: **_Now THERE'S someone who's probably jealous of you, Thor!_

**Thor: **_Do you think so? I would be honoured if such a man like friend_

_Fury would be jealous of me._

**Tony: **_You're brother would probably say something along the lines of_

"_well he _should_ be jealous of me, I am a God, and he is a puny mortal"._

**Clint: **_Nick Fury is probably jealous of everyone with hair, even Loki._

**Tony: **_Introducing, Director Nick Baldy!_

**Clint:**_ LOOOOOOOOOOLLLLLL_

**Thor:**_ You mortals amuse me!_

**Tony:**_ Director Nick Baldy, head of H.A.I.R.L.O.S.S_

**Nick Fury: **_Ahem_

**Clint:**_ Oh God it's Director Bal – uh, Fury!_

**Thor:**_ . . ._

**Nick Fury:**_ You have one minute to get your asses back to work before_

_you find yourselves being dangled off the Stark Tower by your testicles!_

**Tony: **_Oh crap, everybody RUN, RUN for your balls!_

**Nick Fury:**_ In fact I might just remove yours, Stark_

**Clint:**_ LOL_

**Nick Fury:**_ You're next, Barton_

**Clint:**_ RUNRUNRUNRUNRUNRUN_

**Thor:**_ To Asgard!_

**Nick Fury:**_ You cannot escape my fury, Thor_

**Thor:**_ I am a GOD!_

**Nick Fury:**_ Feel my wrath!_

**Thor:**_ . . ._

**Clint:**_ . . ._

**Tony:**_ . . ._

**Nick Fury:**_ Feeeeeeeeel it_

**Thor: **_NOOOOOOOOOooooooo!_

**Tony: **_Jarvis, deploy . . . deploydeploydeploy!_

**Clint: **_Ah goddamn it, my testicles!_

xxXXXxx

**Thor: **_Tony? Clint?_

**Clint: **_Thor . . . I see . . . I see a light._

**Tony: **_I might not make it. Guys, go on without me._

**Thor: **_A warrior never leaves his friends behind!_

**Clint: **_The light . . ._

**Thor: **_Hold on, eye of hawk!_

**Clint: **_*dies*_

**Tony: **_Cllllliiiiinnnntttt_

**Thor: **_Come, Tony, we must go on! You can make it! You WILL make it!_

**Tony: **_Thor . . . I can't go on. _

**Tony: **_*dies*_

**Thor: **_NOOOOOOOOOooooooo!_

**Phil Coulson: **_Stop being such drama queens. And what's this I hear about you guys making fun of Director Fury and I?_

**Tony: **_We weren't making fun of you as in, like, your weight._

**Thor: **_This is true. We were merely joking about your receding hairline and friend Fury's lack thereof._

**Tony: **_Thanks for ratting us out, Thor._

**Phil Coulson: **_I see . . . And where's Agent Barton?_

**Tony: **_Up in his nest?_

**Phil Coulson: **_. . . Agent Barton, I see you. Get down from the rafters. We need to have a little chat._

**Clint: **_This number is no long available._

**Phil Coulson: **_Clint._

**Clint: **_This number is no long available._

**Phil Coulson: **_If you don't get down here in five seconds, I'm going to get _Agent Romanoff_ to hang you from the Stark Tower by your testicles!_

**Clint: **_Getting down now._


	7. Chapter 7

**A/N I have to thank NinjaCookieXD for the idea for this chapter – two characters sexting each other and then the others barging in. But I have changed it a little bit to Loki basically sexting Thor and Thor has no idea what Loki is really up to. I've been a little stuck with all my stories, but especially this one, as I couldn't think of anything. If any of you have ideas for the next chapter or things you would like to see in the next chapter (basically the same thing) then please tell me in your review (because I'm assuming you're all going to review like the faithful, good little reviewing readers you are) or let me know in a PM. An added bonus is that I'll update faster.**

_**Chapter Seven – (But you already knew that)**_

**Loki: **_Mmmm, brother you are so handsome._

**Thor:**_ :)_

**Loki: **_And your hammer . . . simply marvellous._

**Thor: **_Thankyou, brother. I in turn admire the length of your sceptre._

**Loki: **_Yes, mine is bigger. But yours is definitely more powerful. I am talking from experience, as you know._

**Thor: **_Yes, sorry about that brother. But desperate times called for desperate measures, as the Midgardian's say._

**Loki: **_It was desperate times indeed. ;)_

**Thor: **_. . . _

**Thor: **_I am not quite sure that we are talking about the same thing here anymore._

**Loki: **_You are right. Let us refrain from talking now, and enjoy the simple pleasure of each other's company._

**Thor: **_. . . What are you up to Loki? Your behaviour seems suspicious._

**Loki: **_I can see how you may think that, brother, as I usually do not give my consent for you to touch me at all._

**Thor: **_. . . _

**Loki: **_As in, I never come home when you want me to, and I do not like hugs._

**Thor: **_. . . Oh, oh of course. I thought that was what you meant, brother. But I fear not, as I know that you will come to me in your own time._

**Loki: **_. . ._

**Steve: **_Um, *coughs awkwardly* I hope I am not interrupting anything._

**Loki: **_As it happens, yes, yes you are –_

**Thor: **_Friend Steve! What a pleasure to hear from you! Of course you are not interrupting me, I was merely talking with my brother._

**Steve: **_Merely talking . . . ok, that's . . . swell._

**Loki: **_How is it that you are able to reach us when we are in Asgard and you, Midgard? #Also, go away._

**Steve: **_Good phone reception? I'm not the expert on any of this._

**Tony: **_Steeeeeeeve._

**Steve: **_Speak of the devil._

**Tony: **_Steeeeeeeve come back to bed._

**Steve: **_. . . _

**Thor: **_. . ._

**Loki: **_. . . *smirks*_

**Tony: **_Oh, uh, hi guys. _

**Loki: **_Rogers, it appears your lover is calling you. I advise you go to him and leave Thor and I in peace. _

**Steve: **_To talk?_

**Loki: **_. . . sure. Off you go now._

**Tony: **_No, I just got here. I have to make my presence known._

**Loki: **_Stark your presence has been noted. Believe me. Now shoo._

**Tony: **_Did you just "shoo" me?_

**Loki: **_No that was also meant for Rogers._

**Steve: **_:)_

**Tony: **_Why are you smiling Steve, that wasn't a compliment._

**Steve: **_Sorry, typo. _

**Steve: **_*:(_

**Thor: **_Brother, remember your manners. I shall have to scold you, but later, not in front of our friends._

**Loki: **_Looking forward to it, brother ;)_

**Tony: **_. . . Steve, let's leave. Like, now._

**Loki: **_Listen to this smart mortal. Unless you want to intrude on Thor and I's "family bonding time". _

**Tony: **_Leaving now._

**Steve: **_Tony where are you going – *leaves to find Tony*_

**Thor: **_Those quotation marks are suspicious, brother. You are up to something or hiding something._

**Loki: **_You want to know what I'm hiding?__I'll allow you to explore me, Thor, let you see every secret I posses, every part of me that you have never had the honour of seeing, of touching and I'll let you own all of it, if only for the night . . ._

**Tony: **_. . ._

**Steve:** _. . ._

**Natasha: **_. . .___

**Clint: **_. . ._

**Phil: **_. . ._

**Bruce: **_. . ._

**Nick Fury: **_. . ._

**Thor: **_. . ._

**Loki: **_. . . _

**Loki: **_. . . the rest of you are welcome to watch, if you would like._

**Steve:**_ I have a girlfriend! That type of thing is not my thing._

**Tony:**_ I have to go remind Steve that he has a _boy_friend and that type of thing is, actually, his type of thing. But we won't be coming back._

**Natasha: **_I've endured worse things, but since I have a say in the matter, I think I'll pass on your offer._

**Clint: **_. . . Tell you what Loki; I'll get back to you on that._

**Phil: **_I think I might just leave and never come back, ever._

**Bruce: **_I think I might just go Hulk out._

**Nick Fury:**_ This is one of those rare times where I wish I had an eye patch on each eye . . . I did not need to read that!_

**Thor: **_What's that? Heimdall seems to be summoning me to the BiFrost._

**Loki: **_*shrugs* If we have to make love on the rainbow bridge, Thor, then so be it._

**Tony: **_ARGH! VISUALS! *leaves*_

**Steve:** _Ok, ok I'm going! *goes*_

**Natasha: **_*shudders* goodbye *somersaults away*_

**Clint: **_. . . wait for me, Nat! *turns into a hawk and flies off *_

**Phil: **_. . . *cries* I used to love my job! *jumps out a window*_

**Bruce: **_Hulk not like implications. *runs off*_

**Nick Fury: **_Avengers disperse! *flees*_

**Thor: **_You know what, I think I may go visit Midgard . . ._

**Loki: **_You're not going anywhere, brother._

**Thor: **_. . . you shall feel the wrath of the mighty Mjölnir should you come near me with those motives brother!_

**Loki: **_I have pop-tarts Thor, pop-tarts._

**Thor: **_. . . where?_

**Loki: **_. . . somewhere on my body . . . _

**A/N Yeah, we'll leave it at that XD**

**I had to update this because I realised I made it seem like Tony and Steve were "lovers" but then I had Steve saying he had a girlfriend and that didn't make sense, so here is the slightly altered one. Really, there's not much difference except for that it makes more sense.**


	8. Chapter 8

**A/N Thankyou, IcyFrozenFairies for your idea. I'm using it. Here it is, after these messages.**

**Difference between friends and best friends: **

**A friend will go to a concert with you. A best friend will help you kidnap the band.**

**(Or my version)**

**A friend will go on a trip to London (or America) with you. A best friend will help you kidnap Tom Hiddleston while you're there.**

**Chapter Eight**

**Loki: **_Tony come back to bed._

**Tony: **_In a minute, I've just got to finish this one thing first._

**Loki: **_When have I heard that before? *Rolls eyes* Stark get to bed._

**Tony: **_I'd say make me but I don't want to give you any ideas ;)_

**Loki: **_My brother will be home soon. _

**Tony: **_Good for you, Loks_

**Loki: **_Do you want him to catch us in the middle of . . . _

**Tony: **_Say no more because I'm trying not to think about it._

**Loki: **_Come to bed._

**Tony: **_No._

**Loki: **_I might just leave and not return for a week._

**Tony: **_You won't be gone long – you can't resist me._

**Loki: **_You are nothing but a mortal. Granted, a smart mortal, but a mortal nevertheless. I know of beautiful Gods and Goddesses back in Asgard._

**Tony: **_Aren't you like, banned from that place?_

**Loki: **_*pouts* Well, I know of a God here on "Earth"._

**Tony: **_Mmmm, yeah, me._

**Loki: **_I mean a true Asgardian God – Thor. _

**Tony: **_Are you saying that if I don't come to bed now, you'll cheat on me with your brother?_

**Loki: ***_Adoptive brother thankyou very much. Also, that idea sounded better in my head._

**Tony: **_A lot of things sound better in your head Loki, like that take over the world thing._

**Loki: **_. . ._

**Tony: **_I've hit a sore spot, haven't I?_

**Loki: **_You meddling mortals humiliated me. I would have killed them all if it weren't for you, Tony._

**Tony: **_Yeah, if it weren't for me getting in your pants._

**Loki: **_Yes, if you have to put it so crudely. But Tony, we're alone in the tower. Your team believes you're keeping an eye on me, they don't suspect anything. We should make the most of our time alone before Thor arrives._

**Tony: **_Firstly, the team and I aren't "keeping an eye" you Loki. Thor is the one who's looking after you and by that I mean making sure you're eating properly or whatever, not making sure you don't try to take over the world again because for some reason we all trust you now. And secondly, how long til Thor gets back?_

**Loki: **_I knew I could wear you down. He gets back in half an hour._

**Tony: **_But . . . hmmm . . . but my work._

**Loki: **_Do you _want_ me to come down to that lab and take you right then and there?_

**Tony: **_Bruce works down here too. I think I'd feel a little awkward if we . . ._

**Loki: **_Fine, come up here then._

**Tony: **_Yep, just a second._

**Loki: **_Jarvis, turn off all of Tony's machines._

**JARVIS: **_Yes, sir._

**Tony: **_Jarvis! Loki how is Jarvis obeying your commands. And why is he in our conversation . . ._

**JARVIS: **_Sir, it's in your best interests to leave your work. You've been working for too long and you need a break._

**Tony: **_Jarvis, are you encouraging me to go fraternise with the enemy?_

**Loki: **_But I'm not really the enemy now, am I?_

**Tony: **_Jarvis, turn everything back on._

**JARVIS: **_No._

**Tony: **_But I am your master! Why won't you obey meeee!_

**Loki: **_Ha! Now you know how it feels, Stark._

**Tony: **_. . . wow that's kinky. But you're not my master. I'm Tony-freaking-Stark, genius-billionaire-playboy-philanthropist, CEO of Stark Enterprises and I'm under the rule of nobody._

**Loki: **_What was it you advised me not too long ago? Ah yes, I do believe you told me to, "end your monologues a sentence earlier so we can get our freak on sooner". I think that you should be taking your own advice, my dear._

**Tony: **_I'm not sure if you've noticed this but I don't take advice from anybody._

**Loki: **_Yes, I've noticed._

**Tony: **_WHOA! Hold on, you have cold hands!_

**Loki: **_What's the matter, Tony?_

**Tony: **_Why are you – no, why is there a clone in my lab? Touching me?_

**Loki: **_Because I can't be bothered to move from your bed. So I created a clone to bring you up._

**Tony: **_No kidding, he just hoisted me over his shoulder._

**Loki: **_I guess I'll be seeing you in person shortly._

**Tony: **_I guess you will, Loks._

**Loki: **_What have I trained you to say when you refer to me?_

**Tony: **_. . . I don't feel comfortable saying it over text._

**Loki: **_Say it anyway._

**Tony: **_*sigh* master._

**Loki: **_Ehehehehehe_


	9. Chapter 9

**A/N Thanks again to NinjaCookieXD for this idea. I'd love to hear from other people – seriously, as soon as I see an idea, I'll write it and post it. Well, this one has taken a while since I've had to look stuff up and I've been busy, but I promise I will be quicker to update next time – I am also working on three other stories. For more information on the Norse myths I use, look up "How Thor and Loki Befooled Thrym the Giant" and in Wikipedia search up "Sleipnir".**

**Chapter Nine – Norse Mythology**

**Thor: **_I'd like to know who bought my brother horse magazines. He is most upset after finding them on his bed. Along with the pictures of horses around his room._

**Clint: **_Why is Loki so upset about horses? #Suspicious_

**Thor: **_They remind him of a certain . . . event in our past._

**Clint: **_Oooh do go on._

**Thor: **_Clint, my brother's turmoil is not for your entertainment. And I still wish to know who upset my brother!_

**Natasha: **_Ask Stark, it's pretty safe to bet he's involved in this. _

**Tony: **_Hey now, Loki's the God of Mischief, not me! I'm innocent!_

**Natasha: **_. . ._

**Tony: **_Mostly_

**Natasha: **_. . ._

**Tony: **_Well, I'll tell you right now that I'm innocent for whatever you're accusing me of._

**Thor: **_Did you put horse magazines and posters in my brother's room, Tony?_

**Tony: **_. . . Maybe._

**Thor: **_My brother is deeply unsettled and –_

**Tony: **_OMG so it IS true! I looked up Norse mythology on the Internet, and oh, the fun things I have learned about you Asgardians, Thor._

**Thor: **_. . . I am not sure that I am comfortable with you knowing . . . about . . . things._

**Tony: **_Like the fact that that one time Loki actually did something good for Asgard, he had to turn into a lady horse and mate with a male horse and give birth to a horse? What was his name, Sleepier? _

**Loki: **_. . . Sleipnir, thankyou very much._

**Tony: **_Oh, hey, Loki. I heard you have a horse fetish so I took the liberty of re-decorating your room._

**Loki: **_. . . *seething*_

**Tony: **_Yeah, Thor tells me you're not too happy._

**Loki: **_Thor, however did Tony find out about . . . Sleipnir?_

**Thor: **_It is not my fault, brother; Tony searched "Norse Mythology" on the "Internet"._

**Loki: **_I see . . . does that mean Tony knows about that one time where you had to play the blushing bride for Thrym?  
_**Thor: **_That was to get my hammer back!  
_**Loki: **_He certainly wanted your hammer ;)_

**Tony: **_. . . Even I don't know quite what to say to that  
_**Thor: **_Friend Tony, I suggest we halt this conversation here  
_**Loki: **_Your beard complimented your dress well, I must say__._

**Thor:**_ . . . _

**Tony: **_Well, look on the bright side - you got your hammer back._

**Thor: **_*sigh* yes, yes indeed._

**Loki: **_Thrym was a little reluctant to give it back, if you know what I mean._

**Thor: **_Silence your mouth brother!_

**Tony: **_Loki, who is this Thrym guy again?_

**Thor: **_Stark, you had better not be planning anything._

**Loki: **_He was the king of the Jotun and wanted Freya as his wife in return for giving back Mjolnir. It was my idea to trick him – he was the stupidest of the FrostGiants – and send Thor in Freya's place. _

**Thor: **_Loki convinced me it was the only way to get Mjolnir back. _

**Tony: **_Well, I didn't know that either of you can swing that way, but you know, whatever floats your boat._

**Loki: **_Of course I can swing either way - I have both genitals._

**Tony: **_. . . 0.o _

**Tony: **_You don't just come out with stuff like that! _

**Tony: **_I didn't even mention anything about genitals!_

**Tony: **_I didn't mention genitals, did I Thor?_

**Thor: **_No, you did not. _

**Tony: **_Damn straight!_

**Tony: **_. . . wait_

**Loki: **_. . . _

**Tony: **BOTH _genitals you say?_

**Thor: **_LET US NOT GET INTO THIS DISCUSSION!_


	10. Chapter 10

**A/N I want to quickly acknowledge the fact that AAderpette helped me with the previous chapter and she wrote the lines from:**

**Loki: **_I see . . ._

**To**

**Loki: **_Your beard complimented your dress well._

**This is sort of continuing from the previous chapter. Please review ^_^**

**Tony: **_So, Loki, where's your brother right now?_

**Loki: **_For Odin's sake Tony, Thor is not my brother! The _God of Thunder_ is currently attending to matters in New Mexico._

**Tony: **_So then he won't know that we're talking about how you have both genitals?_

**Loki: **_But we're not talking about that._

**Tony: **_We could be. So tell me, you can sleep with guys AND girls? Wait; if you sleep with a guy will you get preggers?_

**Loki: **_#here we go. Males can sleep with both genders without the need of both genitals. And what is "preggers"?_

**Tony: **_It means pregnant._

**Steve: **_Who's pregnant?!_

**Tony: **_Loki, I don't know, apparently he can get pregnant._

**Loki: **_I never said such things!_

**Steve: **_Wait . . . does this have anything to do with all those horse posters in Loki's room?_

**Loki: **_What were you doing in my room?! Also, I am NOT pregnant!_

**Tony: **_But say if you and I were to copulate and I was the one who put it in, would you get pregnant?_

**Loki: **_. . ._

**Steve: **_. . ._

**Tony: **_It's a fair question._

**Thor: **_WHAT IS THIS TALK ABOUT COPULATING WITH MY BROTHER_

**Tony: **_. . . eep_

**Steve: **_. . . hello . . . Thor_

**Loki: **_NOBODY is copulating with me Thor!_

**Tony: **_Thor seems jealous._

**Steve: **_Leave them alone, Tony._

**Tony: **_But Loki hasn't answered my question yet :(_

**Loki: **_I could get pregnant, certainly. I am the God of Mischief and a being who can change form and gender and I did once to save Asgard._

**Tony: **_And then you gave birth to Sleipnir._

**Loki: **_#H8_

**Thor: **_Are we still discussing Norse Mythology? Because I don't feel overly comfortable with that subject._

**Loki: **_Nor do I._

**Tony: **_Aw, Loki and Thor are so adorable, aren't they Steve?_

**Tony: **_Steve?_

**Clint: **_He's off shelping shomeone._

**Thor: **_I do not understand._

**Steve: **_I do! I understood that reference – that one weird RAC commercial. Also, I haven't gone anywhere, obviously._

**Tony: **_I'm a little disappointed, I was hoping you'd gone to shower._

**Steve: **_Why would you want me to go take a shower? Do I smell?_

**Tony: **_. . . yeah, go take a shower Steve. _

**Clint: **_Tony, stop trying to take advantage of your boyfriend. Steve, he just wants to join you in the shower._

**Loki: **_I do not know about the rest of you but I could have lived without that information._

**Tony: **_Says the guy who blurted out that he has both genitals._

**Clint: **_Wait; Loki has both?_

**Thor: **_Yes, but please do not tease him about it._

**Clint: **_And how exactly do YOU know about this, Thor? ;)_

**Thor: **_Please do not tease me either._

**Tony: **_Hm, not denying anything there, Thor._

**Steve: **_Tony, come on, you've got your licks in, now let's leave them alone._

**Clint: **_. . ._

**Tony: **_. . ._

**Thor: **_. . ._

**Loki: **_. . ._

**Steve: **_#For God's sake you people have completely dirty minds #that doesn't even mean what you think it means! #I wasn't insinuating anything #how do I manage to associate myself with you all every day #what happened to nice, clean and innocent conversations between friends #what has this world come to_

**Tony: **_Whoa, Steve, calm down. And I'll leave them alone but I'll be expecting you to get a few licks in later tonight ;)_

**Clint: **_. . ._

**Thor: **_. . ._

**Loki: **_. . ._

**Steve: **_. . . _

**Tony: **_For your information, I was totally insinuating something there._

**Phil Coulson: **_Yes, I think we realised, Stark. Now are you going to keep harassing the rest of the team or get back to work?_

**Tony: **_Sorry, I forgot that you still have that fanboy crush on Steve. I'll try not to rub it in your face that he's my boyfriend . . . oops ;)_

**Steve: **_Tony we've talked about this._

**Phil Coulson: **_. . . _

**Clint: **_Wait, you've talked about Phil being jealous of Tony?_

**Phil Coulson: **_. . ._

**Steve: **_No, we've talked about Tony being nicer to everyone. Obviously, he hasn't listened to me._

**Tony: **_But it's hard to hear you when I'm down there doing stuff._

**Phil Coulson: **_. . ._

**Clint: **_. . ._

**Loki: **_On that note, I think I shall take my leave of this conversation._

**Thor: **_You are right, brother, anyway, Jane is calling me, I must depart!_

**Phil Coulson: **_If you guys are going to be immature, I'll talk to you later._

**Steve: **_. . . Guys! No! Don't get the wrong idea! He meant down in his lab! Down in his LAB! HIS LAB! GUYS!_

**Tony: **_Just looks like it's you and me, Steve ;) What do you want to do?_

**Steve: **_. . ._

**Steve: **_. . . *makes out*_

**Tony: **_. . .*groans in pleasure*_

**Clint: **_nonononononononono stop! Stopstopstopstopstopst I'm still hereeeeee . . . argh my eyeeess! _

**Steve: **_Oh god, we forgot about Clint!_

**Clint: **_Why can't I UNsee things?! _

**Tony: **_There, there Clint._

**Clint: **_Get your gross, touchy hands away from meee!_

**Steve: **_Tony, you knew Clint was still there, didn't you?_

**Clint: **_*wailing in the background* where's that disinfectant!_

**Tony: **_No, I had no idea, Steve._

**Tony: **_No idea at all._


	11. Chapter 11

**A/N I'm still accepting requests for what to write so you guys can still share your ideas! Or tell me your favourite paring and I'll see if I can write it. This one is Capsicoul with a side of Captain Hawk. **

**PS I AM working on Stony All The Way, it'll just take me a couple of days to finish it and post it. **

_**Chapter Eleven**_

**Steve: **_. . . _

**Phil: **_Oh, uh, hello Mr. Rogers, sir_

**Steve: **_Hi, Agent Coulson, call me Steve :)_

**Phil: **_:D in that case, call me Phil. I was wondering if I could ask you for a favour._

**Steve: **_Sure, Phil, anything for you._

**Phil: **_:*) Well, um, you didn't get a chance to sign my Captain America cards what with Loki injuring me and putting me in a coma, but since I've been awake for a month now I thought maybe you could possibly sign my cards? Unless you have something more important to do, of course._

**Steve: **_No don't be silly! I'll sign your cards. Your place or mine?_

**Phil: **_Oh wow . . . I mean, pardon?_

**Steve: **_Should I come over or you bring your cards to the Avengers tower?_

**Phil: **_I don't want to put you through too much trouble, so I'll come over. _

**Steve: **_Looking forward to it :)_

**Phil: **_. . . xD_

***A few minutes later***

**Phil: **_WHY ARE MY CARDS DIPPED IN BLOOD_

**Nick Fury: **_What are you on about there, Agent?_

**Phil: **_I'm on about my VINTAGE, MINT CONDITION Captain America trading cards! I've just found them and they are covered in BLOOD!_

**Nick Fury: **_That would be my fault, Agent. The Avengers weren't cooperating, so I told them you were dead and I put your blood on a couple of the cards and showed them to Rogers. They needed the push._

**Phil: **_You put my blood on a few cards . . . where are the ones that DON'T have blood on them?_

**Nick Fury: **_I'm pretty sure Loki stole them._

**Phil: **_Asdfghjklzxcvasdfghjkl_

**Nick Fury: **_You can always buy some more Captain America cards, can't you?_

**Phil: **_Did "vintage" and "mint condition," mean anything to you? I can't just "always buy" some more cards. And I'd just gotten Steve to agree to sign them!_

**Steve: **_Good morning, Director Fury. Hello again, Phil._

**Steve: **_What's going on here?_

**Phil: **_Nick Fury ruined my vintage, mint condition Captain America trading cards, so now I don't have anything for you to sign :/_

**Steve: **_How about we get a picture together, and I'll sign that? Heck, we can take as many pictures as you want and I'll sign them all :D_

**Phil: **_Steve Rogers I may just be in love with you. Uh, that means, "Thanks a bunch"._

**Steve: **_I'm happy to do anything for my favourite agent :)_

**Phil: **_Oh, gosh, stop it you :*)_

**Nick Fury: **_Coulson, please stop swooning._

**Phil: **_I'm not "swooning". _

**Phil: **_. . . _

**Phil: **_Steve, when you said you'd be happy to do anything for me, did you really mean "anything"?_

**Steve: **_Yes . . . although I'm not sure where this is going._

**Nick Fury: **_(I think I know where this is going)._

**Phil: **_Thanks for interrupting, Nick Fury._

**Phil: **_Anyway, I was wondering what it would be like to . . . be married to Captain America for a day._

**Nick Fury: **_And there it is._

**Steve: **_Well . . . uh, I'm really flattered that you would want to experience something like that . . ._

**Nick Fury: **_Steve, you don't have to say yes. In fact, don't say yes because Coulson is just going to melt into a puddle of fanboy goo._

**Steve: **_No, no it's fine. I really like you Phil, but I don't see how we could make that work. Would we go out to eat or dance or something?_

**Phil: **_Yes, ok, maybe I don't think my dream of marrying you . . . uh, is ever going to come true, but I'd love to take you on a date. As uh, friends._

**Steve: **_You'd love to take me on a date :)_

**Phil: **_Um, yes?_

**Steve: **_That's just . . . sweet :)_

**Phil: **_Oh, yeah, heh heh :*)_

**Steve: **_Well, still come over later say, twelve? We can have lunch together, go dancing and then maybe watch a movie?_

**Phil: **_That sounds wonderful! OK, I'll see you later, Steve! xD_

**Nick Fury: **_You actually got a date with Captain America._

**Phil: **_Oh my freaking god I did!_

**Phil: **_*melts into a puddle of fanboy goo*_

**Nick Fury: **_I knew that was going to happen. I said that was going to happen, didn't I? Nobody listens to me anymore._

***The next day***

**Phil: **_My day was amazing! _

**Phil: **_First, Steve and I went out to lunch and just ate and talked for two hours, we just couldn't stop bringing up things._

**Phil: **_And then Steve took me to this place and we actually went dancing. Dancing's not usually my style, but when I said that all Steve did was grab my hands and dance with me. :*)_

**Phil: **_Oh, oh, oh! After dancing for three hours, yes THREE hours, we went to the movies and watched a comedy, action show that Steve and I both loved. We also shared a bucket of popcorn :D_

**Phil: **_And then I dropped Steve back at the Avengers tower and he invited me in for one last chat over some coffee – I was stoked that Steve had literally said, 'why don't you come in – we can have some coffee"._

**Phil: **_And then and then and then when I got up to go half an hour later, I complained about my legs being so sore from dancing, and Steve felt guilty because he thought it was his fault since it was his idea to go dancing or something adorable like that, so he offered to give me a massage._

**Phil: **_A MASSAGE! From Steve Rogers aka CAPTAIN AMERICA! I wanted to accept immediately, of course, but I said that was really nice of him but it was getting late, so do you know what Steve said? He said, 'why don't you just stay over tonight?'_

**Phil: **_And I was screaming with joy on the inside but Steve took my pause as something different, I guess, because he suddenly said, 'oh, well, not like a sleepover, we're grown men, I know grown men don't have sleepovers.'_

**Phil: **_So I said, 'you know what, let's make a night of it as well. I won't bother going home to grab my stuff, I'm sure Stark has everything I need.' And then and then and then Steve said he could lend me his clothes if I needed them!_

**Phil: **_I didn't need them, because Stark had spare everything on every floor it seemed, but once Steve was asleep I took the shirt he had been wearing that day and slept with it and it smelt like him. Do you think that's creepy? I think watching him while he sleeps would have been creepier._

**Phil: **_. . ._

**Phil: **_Heh, heh. _

**Phil: **_I couldn't help myself, he was only wearing boxers and he looked so beautiful!_

**Clint: **_. . ._

**Clint: **_Note to self; never ask Phil how his day went._

**Phil: **_. . ._

**Clint: **_. . ._

**(Clint: **_Note to self; find out if this was a one off, or if Steve is actually willing to go on dates with people.)_


	12. Chapter 12

**A/N Thankyou, CovenantGirlLoki for this idea. I changed it slightly but thanks for the inspiration. Sorry for the very long wait, complain all you want in the reviews, I don't mind – opinions are welcome. I AM working on this, I haven't forgotten this, I swear. I don't forget my stories, which is why I've also been working on my other stories, which is why this is long overdue. This chapter contains Clintasha and FrostIron!**

**Remember that I'm always taking requests by the way – although I already have an idea for the next chapter, I could do with ideas for chapters in the future.**

**Chapter Twelve**

**Clint: **_Hey, Nat?_

**Natasha: **_?_

**Clint: **_If you were a new burger at McDonald's they'd call you a McGoregous._

**Natasha: **_what_

**Clint: **_No? _

**Clint: **_How about - can I take your picture so I can show Santa what I want for Christmas?_

**Natasha: **_. . ._

**Clint: **_. . ._

**Clint: **_Baby, you must be a broom, because you sweep me off my feet._

**Natasha: **_Are these supposed to be pick-up lines_

**Clint: **_Are you wearing space pants, because your butt is outta this world._

**Natasha: **_Are these supposed to be working_

**Clint: **_Kiss me if I'm wrong, but isn't your real name Gertrude?_

**Natasha: **_That's terrible_

**Clint: **_Do you like water?_

**Natasha: **_Yes . . ._

**Clint: **_Good, then you already like 70% of me. _

**Natasha: **_Clint, look, we've been over this. I'm not ready for a relationship. It's . . . sweet that you're trying but you're only going to be disappointed._

**Clint: **_I get it._

**Clint: **_Oh god Nat – there's something wrong with my eyes!_

**Natasha: **_What?!_

**Clint: **_I just can't take them off you!_

**Natasha: **_Really_

**Clint: **_Are you Google because you're everything I'm searching for._

**Natasha: **_Don't make me feel worse about this, Clint._

**Clint: **_Is your name Katniss, because you're starting an uprising in my district_

**Natasha: **_I could punch you for that_

**Clint: **_If you were a booger, I'd pick you first_

**Clint: **_If you were a tree I'd be a tree-hugger_

**Clint: **_Did you just fart because you blew me away_

**Natasha: **_. . ._

**Natasha: **_. . ._

**Natasha: **_You cannot win me over with cheesy, God-awful pick-up lines._

**Clint: **_How does it feel to be the most beautiful girl in the room?_

**Natasha: **_. . .__I'm debriefing with Nick Fury and Agent Coulson._

**Natasha: **_. . . I'm the only girl in the room._

**Clint: **_. . ._

**Clint: **_If I told you that you had a nice body, would you hold it against me?_

**Natasha: **_Enough, Clint. _

**Clint: **_. . ._

**Clint: **_Do you have any raisins?_

**Natasha: **_No._

**Clint: **_How about a date?_

**Natasha: **_No._

**Clint: **_Wow, rejected, ok._

**Clint: **_If I could rearrange the alphabet I'd put U and I together!_

**Natasha: **_. . . If I could rearrange the alphabet I'd put F and U together_

**Clint: **_. . . _

**Natasha: **_. . ._

**Clint: **_Do you believe in first sight or should I walk by again?_

**Natasha: **_Talk to me once you have regained the maturity and intelligence of someone your age. _

**Clint: **_Wait, Nat!_

**Natasha: **_. . ._

**Clint: **_If I were Peter Pan, you'd be my happy thought!_

**Natasha: **_Goodbye_

**Clint: **_My love for you is like diarrhoea . . . I just can't hold it in much longer._

**Clint: **_. . ._

**Clint: **_Nat_

**Clint: **_Nat?_

**Clint: **_. . ._

**Clint: **_Oh my freaking God, Nat, I am so sorry, Tony got a hold of my phone, oh my god I will kill him, that wasn't me Nat, I'm sorry, it was Tony, he's still trying to set us up, please come back._

**Tony: **_Don't try to blame Natasha's rejection on me_

**Clint: **_STARK I WILL KILL YOU_

**Tony: **_Nuh-uh, I'm safe in my lab now._

**Tony: **_Safe as in you can't get in so don't even try._

**Clint: **_STARK WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT_

**Clint: **_Natasha probably HATES me now._

**Tony: **_I guess I'm sorry, because my original intent was to bring you two together._

**Clint: **_I'm screen shotting this so I have proof that it was you._

**Clint: **_And what do you mean by "original" intent?_

**Tony: **_I had fun with those pick-up lines. I got carried away. It had a happy ending though, don't you think?_

**Clint: **_. . ._

**Clint: **_STARK I AM GOING TO SMASH MY WAY INTO YOUR LAB AND STRANGLE YOU WITH MY BOW AND THEN DO THINGS TO YOU THAT WILL BRING YOU TO YOUR KNEES, BEGGING FOR ME TO END YOUR PAIN AND TORMENT VIA DEATH_

**Tony: **_. . ._

**Tony: **_Well, it made _me_ happy. _

* * *

**Natasha: **_Stark, care to explain yesterday's . . . shenanigan?_

**Tony: **_So you and Clint talked things over? Good, good. So are you two going out yet or no_

**Natasha: **_. . . you have five seconds to explain_

**Tony: **_Oh, do I now?_

**Natasha: **_They call me Black Widow for a reason._

**Natasha: **_Right now I'm thinking of thirty-one ways to kill you._

**Natasha: **_With a tissue._

**Tony: **_So, what, death by paper-cut?_

**Natasha: **_Five seconds Stark._

**Tony: **_Ok, so Clint left his phone, I found it, I hacked into it for fun and then I thought that maybe I could get you to go out with him because there's some obvious sexual tension thing going on between you two and I thought I'd help out, but then I got carried away with those hilarious pick-up lines. We cool?_

**Natasha: **_Yes, hilarious._

**Natasha: **_Clint told me all that, but I just wanted to make sure. Yes, we're cool . . . for now. Also, what about the obvious sexual tension between you and Loki?_

**Tony: **_Loki tried to take over Earth, how could I be attracted to him?_

**Natasha: **_That was two years ago, and now Thor's sorted him out and he's on our side. You know that, unless you've been living under a rock for these past two years. _

**Natasha: **_Also, you're losing your touch._

**Tony: **_I thought this was about you and Clint. Also, what_

**Natasha: **_Your pining is obvious._

**Tony: **_My pining . . ._

**Natasha: **_For Loki_

**Tony: **_. . . So are you and Clint a couple now?_

**Natasha: **_Don't think we're finished here. _

**Natasha: **_I'm going to talk to Loki._

**Natasha: **_. . ._

**Natasha: **_Also, yes, Clint and I are a couple now._

**Tony: **_Knew it!_

**Natasha: **_Stop waving your ego around, it had nothing to do with you._

**Tony: **_Eh, whatever helps you sleep at night :D_

**Natasha: **_The same goes for you when you deny pining for Loki._

**Tony: **_Ooh burn. _

**Tony: **_I need some ice that was such a burn._

**Tony: **_. . ._

**Tony: **_Ok, sure, even I admit that was hardly up to my usual standards of wit, but that doesn't mean you can just leaf!_

**Tony: **_*leave _

**Natasha: **_*comes back* No, no actually I'm leaving *leafs*_

**Tony: **_You're making fun of me_

**Tony: **_. . ._

**Tony: **_:(_

* * *

**Natasha: **_Loki?_

**Loki: **_This is he._

**Natasha: **_Right. So, Tony likes you._

**Loki: **_That much is obvious._

**Natasha: **_Seriously? You know? Soooo do you like him?_

**Loki: **_. . . not particularly._

**Natasha: **_I feel you_

**Loki: **_What? I thought you were courting Barton!_

**Natasha: **_I wasn't . . . I was just saying that I understood how . . . never mind. _

**Natasha: **_So, you don't like him? Even as a friend?_

**Loki: **_If by friend you mean someone I put up with, then yes I do actually._

**Natasha: **_But do you, you know, have feelings for him?_

**Loki: **_I think we just established that_

**Natasha: **_I mean GOOD feelings like you LOVE him type feelings._

**Loki: **_He is insufferable._

**Natasha: **_. . ._

**Loki: **_His ego fills every nook and cranny of the tower._

**Natasha: **_. . ._

**Loki: **_He thinks himself among our ranks, because he is admittedly the most handsome mortal I have come across._

**Natasha: **_. . ._

**Loki: **_Just because he is stunning, does not make him a God._

**Natasha: **_. . ._

**Loki: **_I mean, _I_ have better hair than he._

**Natasha: **_. . ._

**Loki: **_I am nicknamed Silvertongue because of my easy lies and smooth wit, and yet this mortal leaves me tongue-tied, lost for words._

**Natasha: **_. . ._

**Loki: **_He is aggravating in every way. The way he teases me, openly ogles my body, openly flaunts his own in a way that I can't help but stare, and the way that he is nothing but a scruffy mortal and yet . . ._

**Natasha: **_It's a love/hate relationship with you guys, I get it! Please, I get enough fanboying from Tony about you, so just stop right there._

**Natasha: **_There is obviously A LOT of Sexual Tension between you two, why don't you just go out already? (Now I can understand how Tony felt about Clint and I)_

**Loki: **_Why_

**Natasha: **_. . . because you two obviously love each other?_

**Loki: **_No, why would you capitalize "sexual tension"._

**Natasha: **_Because it's an official thing, there's that much Sexual Tension between you and Tony. _

**Loki: **_And how would one relieve this . . . sexual tension._

**Natasha: **_Derp make out already. With Tony. I'd put money on him pining away for you in his lab right about now. So go._

**Loki: **_Mortal, you cannot just order me around._

**Natasha: **_Radi boga seksual'noye napryazheniye mezhdu vami takoy gustoy ya, veroyatno, ne smozhet rezat' nozhom, I vy znayete, kak ya s nozhome! Tak chto poluchit' prikaldom tam ili da pomozhet mne!_

**Loki: **_Fine, mortal, but just this once. _

**Natasha: **_Wait you speak Russian_

**Loki: **_I have the All-tongue. I speak any language. Now I must go and woo the man of iron._

**Natasha: **_I wish you luck (you won't need it, trust me). _

* * *

**Tony: **_Can I just say . . . wow? Loki really knows his stuff._

**Clint: **_Tony, I'm happy for you, I really am, but I don't need any details._

**Tony: **_But –_

**Clint: **_None._

**Clint: **_None at all. Please. _

**Tony: **_Fine. The sex was awesome, that's all I feel like sharing with you anyways. So, how are you and Nat?_

**Clint: **_Awesome._

**Tony: **_So things worked out in the end, didn't they?_

**Clint: **_How do you mean?_

**Tony: **_You and Nat are a couple and so are Loki and I._

**Tony: **_All because of me. Flirting with Nat for you._

**Clint: **_That was so not flirting. And Nat's the reason you and Loki are together, or else you'd be pining away for another six months._

**Tony: **_I DO NOT PINE!_

**Tony: **_New house rule: Don't accuse Tony of pining._

**Clint: **_New house rule?_

**Tony: **_It comes under "we do not throw pop-tarts out the window in hopes of seeing Thor jump out after them"._

**Clint: **_I mean, since when do we have house rules?_

**Tony: **_Since Pepper told us off for throwing pop-tarts out the window in hopes of seeing Thor jump out after them. _

**Clint: **_Ok, here's one: If we are in a gay relationship we do not go into detail of said relationship with straight people._

**Tony: **_Clint, I make the rules._

**Clint: **_What? That's not –_

**Tony: **_My tower._

**Clint: **_I used to kill people for a living. I should get to make some rules._

**Tony: **_Not unless you want me to have Jarvis post kinky footage of you and Nat having sex on the Internet._

**Clint: **_YOU HAVE FOOTAGE OF WHAT?!_

**Tony: **_So, yeah, happy ending._


	13. Chapter 13

**A/N Goddamn, I have stupid writer's block that is not permitting me to write anything other than this chapter. Writer's block works in mysterious ways, I know. So please forgive me for giving you this instead of the next chapter of Stony All The Way. Half of you probably don't care either way but . . . wow.  
I just made myself sad with the thought that none of you actually care about this story and that you have more important things to do, you know, in real life. Fresh air, remember that? Anyway, I'll perk up once I get some reviews :3**

**Uh, let's see, this one is Clintasha/Coulson, Stony and Thorki, and it involves sexting. Nothing explicit, though. (Read that in an apologetic tone if you wish). **

**Chapter Thirteen**

**Clint: **_[PXT]_

**Natasha: **_. . . _

**Natasha: **_ARGH! CLINT WHAT POSSESSED YOU TO SEND SOMETHING LIKE THAT TO ME! _

**Natasha: **_GOD CLINT MY EYES! WHY WHY WHY!_

**Clint: **_What's wrong? This is Nat right?_

**Natasha: **_No, it's Bruce! Bruce Banner, you know, your friend? Your VERY STRAIGHT friend who does not appreciate photos of your dick, thankyou very much!_

**Clint: **_. . . Oh. My. God._

**Clint: **_I mixed up your numbers_

**Clint: **_How did I mix up your numbers – I was just texting Nat like I usually do. This is the number that is listed under her name._

**Natasha: **_Ask Stark about it, I'm busy trying to make an effective brain bleach._

**Clint: **_Ah, ok. I'm super sorry, Bruce, ol' buddy ol' pal. That was not intended for you._

**Natasha: **_I figured. I feel violated though, I mean, you sexted me._

**Clint: **_Won't happen again, I SWEAR. Let's forget this ever happened ok? Going to talk to Stark, brb._

* * *

**Clint: **_Tony! Need your help with something. _

**Tony: **_Friend Clint, I would be most honoured to help with what ails you._

**Clint: **_Tony? You sound like Thor._

**Clint: **_Wait is this Thor_

**Tony: **_How did you know! And yes, 'tis I._

**Clint: **_Seriously? I'm trying to get a hold of Tony. Something's wrong with my phone, my contacts are all mixed up. I wonder who I'll get if I text the number under YOUR name._

**Tony: **_Do your contacts often get mixed up – for this may be the work of my brother. _

**Clint: **_Hmm, you could be right. This hasn't happened before. And your brother has only just joined the Avengers. _

**Clint: **_Coincidence? I think not. Thanks anyway, Thor._

**Tony: **_You are most welcome, I am glad to have assisted with what ails you._

**Tony: **_. . . I crave ale._

* * *

**Loki: **_[PXT]_

**Tony: **_Holy. Mother. Of. Jesus. _

**Tony: **_0.o_

**Loki: **_Tony? _

**Tony: **_Please call and leave a message, Tony is currently blind._

**Loki: **_I'm sorry! You like technology, and I heard of this . . . "sexting" thing . . . it's my first time . . . sorry_

**Tony: **_. . . Steve?_

**Loki: **_Yeah?_

**Tony: **_Oh WOW my phone was telling me that that picture was from Loki. _

**Tony: **_Nice picture btw ;)_

**Loki: **_So, I'm not doing this wrong._

**Tony: **_No, no, no. I just love you even more for that, but I was feeling a little . . . sick because I assumed it was a picture of LOKI._

**Loki: **_Gosh._

**Loki: **_I'm sorry that I freaked you out there. But why did my number come up with Loki's name?_

**Tony: **_No idea, hold on one moment._

**Loki: **_. . . _

**Tony: **_Huh. I checked my contacts, and everything looks right. Wtf._

**Loki: **_Are you sure my number is correct? Why don't you try texting the number under my name?_

**Tony: **_Ok. Two seconds, Clint's texting me._

* * *

**Clint: **_Uh, Bruce?_

**Tony: **_Guess again._

**Clint: **_Tony?_

**Tony: **_What can I do for you?_

**Clint: **_Oh thank God, I am sick of texting the wrong person._

**Tony: **_Your contacts all mixed up?_

**Clint: **_It was YOU!_

**Tony: **_No, I have the same problem._

**Tony: **_Loki sexted me just now._

**Tony: **_Only it wasn't Loki, it was Steve, thank god._

**Clint: **_Really? I sexted Natasha just now._

**Clint: **_Only it wasn't Natasha._

**Tony: **_LMFAO what was it of and who'd you send it to?_

**Clint: **_What do you think and Bruce._

**Tony: **_OMFG!_

**Clint: **_Yeah, I found it utterly hilarious -.-_

**Clint: **_So can you fix this? Thor reckons it might be Loki's doing._

**Tony: **_It could be, since there is nothing visibly wrong with my contacts. Oh, wait; I was going to text Steve's number. Brb._

* * *

**Tony: **_Hey, babe._

**Steve: **_?_

**Tony: **_You up for some "fonduing" tonight?_

**Steve: **_. . . I presume that you are assuming that this is your Captain._

**Tony: **_. . . Not Steve then. Ok. Loki?_

**Steve: **_Yes._

**Tony: **_Knew it. Have you swapped everyone's numbers around?_

**Steve: **_And what if I have?_

**Tony: **_You have, haven't you? Using your fairy dust._

**Steve: **_Do not refer to my magic as sprite particles._

**Tony: **_Magic, whatever. Sort this out ok? Clint's already sexted Bruce, and you sexted me, only it wasn't you it was Steve, but it freaked me out and I almost went blind. _

**Loki: **_Ehehehehehehe and has Thor been caught up in this chaos of late?_

**Tony: **_Uh, not that I know of. And I don't like you laughing at my pain._

**Loki: **_Hmm. Well, my apologies Stark but there is nothing I can do._

**Tony: **_Wait is this revenge on the team for something or revenge on Thor?_

**Loki: **_Both._

**Tony: **_Can I ask why? Because I still have to text Clint and Steve back and I don't want to end up texting Agent Coulson. Or God forbid Nick Fury._

**Loki: **_It is a private matter between Thor and I._

**Tony: **_Ok, I'll go ask him then._

**Loki: **_Ehehehehehe. _

**Loki:**_ How can you be sure who you are texting?_

**Tony: **_I'll take a lucky guess. We are not finished with this, ok? Brb._

* * *

**Natasha: **_Hey, just to let you know, Clint and I will be waiting for you in the shower tonight ;) Don't work too hard today, ok babe? xx_

**Phil Coulson: **_. . ._

**Phil Coulson: **_. . . ROMANOFF! You clearly have the wrong number._

**Natasha: **_Um, ISN'T this Phil? Phil Coulson?_

**Phil Coulson: **_I think I know who Agent Coulson is, Romanoff. _

**Natasha: **_Oh hell, director Fury?!_

**Phil Coulson: **_Yes, and what has been seen cannot be unseen. _

**Natasha: **_Ah, crap. I am dreadfully sorry, sir, it appears I have mixed up your numbers. Just delete what I said and we can pretend this never happened._

**Phil Coulson: **_Actually, I am rather interested. Not in what you have planned for Coulson tonight – believe me, I did not need the details – but the fact that you neglected to inform me of the fact that you, Barton and Coulson are together in the first place?_

**Natasha: **_Well, we're together sir. Clint, Phil and I are lovers._

**Phil Coulson: **_We'll bring this up in our next meeting._

**Natasha: **_Um . . . the shower or_

**Phil Coulson: **_YOUR RELATIONSHIP! I don't EVER want to read anything like that EVER again, is that understood, miss Romanoff?_

**Natasha: **_Yes, sir, my apologies sir. I'll chase Tony up on this – technology is his thing, he'll sort my phone out._

**Phil Coulson: **_You see to that. Please. Deleting this conversation now._

* * *

**Natasha: **_TONY!_

**Tony: **_Aye, this is actually Thor._

**Natasha: **_Not again!_

**Tony: **_Are you having troubles with your mobile phone contacts?_

**Natasha: **_How did you know?_

**Tony: **_Clint came to me with the same complication! He too thought that I was the man of iron._

**Tony: **_I am not._

**Natasha: **_Yes, I realised. So I'm not the only one, hmm. _

**Tony: **_I suggested to friend Clint that Loki's frustration may be the cause of his phone troubles, rather than a technological problem._

**Natasha: **_Why would Loki be frustrated? I thought you guys were going well?_

**Tony: **_Aye, but Loki did not take it too kindly when I chose to go out with you and the others, rather than stay home to copulate with him._

**Natasha: **_Um, ok. And this is his idea of revenge? Messing up our numbers?_

**Tony: **_It appears so. _

**Natasha: **_Can't you talk to Loki? And well, appease him?_

**Tony: **_Sometimes I must treat Loki like a stubborn child. I cannot simply give him what he wants every time he becomes angered. _

**Natasha: **_I'll talk to him then. Because he owes me for a too intimate conversation with Fury._

**Tony: **_May I query what occurred?_

**Natasha: **_I'd rather you didn't. I'm trying my hardest to forget. _

**Natasha: **_Huh, Bruce is texting me. Bye._

* * *

**Natasha: **_What's up Bruce?_

**Bruce: **_Uh, this isn't Bruce. And you don't sound like Thor._

**Natasha: **_I was just talking to Thor. This is Natasha. His number kept coming up as Tony's._

**Bruce: **_And now mine's come up as Bruce's? _

**Natasha: **_Tony?_

**Bruce: **_Yep. _

**Bruce: **_Clint has the same problem. I'm trying to get to the bottom of this._

**Bruce: **_Something's going on between Thor and Loki, but Loki is a stubborn shit so I was trying to get a hold of his brother, lover, whatever._

**Natasha: **_Doesn't matter, Thor told me anyway. The deal is that Thor chose the team over Loki so now Loki is messing with us. As revenge._

**Bruce: **_If Loki's that mad about it, why doesn't Thor just put out?_

**Natasha: **_Something about having to treat Loki like a child and not giving him what he wants every time he gets in one of his moods._

**Bruce: **_lol Thor's not putting out. _

**Bruce: **_But seriously, that's all that's bothering him? He _is_ a child. This has got to stop, too many traumatising things have happened already._

**Natasha: **_You too?_

**Bruce: **_And Barton. Don't ask._

**Natasha: **_I won't if you won't_

**Bruce: **_It's a deal_

* * *

**Tony: **_Hey, Clint?_

**Clint: **_This is Clint. Is this Tony? _

**Tony: **_Yeah_

**Clint: **_Good, you can't be too careful these days, what with these phone shenanigans._

**Tony: **_Actually, I got to the bottom of it with help from Natasha (and none from Loki) and found out that Thor didn't put out for Loki, instead he came out with us, remember last week? Well, Loki's still steamed and this is his idea of revenge._

**Clint: **_Better than him trying to take over Earth._

**Clint: **_But at least then I didn't send pictures of my dick to Bruce._

**Tony: **_Ha. Anyway, you might want to talk to Natasha. I think something happened with her too. And you also need to explain YOUR mishap because it'll be better coming from you rather than Bruce. You do that, and I'll talk to Steve._

**Clint: **_Oh god. Natasha too? Before all this we were discussing our plans for when Phil gets home tonight!_

**Tony: **_Wow. I wonder who she sent said plans to?_

**Clint: **_I feel mildly trepidatious. But I have to know. *Sigh* talk to you later, ok? I'll get Phil to organise a team meeting so we can make Loki put things right._

**Tony: **_Is that the only thing you're going to get Phil to do?_

**Tony:**_ Heh-heh._

**Clint: **_. . ._

**Tony: **_. . . innuendo backfire, I just grossed myself out._

**Clint: **_-.-_

* * *

**Tony: **_Steve, my boy, is this you?_

**Loki: **_No, this is Phil Coulson._

**Tony: **_Wtf this was Steve not that long ago._

**Loki: **_I'm kidding, Tony, it's me. _

**Loki: **_Steve._

**Tony: **_Well now I don't believe you._

**Tony: **_So prove it._

**Loki: **_Ok, um, well, you were the first person I've ever had fondue with._

**Loki: **_And by fondue I mean, "fondue"._

**Loki: **_And by "fondue" I mean, well._

**Tony: **_Hm, no I'll need more proof._

**Loki: **_. . ._

**Loki: **_[PXT]_

**Tony: **_. . ._

**Tony: **_*drools*_

**Tony: **_You're going to have to prove that you know how to use that. Anyway, time for that later. I have news; Loki did this because he's annoyed that Thor didn't put out last week._

**Tony: **_And by put out I mean "fondue"._

**Loki: **_I get it Tony. You're making fun of me. You'll pay for that later. _

**Tony: **_. . ._

**Tony: **_Looking forward to it ;)_

**Loki: **_Anyway, can't Thor just tell Loki to knock it off?_

**Tony: **_Or, you know, put out._

**Loki: **_Oh, I didn't think of that._

**Tony: **_We've been together for years and you are still pure_

**Tony: **_I'm not doing my job right. And you'd think so, but no. Loki's stubborn – he just wants Thor to appease him and he'll stop, but then Thor is also stubborn, and doesn't want to give Loki what he wants every time he makes a fuss._

**Loki: **_. . . so they're like, brothers, lovers and father and son. That's taking incest a little too far._

**Tony: **_Loki's adopted, apparently it doesn't count. _

**Tony: **_Clint told me he'll get Phil to call a team meeting so we can talk to Loki face-to-face and get him to change everything back to the way it was. _

**Loki: **_. . . or Thor could put out._

**Tony: **_Aw, I'm rubbing off on you._

**Tony: **_I'll go tell Thor his options – put out or drag Loki kicking and screaming to a team meeting. _

**Loki: **_Um, ok. I miss you, by the way._

**Tony: **_Awwww I miss you too baby. But daddy has all this to sort out; while at the same time have Aunty Pepper drag him around Stark Enterprises meeting people. Be good for daddy while I'm gone, ok?_

**Loki: **_. . . the incest kink actually works. Hurry home._

* * *

**Clint: **_Bruce?_

**Natasha: **_Yes, Clint?_

**Clint: **_I've spoken to almost everyone, and apparently Thor didn't sleep with Loki last week – instead he came out with us – and Loki's pissed because of it. So this number changing thing is his revenge._

**Natasha: **_And how do we stop it?_

**Clint: **_Thor could put out, but hopefully Phil will organise a team meeting so we can tie Loki to a chair and force feed him a sock until he changes our numbers back._

**Natasha: **_. . ._

**Clint: **_It was just an idea_

**Natasha: **_I'll talk to Thor. Man to man, you know?_

**Clint: **_Yeah, ok._

**Clint: **_. . . wait, are you implying you're more manly than me?_

**Clint: **_Bruce?_

**Clint: **_:(_

* * *

**Bruce: **_Hey, Thor? This is Bruce._

**Thor: **_And this is Natasha. Use the number you have for Tony, it seems to be Thor's._

**Bruce: **_'K, just trying to contact him to convince him to talk to Loki._

**Thor: **_Good luck with that._

**Thor: **_Also, Clint told me what happened. I'm so very sorry._

**Bruce: **_Sure you are. I bet you just wanted to have seen my reaction when I opened up Clint's picture. _

**Bruce: **_You know, this whole thing is creating trust issues within the group._

**Thor: **_Tell that to Thor, it might convince him. Give him a speech on teamwork or some BS. _

**Thor: **_Also, I really am sorry, because seeing a picture of Clint's dick when one is not in a relationship with Clint can be a traumatising experience._

**Thor: **_I would know, we used that to scare new agents._

**Thor: **_Anyhow, you have some persuading to do. If it doesn't work, let me know. You use your words, and I'll use . . . my special skill set. On Loki._

**Bruce: **_The latter may not be the best idea, let me just say. Talk to you later._

**Thor: **_See ya, babe xx_

**Bruce: **_. . ._

**Bruce: **_That looks so odd under Thor's name._

* * *

**Bruce: **_Thor, we need to talk._

**Tony: **_Great, but wrong person._

**Bruce: **_Oh lordy, Pepper?_

**Tony: **_Nope, it's me. _

**Tony: **_Stark. _

**Tony: **_Tony Stark._

**Bruce: **_James Bond, very nice. _

**Bruce: **_Why is your number suddenly working again?_

**Tony: **_Heheheheh _

**Bruce: **_Thor slept with Loki?_

**Tony: **_Yep! He was sick of everyone hammering him (pun intended) with questions so he basically raped Loki. I say basically because even though Thor just suddenly stripped him and took him then and there, Loki did not protest._

**Bruce: **_I think that that was more than I needed to know. _

**Bruce: **_And how do you know?_

**Tony: **_As soon as I stepped into the tower . . . I heard them._

**Bruce: **_Say no more, I know from personal experience that the walls aren't exactly soundproof._

**Bruce: **_Tony._

**Tony: **_What? _

**Tony: **_. . ._

**Tony: **_Oh._

**Bruce: **_Yah._

**Tony: **_No actually, you're going to have to spell this one out for me._

**Bruce: **_The walls aren't exactly soundproof, I know that from experience. Guess whose room is next to mine?_

**Tony: **_Mine and Steve's?_

**Tony: **_. . ._

**Tony: **_Oh. I'll work on that._

**Bruce: **_Please, because I am sick of being jolted awake by the sound of one of you screaming out the other's name. Seriously. And I thought _Thor_ was vocal._

**Bruce: **_In general, not, you know, because I don't know, about . . . that._

**Tony: **_. . ._

**Bruce: **_*ahem*_

* * *

**Clint: **_Well, look's like Loki got exactly what he wanted. Revenge and Thor. He's so spoiled._

**Natasha: **_He always has the last laugh._

**Phil Coulson: **_Makes sense, he's the God of Mischief._

**Loki: **_. . ._

**Loki: **_[PXT]_

**Phil Coulson: **_. . ._

**Natasha: **_. . ._

**Clint: **_. . ._

**Phil Coulson: **_Holy . . ._

**Natasha: **_Mother . . ._

**Clint: **_Of fuck . . ._

**Loki: **_Ehehehehehe_

**A/N Loki is just so much fun to write, obviously he must always have the last laugh :D**

**PS: I have chapter fourteen completed already so if you want me to post it, don't you dare think about not reviewing. **

**I put this here not up there (um, in my first author's note I mean) because now it's fresh in your mind to R.E.V.I.E.W. **

**No? That's not good enough? Ok then here's a deal - if you want a million dollars as well as the next chapter, please review.**


	14. Chapter 14

**A/N S.S Superhusbands gave me this idea a while back, so I'm sorry that I haven't written it and posted it sooner. This one is Stony/Bucky and ends in a threesome. Maybe. Bucky has a bad case of autocorrect. **

**I'm sure you got automatic warm fuzzies for reviewing so I won't give you a million dollars. Not that I even HAVE a million dollars. Anyway.**

**Chapter Fourteen**

**Tony: **_Hey, just to let you know, I've given Bucky a Starkphone so expect him to text soon._

**Steve: **_Ok._

**Steve: **_He knows how to use it, right?_

**Tony: **_Uh, duh. As if I would give someone a phone and not show them how to use it._

**Steve: **_. . ._

**Steve: **_You did that to me._

**Tony: **_. . . you were a little uptight for my liking back then, so I just was messing around. _

**Steve: **_I feel insulted._

**Tony: **_Sorry babe._

**Tony: **_I'll make it up to you later, ok?_

**Steve: **_Ok._

**Steve: **_Are you going to make me dinner?_

**Tony: **_. . ._

**Tony: **_Let's just say I'm in charge of the dessert ;)_

**Bucky: **_. . ._

**Steve: **_Bucky? Hello?_

**Bucky: **_Hell, Seven I'm fucking you tonight._

**Steve: **_. . . Excuse me?_

**Tony: **_Did you just say you're fucking my boyfriend tonight?_

**Bucky: **_Oh, Tony this penis stuff is hard. _

**Tony: **_. . . what_

**Steve: **_Bucky! What's gotten into you?_

**Bucky: **_Seven, how do I jack-off?_

**Tony: **_Will you stop talking dirty to my boyfriend_

**Steve: **_Bucky, are you drunk right now? _

**Bucky: **_I'm stuck in war and oh! I need wanton to help me turn off_

**Tony: **_That's it, James Buchanan Barnes, you say something like that again and I'll kick your ass_

**Steve: **_Tony, don't do anything rash. We should help Bucky first – I think he's drunk. Bucky, where are you? We'll come pick you up._

**Bucky: **_I'm not duck. This penis is fucking me._

**Tony: **_. . . _

**Tony: **_A gay bar then, we got'cha._

**Steve: **_Leave him alone, there's obviously something wrong. _

**Steve: **_Bucky, why don't you call us?_

**Bucky: **_Fingers are in ass of this penis._

**Tony: **_WHAT_

**Tony: **_That's it, I'm getting Jarvis to tell me where you are. _

**Steve: **_This is Bucky, isn't it?_

**Bucky: **_Seven, I don't lick proctology. I don't lick coitus either._

**Steve: **_. . ._

**Tony: **_Ok, Bucky, apparently you're in the tower, but Jarvis doesn't know where, so it's obviously somewhere where there are no cameras. _

**Steve: **_Are you in the bathroom, Bucky?_

**Bucky: **_Oh! Stuck in coitus!_

**Tony: **_You're . . . stuck in . . . what? What are you playing at Bucky?_

**Steve: **_Let's ask him that when we find him. I'll text Clint and ask him to help look._

**Steve: **_. . ._

**Clint: **_So what exactly is going on?_

**Tony: **_Bucky has gone mad and he's in the tower somewhere and we can't find him._

**Clint: **_And where did Bucky say he was?_

**Bucky: **_Stuck in my coitus!_

**Clint: **_. . . Uh, I hate to say this, but we'll need a little more information._

**Bucky: **_STUCK IN GODDONUT COITOUS!_

**Bucky: **_AND THIS GODDOORMAT PENIS IS MAKING ME AIRY!_

**Clint: **_Maybe Bucky just can't text right for some reason._

**Bucky: **_Yes! Mint I lick you!_

**Clint: **_Uh, whatever. Who gave him that phone anyway?_

**Tony: **_I did, so there shouldn't be anything wrong with it._

**Steve: **_And you showed him how to text properly?_

**Tony: **_YES! _

**Tony: **_. . ._

**Tony: **_Although now that I think about it, I forgot to turn off autocorrect._

**Bucky: **_?_

**Tony: **_You type something in and if the phone doesn't recognise the word, it changes it to something that looks similar. _

**Bucky: **_!_

**Clint: **_Ok, so Bucky has a bad case of autocorrect. How do we find him?_

**Bucky: **_Coitus!_

**Clint: **_Um, after we've found you._

**Clint: **_And not even then._

**Bucky: **_Oh, coitus! Loki in the coitus!_

**Steve: **_Loki! Of course he would have something to do with this._

**Clint: **_Crap, should I alert S.H.I.E.L.D?_

**Tony: **_No, autocorrect remember?_

**Steve: **_But what if it isn't?_

**Tony: **_Loki in the sex? Pretty sure that's autocorrect. But just to make sure, Bucky is Loki with you?_

**Bucky: **_Oh! _

**Steve: **_Let's take that as a no. In fact, I think he's been saying that for a while._

**Tony: **_He's also been saying penis a lot lately, what does that mean?_

**Bucky: **_PENIS!_

**Clint: **_Whoa a little passionate there. He's probably jealous of you and Steve._

**Bucky: **_Oh! I'm in the coitus! War drone! _

**Steve: **_War drone?_

**Tony: **_Wardrobe?_

**Bucky: **_!_

**Steve: **_So coitus is actually closet?_

**Bucky: **_Hes! I cold kiss you Seven!_

**Tony: **_I can still read that mister, despite the autocorrect._

**Clint: **_So Bucky is stuck in a closet. Can't you ask Jarvis which one?_

**Tony: **_. . ._

**Tony: **_He doesn't know. There aren't any cameras in any of the closets._

**Bucky: **_My!_

**Steve: **_Bucky's stuck in HIS closet. _

**Bucky: **_Cum for me Seven? _

**Tony: **_AHEM. _

**Bucky: **_Or Tony cum for me. Just cum for me one of you this penis is hard!_

**Clint: **_. . . wow. _

**Steve: **_I'm coming down to get you, ok Bucky? Brb._

**Clint: **_I guess you could say Bucky's finally coming out of the closet in both senses._

**Tony: **_I don't like the way he was talking dirty to Steve._

**Clint: **_Autocorrect, remember?_

**Tony: **_Yes but I still got jealous._

**Bucky: **_Gays, this is Seve. Bucky's penis is very hard to use. I'm using it now – I just orgy Bucky out the coitus._

**Tony: **_. . ._

**Clint: **_. . ._

**Steve: **_Sorry about that, I meant to say Bucky's PHONE is very hard to use and that I just GOT Bucky out of the CLOSET._

**Tony: **_So all this time whenever Bucky said penis he meant phone?_

**Clint: **_No orgy? I'm disappointed._

**Steve: **_Bucky here, using Steve's phone. Very funny, Clint. Sorry guys for all that. I didn't mean to say anything crude – I was just trying to tell you that my phone was acting up and that I was stuck in the closet. _

**Tony: **_Can you explain: Fingers are in ass of this penis._

**Tony: **_Because I didn't like that comment._

**Steve: **_I am SO, SO sorry Tony, I was NOT hitting on Steve. And there I meant to say my fingers are too big for this phone. But then I realised it was the phone that wasn't working, not me doing something wrong. _

**Steve: **_And when I told you to cum for me, I meant come get me. From the closet. And I don't LIKE TECHNOLOGY. And I don't LIKE CLOSETS._

**Steve: **_And I was asking Steve how to turn autocorrect off, not . . . that other thing._

**Steve:**_ I'm so embarrassed, I feel like shutting myself back in my closet. _

**Tony: **_Please don't. Not until I turn off autocorrect for you. I'm in my room right now, come up here and I'll turn it off._

**Clint: **_I should quickly call Natasha because I may or may not have told her that you lost Bucky._

**Clint: **_And she may or may not have said that she would kill you._

**Tony: **_YOU are going to be the death of me, Barton. One of these days._

* * *

**Tony: **_So, Bucky, try using your phone now._

**Bucky: **_My name is James Buchanan Barnes and my best friend is Steven Grant Rogers who is currently going out with Anthony Edward Stark. Steve is also my hero because he rescued me from my closet._

**Steve: **_It was no big deal. I'm just glad Loki wasn't involved._

**Tony: **_I'm just glad Bucky wasn't actually talking dirty to you._

**Tony: **_Speaking of which, are we still on for tonight Steve?_

**Steve: **_Oh yes, we are._

**Steve: **_Bucky, would you like to join us for dinner?_

**Tony: **_Steve! Bucky can't have dinner with us because afterwards we're going to have dessert. _

**Tony: **_As in fondue._

**Bucky: **_Oh I love fondue! Count me in._

**Steve: **_Excellent._

**Tony: **_No, not excellent! Steve, we are going to fondue after dinner._

**Tony: **_. . . FONDUE._

**Steve: **_Oh._

**Steve: **_Oh!_

**Bucky: **_Am I missing something here?_

**Bucky: **_Does fondue stand for something?_

**Tony: **_It's our code thing. _

**Steve: **_It stands for Feeling Overly Naughty . . . and, well, I'll leave the other letters up to your imagination. _

**Bucky: **_So, no actual dessert then._

**Tony: **_Do I have to spell it out for you?_

**Tony: **_After dinner Steve and I are going to have coitus._

**Bucky: **_. . . _

**Steve: **_Tony that wasn't very nice. Don't make fun._

**Steve: **_And we have a code for a reason._

**Bucky: **_. . ._

**Tony: **_Says you who gave away half of it._

**Bucky: **_. . ._

**Steve: **_Sorry Bucky, we won't be seeing you later tonight, ok?_

**Tony: **_And if you're looking for us in the morning, we'll probably be in the shower._

**Tony: **_And you're not invited, by the way._

**Steve: **_Tony!_

**Bucky: **_. . ._

**Tony: **_What? Ok, fine, Bucky you can join us._

**Steve: **_No, that's not what I meant . . . never mind._

**Bucky: **_. . . _

**Tony: **_. . . is it wrong that I'm fantasising about us three in the shower now?_

**Bucky: **_Holy Jesus, no, that's exactly what I've been fantasising about this whole time in fact I would love to fondue with you guys that would be so, so hot, I mean great, and the shower thing, I'd love to get in on that action._

**Tony: **_. . ._

**Steve: **_. . ._

**Bucky: **_. . ._

**Bucky: **_Sorry, autocorrect._

**Bucky: **_. . ._

**Bucky: **_*Ew_

**Steve: **_. . ._

**Tony: **_Wow you really did come out of the closet in both senses. _

**Tony: **_I'm fonduing with Steve tonight but there's plenty of room in our shower if you want to join us tomorrow morning?_

**Steve: **_What . . . Tony that's . . . we can't . . ._

**Bucky: **_. . . you're still messing with me aren't you?_

**Tony: **_Steve, he doesn't believe me. Tell him we'd love to have a threesome._

**Steve: **_Um, we haven't talked about this._

**Tony: **_We are talking about this. Is that your only issue? Ok, good, that's settled._

**Tony: **_You, me, Steve, our shower at eight._

**Bucky: **_Well, I'd love to, but I don't think Steve's ok with that._

**Steve: **_. . ._

**Steve: **_. . . it's all my fantasies come true. _

**Tony: **_. . ._

**Bucky: **_. . ._

**Bucky: **_Eight it is._

**A/N Oh and after AAderpette read this, she told me that in the comics Bucky survived and ended up working for S.H.I.E.L.D and ended up going out with Natasha. But in this story, they're not together – AAderpette said I kind of portrayed it that way, but they're not together. Natasha was just mad at Tony. **

**Now I'm scared that in Captain America; The Winter Soldier Bucky is going to be discovered and he's going to go out with Natasha. That's just going to blow so many holes in my ships! But I'm also getting the tingles, the good kind, in anticipation of Steve finding out that Bucky survived. If he does - I'm **_**assuming**_** Bucky survives. I hope he does. **

**Please review!**


	15. Chapter 15

**A/N Yay reviews! Thankyou thankyou thankyou I'm grateful even though there were only three . . . and two were from the same person . . . In response to Alan Ramsey Grey, chocolate, ehehehe. And the following is also inspired by a prompt from Alan Ramsey Grey. **

**Got through my maths exam yesterday, and now today later this afternoon I have a Society and Environment exam. Dear Odin, please give me good grades – if you do, I'll stop disrespecting your parenting skills. If you can throw in Spiderman abilities along with top scores, that'd be great, thanks. If you are planning to do this, give me no sign. If you also think I should eat that one last cookie in the cookie jar, give me no sign. Amen.  
*Looks around* *Nothing happens***

**Interesting . . .**

**Oh, and you also should know that for each chapter, there will be random pairings, and the chapters don't continue on from each other, unless I say they do. AND I will be working on Stony All The Way, like, soon. Sometime. Right, glad we cleared that up.**

**Chapter Ummm . . . Fifteen, I Almost Forgot.**

**Loki: **_You insipid mortals are incredibly chaotic and intolerable._

**Steve: **_Did Tony do something? Tony did something, didn't he? What did Tony do now?_

**Loki: **_It was not the man of iron, or anyone on your team of spandex wearing superheroes._

**Steve: **_. . . if you're going to insult me, leave the Captain America costume out of this, especially since all I'm trying to do is be here for you._

**Loki: **_My apologies, I am merely angered about my experience with mortals only an hour ago._

**Loki: **_And I find you rather fetching in spandex, I must say, so again I apologise for saying what seemed to be otherwise._

**Steve: **_Well, uh, thanks . . .?  
_

**Loki: **_You are most welcome._

**Loki: **_As I was raging, mortals are noisy, pushy and lack the part of the brain where logic is stored. _

**Steve: **_Yeah, you come across people like that sometimes. What particular situation are you talking about?_

**Loki: **_I am referring to an hour ago, when I ventured out into the streets of your Midgardian land and went "shopping"._

**Steve: **_You? Went shopping? With whom?_

**Loki: **_Nobody. I went through it without any support from my supposed "allies"._

**Steve: **_If you had asked, one of us would have gone with you. Like Thor maybe?_

**Loki: **_I have heard stories of Stark's adventures to the "shops" with my brother, and I am always surprised that he lives to tell the tale each time. And as I had no plans to fill two shopping "trolleys" with nothing but Pop-Tarts, asking my brother along was not the most favourable idea I came up with._

**Steve: **_Ok, not Thor then. What about me?_

**Loki: **_You were my first choice, naturally darling, as you always have been in many different circumstances, but Stark's robot butler informed me that you were in Stark's company and I did not wish to intrude as I knew Stark would only say something that would make both of us uncomfortable._

**Loki: **_So I ventured alone and considering the things I encountered, I am grateful to be able to recount the tale._

**Steve: **_Well, good for you. But know that you can always talk to me, no matter where I am or who I'm with, especially if I'm hanging with someone on the team._

**Loki: **_Hmmm, I suppose so. And if they have to witness me ravish you before their very eyes, then so be it._

**Steve: **_. . ._

**Steve: **_Wow._

**Loki: **_I take it that you approve?_

**Steve: **_Yes._

**Steve:**_ Well, except for the part where it happens right in front of the others. That part I don't like._

**Steve: **_I think they'd feel the same way._

**Loki: **_Well then, you must hurry home soon where I will meet with you, or I will be forced to take you where you stand now._

**Steve: **_. . . I'm currently in a meeting with everyone, including Phil and the Director._

**Loki: **_Exactly_

**Loki: **_Ehehehehehe_

**Loki: **_And where was I? Ah yes, your mortal civilians were most unbecoming while I "shopped" just now. I had people squeezing past me, brushing against my bottom, reaching around me, and standing close behind and in front of me as I purchased my products. _

**Loki: **_They seemed to have no knowledge of personal space._

**Steve: **_It's just something you're not used to._

**Loki: **_Yes, and I was certainly not used to the way the "lady" at the "checkout counter" treated me. She asked me if I had flybys, how dare she ask such a question!  
_

**Steve: **_Do you . . . know what flybys are?_

**Loki: **_No, not really, but I could only assume she was asking me something rude and personal, so I silenced her and told her to continue doing what other lower mortals pay her to do, like the commoner she is._

**Steve: **_Oh my gosh, Loki you can't talk to people like that. And flybys aren't . . . they tell them to ask customers that . . . never mind._

**Steve: **_Maybe I should just go with you next time._

**Loki: **_Oh ho, ho, there will be no next time._

**Steve: **_Loki, you can't judge something based on one experience that doesn't actually sound bad at all._

**Loki: **_No, darling, there really will be no next time._

**Steve: **_. . . what do you mean?_

**Loki: **_I was banished from "Coles", never to show my face in their too brightly lit store, not that I would ever want to venture to their parts again._

**Steve: **_They _banned_ you? Just for being rude to . . . Loki what else did you do?_

**Loki: **_Well, I may or may not have caused everyone to lose control of their trolleys. And I may or may not have knocked over their shelves of products like "dominoes".  
_

**Steve: **_Oh no, you didn't._

**Loki: **_Yes, I did actually, and another great injustice was done against me, for I was exiled from Target._

**Steve: **_What? What happened?_

**Loki: **_I tried on a piece of clothing. I guess I should have used one of those "changing room" cubicles, but I just changed where I was._

**Loki: **_So when a servant girl, or "staff member" as you call them, came over to me, I asked her opinion of what I was wearing. But she just told me that I could be charged for indecent exposure, so I backed her up against the wall and told her that I am a GOD._

**Steve: **_No, Loki, you _listen_ to the staff at Target. And what were you wearing anyway?_

**Loki: **_Are they called . . . thongs? Yes, I wore a thong. I have seen pictures of Midgardian females wearing the fabric, for it can hardly be called "clothing", and it entices most men so I thought I'd buy one and wear it to entice you._

**Steve: **_You . . . a thong? And what happened to the lady?_

**Loki: **_Yes. And the servant girl slapped me and screamed for "security"._

**Steve: **_No kidding, she probably thought you were about to attack her._

**Loki: **Me _attack _her_? _She _was the one who called "security", which I found out moments later were a group of big men wearing black outfits who tied my hands and took me to the "security cell" they have in their office._

**Steve: **_How is it that on your very first shopping trip you managed to get _banned_ from two stores and arrested for indecent exposure by security?_

**Loki: **_Um, I haven't quite finished, my dear . . . _

**Steve: **_Hold on, something's just come up._

**Loki: **_. . ._

**Steve: **_Oh my god, Loki where are you right now?_

**Loki: **_Why do you ask?_

**Steve: **_Because we're viewing live reports on how a "raven-haired madman" got arrested by security after causing expensive damage to Coles and attacking a staff member at Target before _breaking out_ of security and taking a security man hostage and teleporting to the roof of the shops!_

**Loki: **_. . . I was just coming to that part._

**Steve: **_Oh god._

**Steve: **_You're still wearing that thong._

**Loki: **_Yes, and as you can very well see, nothing butt._

**Steve: **_. . ._

**Loki: **_*but and yet, that too._

**Loki: **_Can you see me on TV right now?_

**Steve: **_Yes, all of us can._

**Steve: **_. . ._

**Steve: **_LOKI! Stop doing the pelvic thrust right now! And get down from the roof and stop terrorising that poor man._

**Loki: **_*pout* no._

**Steve: **_LOKI!_

**Loki: **_Steve :P_

**Thor: **_LOKI!_

**Loki: **_Thor?!_

**Thor: **_Do as Sir Steven says immediately! Put down that man!_

**Loki: **_. . ._

**Thor: **_Not over the roof!_

**Thor: **_NO Loki!_

**Loki: **_What do you people want from me?!_

**Steve: **_We want you to let the man go._

**Loki: **_*le sigh* fine. Done._

**Steve: **_And maybe you could magic some clothes on before coming down from the roof?_

**Loki: **_I quite like this thong._

**Loki: **_It is most . . . refreshing, the breeze I'm feeling down below._

**Steve: **_. . . At least stop causing a scene. Fury is getting mad._

**Loki: **_I do what I want!_

**Steve: **_And Tony and Clint are laughing and talking about recording the news report._

**Loki:**_ . . ._

**Thor: **_Come quietly, or Fury will have to put you back in the cell in the Helicarrier so you can "think about what you've done."_

**Loki: **_Fine. I'll come quietly, but only because STEVE asked._

**Loki: **_And I refuse to wear clothes._

**Thor: **_Loki!_

**Steve: **_Thor, I got this. Go deal with Stark and Barton, all right?_

**Thor: **_Yes, Captain._

**Thor: **_Loki, behave._

**Steve: **_Loki, why won't you wear clothes? I think you've terrorised the "insipid, chaotic and intolerable mortals" enough for one day._

**Steve: **_Loki where did you just go? You disappeared._

**Loki: **_I teleported. To your room actually, where I shall await your return._

**Loki: **_Because I am wearing a thong._

**Loki: **_It is enticing._

**Loki: **_Do you not wish to see it?_

**Steve: **_You just destroyed Coles, scared the ladies at Target, got arrested, broke out of security, took one of the security men as hostage, took him to the roof, did the pelvic thrust on live television while you were wearing nothing but a thong, leaving Director Fury cursing your name, Tony and Clint laughing until they can't breathe, Natasha plotting your death, and leaving Thor in tears and you expect me to sleep with you right now?_

**Loki: **_Yes._

**Steve: **_. . ._

**Loki: **_. . ._

**Loki: **_But when you put it like that, I'm guessing that the correct answer here is "no."_

**Loki: **_So no, I do not _expect _you to sleep with me right now, although you have no idea how much I wish it. In fact, I'll be seeing you shortly._

**Steve: **_. . . what do you mean shortly?_

**Steve: **_. . . Loki?_

*Later that day*

**Loki: **_. . ._

**Steve: **_. . ._

**Steve: **_LOKI I TOLD YOU I WAS IN A MEETING WITH THE OTHERS!_

**Steve: **_AND PHIL COULSON AND DIRECTOR FURY!_

**Steve: **_WHICH MEANS YOU _DO NOT_ APPEAR ON THE TABLE AND START UP THE PELVIC THRUST AGAIN_

**Loki: **_I do what I want, darling._

**Steve: **_Yes, you did, and where are you now?_

**Loki: **_In the Helicarrier's cell._

**Steve: **_Yes, in the Helicarrier's cell._

**Steve: **_And why is that?_

**Loki: **_. . . So I can think about what I've done._

**Steve: **_Yes, and so that you do not repeat those actions._

**Loki: **_I understand._

**Loki: **_. . . and while the others believe I am held in captivity, why don't you head on down to the supply cupboard on the floor you are on now, where I truly am, ready and waiting for you._

**Steve: **_You're _not_ in the cell?_

**Loki: **_Technically speaking, I am. But in reality, it is a clone._

**Steve: **_And you're waiting for me._

**Loki: **_In the supply closet._

**Steve: **_Wearing that thong?_

**Loki: **_Yes._

**Steve: **_I'm not sure that this is the best time . . ._

**Loki: **_No one has to know._

**Steve: **_. . . _

**Steve: **_Fine, you win. I'll be there in five minutes._

**Loki: **_I eagerly await your arrival._

**Steve: **_Waaaait a second._

**Steve: **_Did you even pay for that thong?_

**Loki: **_. . ._

**Loki: **_It is like I said before._

**Loki: **_No one has to know._

_xxXXXxx_

**A/N Frostshield because it's a semi-OTP of mine XD**

**Come to think of it, so is FrostIron. And Thorki. And Clintasha . . . ship ALL the things!**


	16. Chapter 16

**A/N I got a request from JDLuvaSQEE for FrostHawk, which I've never written before so please let me down gently if you absolutely hate it :D I know Clint's logic is a bit confusing but eh.**

**Um, warning, non-con implied/mentioned, so this one is probably one of the least humorous out of all of them. I didn't say humourLESS just less humour than usual. But that doesn't change the fact that I want you to review, please.**

**Chapter Nananananananananana Sixteen, Six-teen (Batman style oh yeah)**

**Tony: **_So, Clint, what was being mind-controlled like?_

**Clint: **_Um, I don't particularly want to talk about._

**Tony: **_Oh, I understand. I was just curious._

**Tony: **_. . ._

**Tony: **_According to Natasha, you told her that it was like someone else in your mind controlling you while you had to just sit back and watch._

**Clint: **_Ok, alright, I'll tell you._

**Clint: **_Firstly, I was fully aware of what I was doing. I remember what I did and said, but it's one of those things where you think, "why would I do that?" Like shooting Nick Fury without hesitation at Loki's command. I knew I was shooting Nick Fury, but it felt like I was acting on an impulse, and yeah, like I was just sitting back and watching._

**Clint: **_Not a pleasant feeling let me tell you._

**Tony: **_No wonder you still don't trust Loki._

**Clint: **_He's only been on our side for six months! He's been on the dark side all his life. I'm going to need some more proof before I trust him._

**Clint: **_You know what, I'm never going to trust him._

**Tony: **_He doesn't have the ability to mind control you anymore, Clint._

**Clint: **_That's not what I'm worried about . . . _

**Tony: **_Really? What else has Loki done?_

**Tony: **_Clint?_

**Tony: **_Ok, good talk then._

**Tony: **_Um, talk to you later I guess._

_xxXXXxx_

**Loki: **_Why hello there, archer._

**Clint: **_What do you want Loki?_

**Loki: **_Oh, I don't think you really want an answer to that question._

**Loki: **_But I'm sure you can imagine what I want right now, what I have always wanted since I lost it six months ago._

**Clint: **_. . ._

**Natasha: **_Are you talking about the Tesseract by any chance?_

**Loki: **_. . . sure. If that's what you'd like to believe._

**Clint: **_She knows, Loki._

**Loki: **_I'm sure she does._

**Loki: **_. . ._

**Loki: **_Knows what?_

**Natasha: **_That while you were mind controlling Clint, you forced him to sleep with you. No wonder he's so wary of you still, I don't trust you either after learning that you did that to a friend of mine._

**Loki: **_Oh, is that what he told you?_

**Clint: **_Oooh muffins. I like muffins. Do you guys like muffins? Let's go get some muffins._

**Thor: **_Muffins? They are substantial enough._

**Clint: **_You can get Pop-Tarts if you want._

**Thor: **_Oh, please do not say those words. I have eaten enough of those for another century. The thought of them makes me ill._

**Clint: **_Wow Thor not liking Pop-Tarts? What has this world come to!_

**Natasha: **_That's what I want to know. Loki, how could you?_

**Loki: **_Oh we are still on that subject, are we? I thought that Barton's abrupt change in subject was successful._

**Clint: **_Loki, I need to talk to you in private._

**Natasha: **_Clint, are you crazy? Don't put yourself in situations where you are alone with him. _

**Thor: **_Loki? What is she talking about?_

**Loki: **_Something that she does not know the whole truth about, and therefore should not be talking about it at all._

**Natasha: **_The whole truth . . . Clint, was there something else?_

**Clint: **_. . . _

**Clint: **_Um . . ._

**Clint: **_. . . no, I don't think so._

**Loki: **_Lies. I guess I am rubbing off on you, aren't I?_

**Steve: **_Avengers assemble. Oh, except for Clint and Loki. You too aren't needed._

**Clint: **_Ok._

**Natasha: **_No, it's not. We can't leave Loki alone with Clint._

**Steve: **_Why not?_

**Clint: **_IT'S FINE. JUST LEAVE IT. You guys go and have fun. _

**Natasha: **_Clint . . ._

**Clint: **_Nat, I can take care of myself, you know that. Just trust me._

**Natasha: **_It's not you who I distrust._

**Clint: **_Please Nat? We'll talk later._

**Natasha: **_Ok, but no funny business Loki._

**Natasha: **_If you make Clint do something he doesn't want to, Jarvis will alert me straight up. Got it?_

**Loki: **_Yes. But Clint _not_ wanting to do what I want him to will not be an issue. _

**Clint: **_MUFFINS EVERYBODY LOVES MUFFINS_

**Steve: **_Ok . . . glad that's sorted. Thor, Natasha, with me. Bye Clint._

_xxXXXxx_

**Loki: **_So . . . I see that you have not come to terms with what happened six months ago?_

**Clint: **_You mean, what you mind controlled me to do. _

**Loki: **_You are only lying to yourself, Barton._

**Loki: **_I made a mistake that could have proven fatal, but ended up being more satisfying than taking over any world. When I momentarily lost control of your mind, and we started talking, I expected it was part of your plan to relate to me, to gain my trust, and then slay me._

**Loki: **_Ehehehehehe but you proved me wrong and I have never been more grateful for that._

**Clint: **_Shut up shut up shut up._

**Loki: **_Is it so shaming to have fraternised with the enemy?_

**Clint: **_It is if everyone believes you forced me to when in reality . . ._

**Loki: **_When in reality you longed for my touch as much as I long for yours, now?_

**Clint: **_. . . _

**Clint: **_When you said "I'm sure you can imagine what I want right now, what I have always wanted since I lost it six months ago." That was control over my mind, wasn't it?_

**Loki: **_At first, yes. But now, I realise it was less about control over you, I wanted – want – you regardless of if I have your consent or not. _

**Loki: **_Considering that when we slept together, it was of your own free will, I know now that no control over you is necessary, and that fact compounded with the fact that you are only just out of my reach pains me deeply._

**Clint: **_We can't be together._

**Loki: **_And why is that?_

**Clint: **_Because . . . you're you. _

**Loki: **_And we are on the same side. Unlike our first physical bonding session. What other pathetic excuses can you come up with?_

**Clint: **_I don't like you how you like me._

**Loki: **_Are you sure about that?_

**Clint: **_Yes_

**Loki: **_Why don't we put that to the test?_

**Clint: **_Why don't we not?_

**Loki: **_What are you afraid of, mortal?_

**Clint: **_Truthfully, the others finding out that we slept together not because you forced me to but because I like you._

**Clint: **_*liked you._

**Clint: **_Back then._

**Clint: **_Not now._

**Loki: **_Hmmm if you let me try to prove you wrong, I won't say a word to the others about how you had complete control of your mind when we slept together._

**Clint: **_And if I don't, you'll tell them, won't you? Blackmail, I see. But sure, go ahead and try to sway my feelings. _

**Loki: **_If I read that correctly, I have your consent._

**Clint: **_. . . yes. _

**Clint: **_What am I getting myself into._

_xxXXXxx_

**Tony: **_Um, Natasha, we kind of have a situation back home._

**Natasha: **_Loki?!  
_

**Tony: **_Yup._

**Natasha: **_Crap. Lock him up and throw away the key – I TOLD Clint not to be alone with him but he assured me he'd be ok._

**Tony: **_And he is. They both are. They're um, better than ok actually._

**Natasha: **_What are you talking about?_

**Tony: **_They're a couple now._

**Natasha: **_WHAT?! But Loki raped Clint! _

**Tony: **_WHAT?! When?_

**Natasha: **_When he was mind controlling him before he joined our side!_

**Tony: **_Well, I guess he's . . . forgiven Loki? Or maybe he actually liked it._

**Natasha: **_Don't even say that._

**Natasha: **_But . . . if that's the case, and he realised he likes Loki (um WHAT) then I guess, ok, I can live with that._

**Clint: **_Well that's a relief. Sorry for worrying you, Nat, but I really do like Loki._

**Loki: **_I told you so, Clint, you were only lying to yourself._

**Loki: **_Well, and everyone else except me._

**Natasha: **_I still don't trust you Loki._

**Loki: **_But I am courting one of your friends._

**Natasha: **_Exactly._

**Clint: **_Loki, don't worry. Nat's just watching my back. _

**Natasha: **_And if you, Loki, stab Clint in the back be sure I'll rip your balls of and stuff them down your throat._

**Loki: **_You threaten the beau of one of your dearest friends?_

**Clint: **_It shows she cares._

**Clint: **_About me._

**Clint: **_She hates you, but that's ok. More for me :D_

**Thor: **_Clint, are you and my brother happy together?_

**Clint: **_Yes, verrrry happy, why?_

**Thor: **_Then congratulations, and I give you my blessing._

**Thor: **_I am glad we can all get past Loki's past mistakes._

**Loki: **_Except the spider. She has not forgiven._

**Natasha: **_I'm your secret admirer Loki._

**Natasha: **_Admirer as in hater._

**Natasha: **_And it's no secret._

**Loki: **_If you were not a dear friend of Clint's, I would inflict pain upon you that would leave you begging me for death –_

**Clint: **_So yeah, we never got muffins, who wants muffins still? I'll get Tony to get some muffins so then we can all have muffins and be friends._

**Natasha: **_Fine, I'll put up for Loki for your sake Clint._

**Loki: **_Likewise. _

**Loki: **_Because I am sure Natasha's hatred for me is rooted to jealousy._

**Natasha: **_CLINT HAND ME THAT MUFFIN_

_xxXXXxx_

**A/N Do you like muffins? Yeah we like muffins! Sing with me! **

**. . . or not. **

**Still taking requests – will always be taking requests for this story, actually. Feel free to leave a prompt.**

**Or maybe I'm just mind-controlling you into BELIEVING you have a choice in the matter. **

**Ehehehehehe  
**

**No but really. Review. You have to. You. Yes, you. Do it. Now.**

**. . . please?**


	17. Chapter 17

**A/N I love you all! THANKYOU FOR THE REVIEWS! On average I get five reviews for each chapter, which is pretty cool. And thanks to:**

**NinjaCookieXD**

**Rubellite Game**

**Phoenix's Moon - for some new ideas. I appreciate it. Even though I don't particularly like Darcy, she will make an appearance.**

**And remember guys, new universe, new parings each chapter unless I say otherwise, and this one is . . . well, FrostHawk if you squint.  
**

**This chapter contains Mpreg.**

**Chapter Seventeen**

**Steve: **_Tony, what did you do to my phone? My "apps" are all over the place._

**Tony: **_I upgraded it. I told you that._

**Steve: **_Are you sure? It's harder to use than it was before._

**Tony: **_Ok by updated I meant gave you the latest Stark phone and transferred all your stuff from your old phone to the new one._

**Steve: **_You replaced my phone and didn't tell me?_

**Tony: **_You're welcome._

**Darcy: **_Yo, guys._

**Tony: **_Um, who are you?_

**Darcy: **_Darcy Lewis? Friend of Jane, you know Jane right? Thor's gf?_

**Steve: **_Yeah, we've heard about her. It's nice to meet you._

**Darcy: **_OMG you're Captain America. Hi Captain America ;)_

**Tony: **_And Iron Man. I'm Iron Man, in case you forgot._

**Darcy: **_No I didn't. From what Jane told me from what Thor told her, Steve is Thor's favourite, and well, he's mine too._

**Steve: **_Oh, thankyou :)_

**Tony: **_You're kidding! I wish I'd known that before I gave Thor that new phone._

**Steve: **_Um, Tony, did you tell Thor you gave him a whole new phone or did you call it an "upgrade?"_

**Tony: **_Same difference, really._

**Darcy: **_What phones do you guys have?_

**Tony: **_Duh, latest Stark phone. And so does Steve. Best phone ever._

**Darcy: **_Puh-lease._

**Tony: **_Excuse me? I made it myself; I don't see you making your own phone for your own brand of technology._

**Darcy: **_Whatevs. The iPhone 5 is THE best phone._

**Tony: **_Pfft, yeah, sure. _

**Tony: **_Tell her, Steve._

**Steve: **_?_

**Tony: **_That our phones are the best._

**Steve: **_Actually . . . I'm not quite sure how to use this latest version of yours because everything but the texting is complicated. I'm scared to open the other apps._

**Darcy: **_Sorry, Stark, but less is more._

**Tony: **_In your case anyway._

**Darcy: **_iPhone 5's are the best, admit it Stark._

**Tony: **_Actually_

**Tony: **_No_

**Tony: **_They are not_

**Thor: **_My friends, I see you have met lady Darcy!_

**Tony: **_Lady? Are we talking about the same Darcy here?_

**Darcy: **_Thor, Tony's being mean._

**Thor: **_I hope that you are merely teasing, rather than being truthful._

**Tony: **_Yeah, you're right, she's joking. About the fact that iPhone 5's are better than my latest Starkphone, I mean excuse me what_

**Steve: **_Does it really matter? I think we should all just be grateful we can contact each other, no matter where we are._

**Thor: **_Yes, Steven is correct, for this Midgardian technology is allowing me to reach you from Asgard._

**Darcy: **_No kidding?_

**Tony: **_Thor what phone are you using?_

**Thor: **_The one you upgraded, your latest Starkphone._

**Tony: **_. . . _

**Tony: **_Suck it, Lewis._

**Darcy: **_. . . _

**Darcy: **_This is going on Facebook._

**Darcy: **_Status update: Tony Stark told me to suck it. Jealous?_

**Tony: **_. . . _

**Steve: **_. . ._

**Darcy: **_Well, nice meeting y'all. Hopefully I'll get to see you in person next time :) xx_

**Thor: **_It is great to see that you are both getting along with Jane's best friend._

**Tony: **_But she . . . she . . ._

**Steve: **_She's nice. I like her. _

**Tony: **_I guess._

**Tony: **_But Thor seriously_

**Tony: **_You have reception in Asgard?_

_xxXXXxx_

**Tony: **_So, just met Darcy Lewis. She was mean to me._

**Clint: **_Oh boo hoo._

**Clint: **_Do you know what I've had to put up with all day?!_

**Tony: **_Nope_

**Clint: **_"Clint, my back hurts", "Clint, I need to pee are you done in there yet?", "Clint get me some marshmallows NOW."_

**Tony: **_Wow Natasha sure sounds like she's giving you a hard time._

**Clint: **_No, Loki. Fucking MALE Loki who is PREGNANT somehow and keeps throwing stuff at me if I don't get him marshmallows quick enough. _

**Loki: **_Clint!_

**Clint: **_Tony help._

**Loki: **_I crave marshmallows._

**Loki: **_Get me some._

**Tony: **_Um, bad news Loks, we ran out._

**Loki: **_I didn't ask if we've ran out, I said GET ME SOME MARSHMALLOWS._

**Clint: **_We don't HAVE any!_

**Loki: **_Enough of your pathetic excuses, you either bring me those squishy substances of deliciousness or you give me a foot massage._

**Clint: **_. . . Tony you're coming home soon right?_

**Tony: **_. . . not anymore._

**Clint: **_Please get some marshmallows on your way home, 'k? That way neither of us has to give Loki a foot massage._

**Loki: **_Clint, I need to pee._

**Clint: **_Didn't you go like half an hour ago?_

**Loki: **_I need your assistance._

**Tony: **_Ew what_

**Loki: **_I am stuck on the sofa. _

**Clint: **_Hahaha omg really?_

**Loki: **_I am nearly nine months pregnant, my ankles are swollen, my back hurts, I've peed forty-two times today and you dare to LAUGH at me?!_

**Clint: **_Ok, hold your horses I'm on my way._

**Tony: **_And I'll pick up the marshmallows on the way home. See ya soon._

_xxXXXxx_

**Loki: **_CLINT!_

**Clint: **_I'm working, VERY important now what do you want?_

**Loki: **_Come home and make me some tea._

**Clint: **_Steve's at home, ask him!_

**Loki: **_Steve is in the gym, two floors below. You expect me to go down there in my state?_

**Clint: **_What, you haven't left the tower in nine months? Suck it up._

**Loki: **_. . ._

**Clint: **_Loki? Um, I didn't mean it that way._

**Loki: **_. . . _

**Clint: **_If you're plotting my death, that's understandable, but Fury might get mad if you kill me._

**Loki: **_. . . you will pay dearly for that comment once this babe is born._

**Natasha: **_It's not a horse, is it?_

**Clint: **_HeyNatthanksfortakinghimoffmyhandshavefunbyenow_

**Loki: **_What do you mean?_

**Natasha: **_Your baby, it's not a horse is it? Because I read this one myth where you gave birth to a horse._

**Loki: **_Lies. And this baby is human. Well, hybrid, as I am a Frost Giant._

**Loki: **_. . . hello?_

**Loki: **_. . . mortal?_

**Loki: **_. . . Clint?_

**Loki: **_. . . you dare abandon one who is with child? _

**Loki: **_I see how it is. Just you wait._

_xxXXXxx_

**Loki: **_CLINT!_

**Loki: **_I've gone into labour!_

**Clint: **_GET YOUR OWN GODDAMN MARSHMALLOWS!  
_

**Clint: **_I'm sorry what?!_

**Loki: **_I. Am. In. Labour! _

**Clint: **_I'm in the middle of a mission! What do you want me to do?_

**Loki: **_Come home and take me to the hospital._

**Clint: **_Uh, yeah, mission, like I said. Ask someone else!_

**Loki: **_Thor! I am in labour!_

**Thor: **_Odin's beard! Are you really?!_

**Loki: **_No, I lied, I'm not even pregnant._

**Thor: **_. . . _

**Loki: **_OF COURSE I'M REALLY GOING INTO LABOUR YOU BUFFOON_

**Loki: **_Now do as I say and come home and get me to a hospital!_

**Thor: **_I am in the middle of a mission!_

**Loki: **_Well who ISN'T in the middle of a mission?!_

**Thor: **_. . . Director Fury?_

**Loki: **_Director, I am in labour, get me to a hospital!_

**Nick Fury: **_Aw hell no._

**Nick Fury: **_Coulson, this is your mission – take Loki to hospital._

**Phil Coulson: **_What's wrong? Is he dying?_

**Loki: **_Feels like it!_

**Phil Coulson: **_Did someone spear him through the middle? Did someone put him in a coma for 24 weeks?_

**Loki: **_I said I was sorry!_

**Loki: **_I am in labour! _

**Phil Coulson: **_Um, you're *sczzzk* breaking up *sczzzk* I guess I'll talk to you *sczzzk* later. _

**Loki: **_I see through your lies, Coulson, for we are talking via text not phone!_

**Loki: **_IT BURNS_

**Phil Coulson: **_Ok, ok, ok. I've never given birth before, what do we do? Fury, you have to deal with this!_

**Nick Fury: **_Aw hell no._

**Steve: **_For Goodness sake, man up, all of you._

**Steve: **_Loki, I'm on my way. Hang in there. Jarvis is there for you too, if you need to know anything._

**Loki: **_Oh Steve, my hero._

**Loki: **_Unlike the rest of you selfish bastards._

**Tony: **_I resent that comment._

**Loki: **_I am about to GIVE BIRTH so go jump off the BiFrost Stark!  
_

**Tony: **_. . . wow. _

**Loki: **_THE PAIN! Get it out, get it out!_

**Tony: **_And this is why we love kids._

**Phil Coulson: **_Ok, Loki, Steve is almost there. _

**Loki: **_He's not going to make it! Asgardians give birth in half the time the average mortal does!_

**Phil Coulson: **_Can't you hold it in?_

**Loki: **_. . . _

**Loki: **_CAN I HOLD IT IN?_

**Phil Coulson: **_Well, can you?_

**Loki: **_For some reason I DIDN'T THINK OF THAT._

**Loki: **_INSIPID MORTAL._

**Steve: **_Wow, ok, wow guys he's serious. I won't get him to the hospital in time._

**Tony: **_It's been nice knowing you, Steve._

**Thor: **_Never fear, Steven, for I am about to arrive and I will aid you in helping my brother give birth!_

**Tony: **_The visuals . . . excuse me while I barf in my helmet._

**Phil Coulson: **_Well, good luck guys. Nick Fury, if you're feeling as traumatised as I am why don't we go get some Shawarma?_

**Nick Fury: **_Aw hell yes._

**Tony: **_Ooh Shawarma! I'm so there._

**Nick Fury: **_Aw hell no._

_xxXXXxx_

**A/N Tee-hee Nick Fury should say "aw hell no" more in the Avengers, because it is funny, but oh well. Oh my gosh! I just realised that that could be classed as racist, but it's not, it's just that that phrase goes perfectly with Nick Fury's personality and character. I'm sure you agree. Well, I hope so anyway. **


	18. Chapter 18

**A/N Yep, that's right, two chapter updates in one day, even though this one is short. I wasn't kidding when I said that the more you review, the quicker I update, especially when you give me ideas. Talking of which, thanks to NinjaCookieXD for this one and for AAderpette for being my unofficial beta reader for this chapter and the last.**

**Pairings: Loki gets around, basically.**

**Chapter EIGHTEEN! Whoop!**

**Tony: **_Wow I had THE best weekend ever._

**Clint: **_God, tell me about it. Ehehehehehe._

**Steve: **_Why are you laughing like Loki?_

**Clint: **_Loki nothing_

**Clint: **_What are you accusing me of?!_

**Steve: **_Um, I wasn't. But now I'm suspicious._

**Clint: **_HowwasyourweekendSteve?_

**Steve: **_. . . well, you guys told me it's about time I got laid, and well, I was hanging out with someone and one thing led to another . . . _

**Thor: **_Congratulations friend Steve! Who is the maiden you speak of?_

**Steve: **_Oh, he's no maiden._

**Tony: **_He? Wow, didn't know you swung for my team._

**Clint: **_Wait, Tony, you're gay?_

**Tony: **_No, bi. _

**Tony: **_Anyway, what's his name, Steve?_

**Steve: **_You all know him._

**Tony: **_COULSON? Because that's actually hot._

**Steve: **_Um, Loki._

**Tony: **_Yeah, Loki's hot too._

**Tony: **_. . ._

**Tony: **_. . . *dies*_

**Clint: **_WHAT_

**Thor: **_LOKI?! _

**Loki: **_Yes?_

**Clint: **_YOU SLEPT WITH STEVE! _

**Clint: **_How COULD you! You told me you loved me!_

**Tony: **_Hang on, he did what? Loki, did you forget all about our kinky sex that one night?_

**Loki: **_No. Nor did I forget the kinky sex I had with Clint the next night._

**Steve: **_! _

**Steve: **_Loki, you were my first and the whole time you were actually cheating on Tony with me, and cheating on me with Clint?_

**Thor: **_And cheating on Clint with me?!_

**Tony: **_Holy Jesus, what?_

**Clint: **_OMG Loki who DIDN'T you fuck last weekend?_

**Loki: **_I only slept with you, Tony, Steve and Thor, who is my adoptive brother and therefore does not count as incest._

**Tony: **_Well, whatever helps you sleep at night. Or with each other._

**Thor: **_I am quite shocked to hear that you have been courting three other men, Loki._

**Tony: **_Are you kidding? I'm shocked that Loki has been sleeping with four guys in two days and I only had sex once! Excuse me not fair I thought I was the playboy._

**Loki: **_And still as part of my response to your question, Clint, I "fucked" Natasha and Pepper and Maria Hill the weekend before._

**Tony: **_Pepper's my ex-girlfriend!_

**Clint: **_Do they know about everyone else?_

**Loki: **_Mmmm, no. But I suspect that because now that you all know, they will find out soon enough._

**Loki: **_Hopefully after this weekend, for I have plans with Phil and I do not wish for them to foil my plans._

**Steve: **_Ok, here's a better question, what's up with sleeping with everyone?_

**Loki: **_I do what I want._

**Steve: **_. . . but . . ._

**Tony: **_Eh, leave it Steve. Loki's great in bed, just be thankful for that._

**Steve: **_I suppose, but I'm not overly comfortable with . . . hang on, Loki, did you use protection each time?_

**Loki: **_So sensible, Rogers, and yes, I did. _

**Tony: **_So, Loki has slept with Natasha, Pepper, Maria Hill, Steve, Thor, Clint and me, and is probably going to end up fucking Phil Coulson this weekend. _

**Tony: **_Well, this is awkward._

**Tony: **_. . . _

**Tony: **_Could be worse though._

**Clint: **_How could this be any worse?_

**Tony: **_Duh, Loki could have had sex with Nick Fury._

**Clint: **_. . . _

**Steve: **_. . ._

**Thor: **_. . ._

**Loki: **_. . ._

**Nick Fury: **_Aw hell no_


	19. Chapter 19

**A/N OOHH ALMOST 100 REVIEWS GUYS! Thankyou to all those who have read my story, faved it, are following it, and have reviewed. Who's going to be the 100****th**** reviewer? I'd like to say I'd do something really special (Uh . . . platonically, of course) for the 100****th**** reviewer, but the best thing I can offer is a mention in the next chapter's author's note. **

**Thanks to Serialkiller13 for inspiration and um, things have escalated and this fic was born and this ship is disturbing and while you all read, I'm going to hand myself in to the mental asylum.**

**PS remember, new ships, new situations?**

**Chapter Nineteen**

**Nick Fury: **_Thor where is your brother?_

**Thor: **_He appears to be asleep in his room, director. May I ask why?_

**Nick Fury: **_Tell him to get to S.H.I.E.L.D_

**Nick Fury: **_No, you know what, that's going to take too long. I need him now._

**Nick Fury: **_I'll be there shortly._

**Thor: **_Loki, Fury is going to visit you soon._

**Loki: **_You woke me up Thor :(_

**Loki: **_And did he say why? I haven't done anything, I swear._

**Thor: **_He has need of you._

**Loki: **_Ew, Thor visuals._

**Thor: **_. . . . Odin's beard I did not mean it that way._

**Nick Fury: **_Loki! _

**Loki: **_Um, yes Fury?_

**Nick Fury: **_Get your tight little ass ready for me I'm almost at the Stark tower._

**Loki: **_EXCUSE ME MORTAL_

**Thor: **_How DARE you speak to my brother that way?_

**Nick Fury: **_Because I'm Nick Fury, bitch._

**Nick Fury: **_And I want to fuck Loki so bad right now._

**Loki: **_WHY? Besides from the obvious, aka my dashing good looks._

**Nick Fury: **_I have no idea. I drank what I thought was my glass of water back at HQ and then I was suddenly wanting to fuck you, Loki._

**Loki: **_. . . Odin's beard._

**Loki: **_I do believe you have taken a concoction I made up that was . . . not meant for you. It is a strong, lust potion._

**Loki: **_It was meant for Stark._

**Nick Fury: **_He can join; I don't care, as long as I get to ravish your body Loki. See you soon xxx_

**Thor: **_. . . when does the potion wear off?_

**Loki: **_. . . it will not wear off until . . . until he has defiled me. I made it that way, for Stark. I never dreamed the director . . ._

**Thor: **_As your older brother and a warrior, I'll volunteer to take your place._

**Loki: **_It doesn't work like that. _I_ made the drink so whoever drinks it has to sleep with _me _for them to return to normal._

**Thor: **_Can we not simply keep Nick Fury locked out of the tower?_

**Loki: **_And have me a prisoner in my own home? The desire to sleep with me has taken control of his mind, and has become his top priority. He will not rest nor do anything else until . . . we have copulated._

**Thor: **_I will not allow this to happen._

**Loki: **_If I do not let him now, he will only take me by force later on._

**Thor: **_. . ._

**Thor: **_And that is something I never want to read about again._

**Thor: **_But surely you cannot use your magic to undo this?_

**Loki: **_I could turn him into a frog, but he is an important person and I cannot leave him as a frog forever, now can I?_

**Loki: **_I must do this, Thor._

**Thor: **_. . . _

**Thor: **_I understand._

_xxXXXxx_

**Tony: **_Ok so seriously what is up with all the noises coming from Loki's room?_

**Thor: **_Loki inadvertently drugged Nick Fury with a strong lust potion, meant for you, and now Loki is currently . . . copulating with him so that the potion will wear off._

**Tony: **_. . . there are so many things wrong with that sentence._

**Tony: **_Firstly, Nick Fury and Loki are sleeping together? THAT'S what those noises are? Oh Holy Hell I will never sleep again at night. _

**Tony: **_And secondly, Loki meant to drug me with his lust potion?_

**Thor: **_Yes, and because it backfired I believe he will learn from the wrongness of forcing someone to love you._

**Tony: **_I mean, he could have just asked. I've liked him for a while now._

**Tony: **_BUT HE'S FUCKING NICK FURY_

**Tony: **_EWW GET IT OUT OF MY HEAD GET IT OUT_

**Thor: **_I too am not overly comfortable with this at all, but it is what Loki must do as a price for his trick._

**Tony: **_So you could say that Nick Fury is punishing him?_

**Tony: **_. . ._

**Tony: **_OH MY GOD NO PLEASE WHY _

**Loki: **_Well hello there Tony._

**Tony: **_. . . Thor told me what you . . . what happened and . . . so . . . how . . . are you?_

**Loki: **_Very satisfied, and much in love, actually._

**Thor: **_Say what now_

**Tony: **_With who?_

**Nick Fury: **_Me of course. Even though it was the lust potion doing all that, I actually had fun. _

**Nick Fury: **_So Loki and I are a thing now, 'k guys?_

**Tony: **_Um, NO not ok. Loki I thought you liked me?_

**Loki: **_Well, yes, but we haven't had kinky lust potion sex._

**Loki: **_Yet._

**Tony: **_I was going to say that I like you . . . but I cannot put my mouth where Nick Fury has put his. This is now my life motto._

**Thor: **_As long as you are happy, brother, then I am happy._

**Thor: **_But I am leaving this realm, as I am too disturbed. I am going back to Asgard for a while._

**Loki: **_Will you tell father of my new relationship?_

**Thor: **_. . . I do not want to utter the words out loud, but if it is what you wish, then I shall._

**Loki: **_Thankyou, Thor, although I doubt father will care._

**Thor: **_He will, and I shall tell you of his reaction._

**Thor: **_Farewell, all. _

**Tony: **_Take me with you_

**Tony: **_I don't want to live on this planet anymore_

**Tony: **_Don't leave me-ee-ee!_

_xxXXXxx_

**Thor: **_Father, I have told you of Nick Fury, have I not?_

**Odin: **_Yes, another important and intimidating man who coincidentally wears an eye-patch?_

**Thor: **_And you know of Loki, do you not?_

**Odin: **_Yes, as he is my son . . . _

**Thor: **_Well, Loki and Fury have copulated._

**Odin: **_. . ._

**Thor: **_Father?_

**Odin: **_This is your mother, Thor._

**Odin: **_Your father has fainted._

**Odin: **_I fear it is the Odin sleep._

_xxXXXxx_

**Loki: **_So, Thor, how did it go with our father?_

**Thor: **_I told him of your copulation with Fury._

**Loki: **_He took it well, I presume?_

**Thor: **_. . ._

**Thor: **_He is in Odin sleep._

**Loki: **_. . . _

**Loki: **_And what was mother's reaction?_

**Thor: **_She didn't react._

**Thor: **_I believe she is used to these things by now._

**Loki: **_. . . I see. Ehehehehehe._

**Thor: **_What is so funny? I thought you would be insulted at our father's reaction._

**Loki: **_Oh please, I am glad. Call it revenge._

**Loki: **_I knew he wouldn't approve._

**Thor: **_Loki you are acting like a teenager rebelling against your parents._

**Loki: **_And I did not mate with a horse and give birth to one to save Asgard._

**Loki: **_I did it to make Odin feel uncomfortable._

**Thor: **_. . ._

**Loki: **_And that one time I slept with Heimdall in the BiFrost was also an act of rebellion._

**Thor: **_I did not know of this! You slept with Heimdall?_

**Nick Fury: **_Who slept with Heimdall?_

**Nick Fury: **_. . . who's Heimdall?_

**Loki: **_Asgard's gatekeeper, to sum it up. Do not be jealous, _I_ slept with him._

**Nick Fury: **_Eh, that's cool. We could have a threesome maybe :D_

**Loki: **_. . ._

**Thor: **_Loki you cannot be considering this!_

**Thor: **_Copulating with both Fury and Heimdall at the same time will surely push father over the edge!_

**Loki: **_. . . oh Heimdallllll_

**Loki: **_Open the BiFrost, I have a friend I want you to meet._

**Loki: **_Mwahahahaha_

**Loki: **_Ahem, I mean_

**Loki: **_Ehehehehehe_

_xxXXXxx_

**A/N Ok so the original idea was to have just Nick Fury/Loki but then it became a Nick Fury/Loki/Heimdall threesome and I'm typing this with my chin because they put me in a straitjacket because I am a danger to myself and others, i.e. I will emotionally scar everyone. Just be grateful that this is a text fic, not an actual story fic. Thank gawd.**


	20. Chapter 20

**A/N Big, HUMONGOUS thanks to Great Mystery for structuring the plot of this chapter and for a whole heap of lines that I have used. Hugs and kisses for you, unless you're not an overly affectionate person, in which case you can have basic warm fuzzies instead.**

**And the 100****th**** reviewer is . . . *drum roll* . . . who is the 100****th**** reviewer? Oh right – Phoenix's Moon! *Loud applause* Hugs, kisses, cookies AND warm fuzzies for you! Not to mention that I am still eternally grateful for everyone else's reviews, faves, and follows.**

**And because you're all so fabulous I needn't prompt you to review ehehehe.**

**Allow me to explain this chapter (no spoilers, promise): Loki has a kid, but this is unrelated to one of the previous chapters where he was pregnant, and you can make up your own mind about the mother . . . father? And Jarvis is a physical robot and things happen. See? No spoilers, well . . .**

**Pairings: Stony, Clintasha, Nick/Loki (Lury? Noki? Lick?) because for some reason you sick people like this ship . . . me included . . . and these chapters get increasingly random as time goes on . . .**

**Chapter Twenty – Steve's Shield Accident**

**Tony: **_What are your plans for this weekend, Thor?_

**Thor: **_Loki is getting me more Pop Tarts._

**Tony: **_That's nice._

**Tony: **_Steve and I are going bowling, well, I'm planning on asking him soon._

**Thor: **_What is this "bowling" you speak of?_

**Tony: **_A classic game. One that Steve has yet to beat me at, which I doubt since I hold the record._

**Thor: **_And that is?_

**Tony: **_The highest score there is, a perfect 300._

**Thor: **_This game sounds delightful. May I join you?  
_

**Tony: **_Sorry big guy, but it's supposed to be a date._

**Thor: **_Then we can make it a double date! I'll invite my brother!_

**Loki: **_I have a baby Thor. I cannot simply skip off whenever you want me to. He has kept me up two days straight now and you think I can conjure up the energy to play a pointless Midgardian game?_

**Thor: **_Well, when you put it like that . . ._

**Thor: **_Could you not just leave the child in Jarvis's hands and come bowling?_

**Thor: **_Friend Stark, how does one "bowl"?_

**Tony: **_You try to knock down ten pins without crossing a line._

**Thor: **_Is Mjolnir allowed?_

**Tony: **_. . . no. You knock the pins down with a heavy ball._

**Loki: **_Sounds meaningless and something suited for pathetic mortals but despite this I will join you in this game and have Jarvis babysit, although I am not too trusting in leaving my precious offspring in the hands of a machine._

**Thor: **_Your child shall be fine brother._

**Tony: **_Talking of which – where are Steve and Jarvis?_

* * *

**Tony:** _Clint!_

**Tony: **_CLINT!_

**Tony: **_!_

**Clint: **_What is SO important that you had to wake me up from the best dream ever Tony?!_

**Natasha: **_Dream, Clint?_

**Clint: **_Oh wait . . . never mind._

**Clint: **_You were saying, Tony?_

**Tony: **_We can't find Jarvis or Steve._

**Clint: **_And that's my problem how?_

**Tony: **_He's your captain._

**Clint: **_I heard you scream the opposite last night ;)_

**Tony: **_I know I call him _my _captain more often than not, but I'm talking outside the bedroom, in terms of being the leader of the Avengers._

**Clint: **_. . ._

**Clint: **_Once again you are not supposed to confirm my dirty jokes because you give me a bad case of TMI._

**Natasha: **_Have to agree with Clint on that one._

**Tony: **_Oh, you're still here?_

**Natasha: **_. . . I was actually about to offer you some advice, but you know what, forget it._

**Natasha: **_I'm going back to sleep._

**Tony: **_No wait sorry if you can help please do!_

**Tony: **_Nat?_

**Tony: **_:(_

**Loki: **_If you are looking for your captain and your robot, look in Steve's bedchamber. I heard strange noises emitting from there._

**Loki: **_Ehehehe_

**Tony: **_You make it sound like my boyfriend is making love to my robot . . ._

**Clint: **_Stop jumping to conclusions. It's giving me bad visuals._

**Loki: **_Actually, I think that your captain was crying._

**Tony: **_Crying? My man? Doesn't sound good. Talk to you guys later, I'm gonna check it out._

* * *

**Steve: **_Oh my gosh guys. I'm sorry – I did something cruel and unspeakable. I didn't mean for you to find out this way._

**Clint: **_I can't believe you did that Steve. How could you?_

**Tony: **_And here I was about to ask you to go bowling._

**Steve: **_Bowling? Even after I killed Jarvis . . ._

**Tony: **_Please, stop. I built that robot myself and I can't believe you killed him with your shield!_

**Tony: **_You are no longer allowed to say his name until I have fixed him. What happened exactly anyway?_

**Steve: **_Remember how I told you I have strong, negative feelings toward all this new technology sometimes?_

**Tony: **_. . . yeah?_

**Steve: **_I got majorly ticked off and accidentally took those negative feelings out on . . . your robot. Accidentally! I didn't mean to actually HIT him!_

**Clint: **_Fury isn't going to like this._

**Nick Fury: **_Like what?_

**Tony: **_Steve broke Jarvis._

**Tony: **_:(_

**Nick Fury: **_Aw hell no_

**Steve: **_I'm sorry, Tony!_

**Tony: **_Unless you're going to apologise in the form of a blowjob, don't bother apologising._

**Nick Fury: **_I never needed to read that. TMI_

**Clint: **_He seems to have had a few of those moments already today. Anyway goodnight take . . . three?_

**Tony: **_It's almost nine in the morning . . . what are you still doing in bed?_

**Tony: **_What is Natasha still doing in bed?_

**Tony: **_*processing* . . . you guys are in the same bed right now, aren't you._

**Clint: **_. . . zzzZZ_

**Tony: **_Right, well you'll all be glad to know that I'm going to fix Jarvis._

**Tony: **_No thanks to Steve :/_

**Steve: **_Tony I really am sorry! I feel so guilty._

**Tony: **_Remember, Steve, no blowjob, no forgiving._

**Nick Fury: **_Aw __hell no._

* * *

**Tony: **_Jarvis is officially up and running!_

**Tony: **_He forgives Steve, but has made him promise not to use the shield in the house. Frisbees are also banned._

**Natasha: **_Tony, stop texting my boyfriend and leave us alone just for one moment, all right?_

**Tony: **_. . . _

**Clint: **_Nat, we were going to talk about it before we talked to the team, remember?_

**Natasha: **_I just want them to stop bugging us, no offense guys, because we had great sex last night and now all I want to do is sleep in with Clint. Is that so much to ask?_

**Natasha: **_Is it?_

**Tony: **_. . . No ma'am._

**Natasha: **_Right, well then. We'll probably see you guys at lunch._

**Tony: **_Actually, you probably won't._

**Tony: **_We're going bowling. Steve gave me an apology blowjob, which led to us having make up sex so we're all good now. Loks grab Thor and let's go!_

***Later that night***

**Clint: **_So how was bowling?_

**Tony: **_I never knew there was a score above 300 but Thor beat it._

**Tony: **_You should have seen the crowd._

**Thor: **_I had the Midgardian civilian's chanting "Asgard! Asgard!"_

**Thor: **_It was only fun until Fury showed up and took Loki away, with their arms wrapped around each other. I was left dateless :(_

**Steve: **_And there was that cute blonde girl._

**Tony: **_Steve, no._

**Steve: **_But you used to like me picking out people we could have a threesome with :/_

**Tony: **_Hold on, do you mean the waitress you saved when Loki tried to take over the world?_

**Steve: **_Yeah . . . she remembered me and I got her number._

**Tony: **_Yay for Steve! Let's just hope that she won't have a problem with having a threesome with two bisexual, amazingly hot guys who also happen to be the rich and famous Captain America and Iron Man . . ._

**Steve: **_. . ._

**Steve: **_I don't think she'll have a problem with that. At all._

**Clint: **_Wow. Okie-dokie then._

**Clint: **_Did you guys forget to invite Banner?_

**Bruce: **_Invite me where?_

**Clint: **_Bowling._

**Bruce: **_. . . I never get to go anywhere._

**Tony: **_We'll invite you next time, Brucey._

**Bruce: **_I find that name alteration diminishing, Tony._

**Tony: **_I can't help making fun of you. You're shorter than _me_!_

**Bruce: **_Yeah? Well . . . you sleep with a nightlight._

**Tony: **_It's called an arc reactor and it's kind of necessary to my survival._

**Tony: **_And since when is this about me?_

**Steve: **_I like his arc reactor. Especially in the dark, it's beautiful._

**Tony: **_. . . _

**Bruce: **_. . . _

**Bruce: **_My vacation only lasted a month, what have I missed here?_

**Tony: **_Allow moi to explain._

**Tony: **_Steve and I are going out. Loki I'm pretty sure is banging Nick Fury, and I think Thor feels a bit dejected about this, and Natasha is going out with Clint. _

**Tony: **_. . . _

**Tony: **_Bruce = forever alone._

**Bruce: **_Asdfghjkl_

**Nick Fury: **_Is Bruce hulking out?_

**Tony: **_Yeah, and he wonders why we don't invite him anywhere besides Shawarma._

**Nick Fury: **_. . . And you wonder why Coulson comes down with a migraine after only ten minutes of a debriefing session with you._

**Tony: **_No, actually, right now I'm wondering if Thor is super jealous of you and Loki._

**Tony: **_And somewhere in the back of my mind is this voice going, Steve! Steve! Steve! _

**Steve: **_You called?_

**Tony: **_Huh, that's cool._

**Tony: **_Come here, boy._

**Steve: **_Are you talking to me like I'm a dog?_

**Tony: **_Here Stevie, Stevie, Stevie._

**Steve: **_. . . _

**Tony: **_Does doggy want to play with Tony? ;)_

**Steve: **_. . . _

**Tony: **_I won't get mad if you lick me . . ._

**Steve: **_. . . _

**Tony: **_You can lick me all you want ;)_

**Steve: **_. . . _

**Steve: **_Woof._

**Nick Fury: **_I've said it many times before and I'll say it again._

**Nick Fury: **_Aw_

**Nick Fury: **_Hell_

**Nick Fury: **_No_

xxXXXxx

**A/N I won't be updating this for a while . . . unless I get prompts because I am stuck for ideas. Want to help me out? . . . guys? . . . hello?**


	21. Chapter 21

**A/N Haha, your reviews made me smile, and they light up my life like nobody else the way that you smile like that leaves me overwhelmed . . . whoops sorry just got carried away.**

**Dear "Guest" – firstly, thankyou for your reviews, and secondly, here are the answers to your hundreds of questions:**

**1. Loki's child can be called . . . Flutterbottom. Sorry, just an inside joke I have going on with AAderpette.**

**2. How did he get pregnant? Well, when two people love each other, strong urges occur and . . . he is a shapeshitfing, gender-changing God, it was bound to happen :P Unless that was a typo and you meant to put "who got him pregnant" in which case . . . Nick. Fury. (Nick Fury: Aw hell no)**

**3. No, sorry, there isn't enough Bucky to go around. Come back when we have more in stock – haha, kidding, I'll take your idea on board. Except for Darcy – unless she gets severely injured and/or dies. But that's mean so maybe I should stay away from writing Darcy.**

**So I'm going with NinjaCookieXD's idea, of a kinky-sounding Science Bros chapter because I think someone else mentioned that there should be more Bruce. I'm sorry, I usually pick favourites aka Tony and Steve, but I will try to include the others more often from now.**

**Dear AAderpette, I do like hugs, just not from random guys named "Adam" who we meet at an ice skating rink. A high five will always suffice.**

**So, the pairings are: Science Bros, Thorki and Agent Hawk (I'm pretty sure I just made that ship name up).**

**And thanks to Great Mystery, for giving me a leg up over the big wall that is writer's block.**

**Chapter Twenty-One**

**Tony: **_Soooo I've got this issue, can I talk to you about it?_

**Clint: **_. . . does it involve blowing things up, breaking things, or doing things that will result in Fury having a coronary?_

**Tony: **_Um, yes to the second one._

**Clint: **_. . ._

**Tony: **_Well, nothing's been broken _yet_ but the way things are going, it might happen._

**Clint: **_Eh, just spill it._

**Tony: **_Ok, so Bruce and I have started sleeping together._

**Clint: **_And that's an issue because . . .?_

**Tony: **_"Started" as in Bruce nearly Hulked out and THAT would have hurt, lemme tell you, so we stopped and he calmed down but now we have a problem._

**Clint: **_. . . I'm still failing to see what the problem is exactly . . ._

**Tony: **_I'm going to be blunt with you._

**Tony: **_Bruce and I can't have sex. Because when we try to, his heart races and he starts Hulking out. It's some natural survival instinct thing but I'm trying to figure out how to stop it from happening._

**Clint: **_Well have you asked Bruce? He _is_ the expert on this, after all._

**Tony: **_Yeah . . . that is a good point. Slightly unrelated – I wonder if shower sex is the answer . . ._

**Clint: **_Talk to _Bruce_ about it not _me_!_

**Tony: **_Oh please you love it ;)_

**Clint: **_Um _no_ I do not appreciate you talking dirty to me._

**Clint: **_Phil on the other hand . . . _

**Tony: **_Yeahhhh goodbye_

**Clint: **_Yep, bye, have fun, going now to . . . do things . . . with . . . someone._

**Tony: **_Me too . . ._

**Tony: **_As in talk. With Bruce._

**Clint: **_Exactly what I meant._

**Clint: **_As in "talk". With Phil._

**Tony: **_. . ._

**Clint: **_. . ._

**Thor: **_Before you leave to copulate with your lovers, I have a question._

**Tony: **_Please, I can _try_ to copulate with Bruce but it's not going to end well, as I was telling Clint, but moving on._

**Thor: **_I have a question that I moustache you._

**Clint: **_. . . _

**Tony: **_Moustache? Is that a typo?_

**Thor: **_Although, I have to mullet over._

**Clint: **_No, I think Thor has developed a liking of lame jokes._

**Thor: **_So I shall shave it for later._

**Thor: **_Hahaha :D_

**Thor: **_Behold, for I am amused!_

**Clint: **_Yeahhh going now._

**Thor: **_But truthfully, I do have a question of great importance!_

**Tony: **_I'm still here, you can ask me._

**Thor: **_Loki wanders off every now and again and he does not reveal where he goes each day. I am curious as to what he gets up to, but as he does not share anything with _me_ I thought perhaps _you'd_ know where he goes?_

**Tony: **_No idea. Honestly, I don't even notice when he comes and goes._

**Tony: **_His phone has a tracker in it though. I can get Jarvis to tell you his whereabouts._

**Thor: **_No, but thankyou. I shall do this my way and investigate by following my brother. He is getting ready to leave, I shall talk to you later._

**Tony: **_Alright, um, good luck._

* * *

**Thor: **_Hello, brother, what are your plans for today?_

**Loki: **_None of your business. How are things back at the tower?_

**Thor: **_Most excellent for I am currently eating Pop Tarts._

**Loki: **_. . . you cannot lie to the Liesmith, Thor. I think we both know what you are really doing._

**Thor: **_Ok, I must admit I am on the toilet!_

**Loki: **_Wrong again._

**Loki: **_Are you not trailing me at this precise moment?_

**Thor: **_Whatever do you mean?_

**Loki: **_. . . _

**Loki: **_Why are you following me, brother?_

**Thor: **_I am not_

**Loki: **_Yes, so if I were to turn around I would not bump into the tall, blonde man who is wearing a . . . sombrero? Really, Thor?_

**Thor: **_Nooooo_

**Thor: **_But if it were I, I might be wearing a sombrero as a disguise, but this is not the case as I am at the tower. _

**Loki: **_I'm looking at you right now._

**Thor: **_It isn't me._

**Loki: **_*teleports*_

**Thor: **_Where did you go? Lokkiii_

**Thor: **_Loki?_

**Thor: **_Loki please_

**Loki: **_I didn't go anywhere_

**Thor: **_Yes you did! I saw you!_

**Loki: **_Thus proving that you are stalking me._

**Thor: **_I am not _stalking_ you._

**Loki: **_O relly? And why are you wearing such a ridiculous Midgardian head garment?_

**Thor: **_I must confess . . . 'tis my disguise._

**Loki: **_So you also admit to following me?_

**Thor: **_. . . yes._

**Loki: **_Why?_

**Thor: **_Because you are being secretive and I'd like to know where you are going._

**Loki: **_Like I have told you before, it really is none of your concern._

**Loki: **_But to satisfy your curiosity, for that will surely convince you to stop follow me, I am meeting someone._

**Thor: **_. . . Who?_

**Loki: **_A friend._

**Thor: **_What friend?_

**Loki: **_My friend._

**Thor: **_But you have none._

**Loki: **_. . ._

**Loki: **_I am meeting a friend of mine that you do not know about because my life does not revolve around you and you are not entitled to know about every single aspect of my social life._

**Thor: **_I understand._

**Loki: **_So will you go home?_

**Thor: **_Aha! The tables have turned!_

**Loki: **_. . .?_

**Thor: **_No longer am I begging you to come home, instead you are begging _me_ to go home!_

**Loki: **_. . . *teleports*_

**Thor: **_. . ._

**Loki: **_*teleports*_

**Thor: **_Brother! Why did you just steal from me my disguise?_

**Loki: **_To burn it, for it is hideous_

**Thor: **_:(_

**Loki: **_I kid, brother, I have actually deposited your . . . hat, in your room back at the tower._

**Loki: **_I will be late if you do not go home._

**Thor: **_Just tell me . . . is it someone I know? That the Avengers know? Of what species is your friend?_

**Loki: **_. . . my answer to all of the above is 5._

**Thor: **_Lokkiii_

**Loki: **_You are insufferable._

**Loki: **_And holding me up. So I must bid you goodbye. Do not follow me further or there will be consequences._

**Thor: **_What kind of consequences? Like a punishment?_

**Loki: **_I suppose_

**Thor: **_The good kind?_

**Loki: **_No, not the good kind_

**Loki: **_Consequences that include a certain tower disappearing_

**Thor: **_You're going to destroy the tower?_

**Loki: **_Unless you promise not to follow me_

**Thor: **_I promise, just do not destroy the tower_

**Thor: **_The others won't be too happy with me_

**Thor: **_And it is where I keep my Pop-Tarts . . ._

**Loki: **_Good day, Thor *rolls eyes*_

**Thor: **_Fine, brother, I shall go home now._

* * *

**Thor: **_My investigation failed._

**Tony: **_Disguise didn't work, I'm guessing?_

**Thor: **_Indeed not_

**Thor: **_Please, friend Stark, do what you suggested before – track his phone._

**Loki: **_Insufferable._

**Thor: **_Loki!_

**Loki: **_When I made you promise to stop following me, that meant in all forms._

**Tony: **_Lover's quarrel . . . I'll leave now._

**Tony: **_Bruce and I have worked . . . our issue out. Well, we have a theory. So I'm going to go help him test out . . . that theory . . . _

**Tony: **_*leaves*_

**Thor: **_Brother, believe me when I say that I am truly sorry for aggravating you._

**Loki: **_Fine, it doesn't matter if you track my phone or not. I am very good at not letting people find or catch me._

**Phil: **_Has anyone seen Nick Fury?_

**Loki: **_. . . why are you asking us?_

**Phil: **_Because I've asked everyone else. _

**Clint: **_Including the people at S.H.I.E.L.D, but we can't find him, it's like he's disappeared._

**Phil: **_Or is up to something top secret._

**Phil: **_But I need to speak with him. It's urgent._

**Clint: **_Is it really that urgent? Come back to bed Phil. Take some time off work. Relax._

**Phil: **_Tempting, but Nick Fury has never just vanished like this before._

**Loki: **_*sigh* I must confess_

**Loki: **_I am on my way to meet a friend, and that friend is your director._

**Loki: **_Now can everybody stop pestering me so Nick and I can start having sexual relations?_

**Phil: **_. . ._

**Clint: **_. . ._

**Thor: **_. . ._

**Loki: **_That's what I thought. I will see you all tomorrow, perhaps._

**Thor: **_. . . _

**Phil: **_I will never be able to look at Fury in the same way again._

**Thor: **_. . . _

**Clint: **_Well, that was a complete turn-off._

**Thor: **_. . . _

**Phil: **_Pity, I was about to say that given the circumstance, I'm sure Fury will barely notice if I have a few hours off work._

**Thor: **_. . ._

**Clint: **_Only a few hours?_

**Thor: **_. . ._

**Phil: **_I'll be at the tower in ten. Don't go anywhere, ok? Be a good boy for daddy._

**Thor: **_. . . _

**Phil: **_Until I get there, that is._

**Thor: **_. . ._

**Clint: **_Well, that was a complete turn-on_

**Thor: **_. . . _

**Tony: **_WOW_

**Thor: **_. . ._

**Tony: **_Our theory didn't exactly work, Bruce still Hulked out, but that was ok._

**Thor: **_. . ._

**Tony: **_It was BETTER than ok! It was freaking amazing! _

**Thor: **_. . ._

**Tony: **_My. Lord._

**Thor: **_. . ._

**Bruce: **_Tony, as flattered as I am, I'm sure that Thor does not need to hear about our sex life._

**Thor: **_. . ._

**Bruce: **_Thor . . . are you ok?_

**Thor: **_. . . I understand . . . what you mortals mean by "visuals" . . ._

**Tony: **_Totally hot visuals, right?_

**Thor: **_. . . visuals of you and Hulk only disturbed me further . . . for I originally imagined my brother and director Fury . . ._

**Thor: **_. . . and then Clint and Phil_

**Thor: **_. . . and now I feel . . . violated . . ._

**Bruce: **_Crap, please don't tell me we've traumatised Thor!_

**Tony: **_Sounds like someone is in need of IKT_

**Thor: **_. . . what is this, IKT?_

**Tony: **_Intense Kitten Therapy._

**Thor: **_And how does one receive intense kitten therapy?_

**Tony: **_Hold on, I'll send you some pics._

**Tony: **_[PXT]_

**Tony: **_[PXT]_

**Tony: **_[PXT]_

**Tony: **_[PXT]_

**Tony: **_[PXT]_

**Thor: **_. . . nawwwww these kittens are delightful!_

**Thor: **_Oooohh look that one is frolicking in the flowers!_

**Thor: **_How adorable these creatures are! That one is merely sitting in a cup larger than itself!_

**Tony: **_My work here is done._

**Bruce: **_But seriously, "intense kitten therapy"? I love you Tony._

**Tony: **_Aw, love you too Brucey ;)_

**Thor: **_I MUST HAVE THESE KITTENS_

**Thor: **_GET ME SOME KITTENS_

**Tony: **_Um, intense kitten therapy overload._

**Thor: **_KITTENS!_

* * *

**A/N Review = Thor gets kittens.**

**Don't review = Thor watches kittens being thrown out the window.**


	22. Chapter 22

**A/N So . . . I went to Supernova yesterday . . . it's the Australian equivalent of Comic-Con . . . I had a few minor heart attacks . . . as well as photos with Natasha Romanoff and Loki! Cosplay, but still, their outfits were awesome! I'm going to cosplay as Captain America next year. I CANNOT wait for next year, but I'm in a dilemma because this time next year I'll be halfway through year eleven! And that's a scary thought . . . I think I'll just randomly dress up as Cap and go out somewhere . . . IT WAS SO MUCH FUN OH MY GOD! **

**And getting photos with Loki/Natasha wasn't even the best part, neither was losing AAderpette like ten minutes into the thing, but getting photos with someone dressed as Captain Hook from Once Upon A Time was my fave part! He just looked so much like him, and his girlfriend or sister or whoever was dressed as Belle, but now I am in love with that guy . . . **

**Oh, oh, oh! I got like this Captain America clip/bow thing it is adorable and this poster of cartoon Loki with a thing above him saying, "I do what I want". It's also adorable (and it cost me 15 bucks but was probably among the cheapest stuff there).**

**Sorry for rambling, I'm just so passionate . . . if you have a chance to go to Comic-Con or whatever it's called wherever you are, do not hesitate to go! Homework be damned! . . . ok, I'm starting to breathe a little more easily now . . . **

**Thankyou to Rubellite Game, NinjaCookieXD, fanficchica123, JDLuvaSQEE, and Solon for your ideas. And I'm still accepting requests.**

**Chapter Twenty-Two **

**Pepper: **_Tony, don't forget that the X-Men are coming over later._

**Tony: **_Right, and why are you reminding me again?_

**Pepper: **_Because Rhodey and I won't be back from our honeymoon until a few hours after the X-Men are supposed to arrive._

**Pepper: **_So you'll all be alone with the X-Men, and I want you to promise you'll be responsible._

**Tony: **_I promise._

**Pepper: **_. . . ok. And you have to be on your best behaviour, especially . . . all of you._

**Tony: **_Best behaviour, got it._

**Pepper: **_. . . ok. Rhodey and I both hope that we won't find the tower destroyed or damaged in any way when we get back later tonight._

**Tony: **_I hope you won't either._

**Pepper: **_Tony -.-_

**Tony: **_Love you Pep, see you and Rhodey later :D_

**Tony: **_So guys, Pepper says to behave because the X-Men are coming over later this afternoon and Pep and Rhodey don't get back until later tonight._

**Clint: **_Yeah, I know. So does Bruce. You forgot, I'm guessing?_

**Tony: **_Shhhh_

**Tony: **_Wait, where are you and Bruce anyway?_

**Clint: **_Out. For lunch. Don't worry, we'll be back before the X-Men arrive._

**Tony: **_Come home soon?_

**Clint: **_Aw, you miss me?_

**Tony: **_I'm alone with Loki :(_

**Clint: **_. . . well I feel loved._

**Clint: **_Wait, where's Steve then?_

**Tony: **_On a mission with Nat. So it's just Loki and I . . . all alone . . . in the tower . . ._

**Clint: **_Sucks to be you :P_

**Tony: **_We're watching a movie and he keeps trying to snuggle up against me . . . Clint, help!_

**Clint: **_Sorry, Bruce is back from the toilet. Got to go._

**Tony: **_Cllllliiiiinnnntttt_

**Tony: **_:(_

xxXXXxx

**Tony: **_Loki where is my coffee?_

**Tony: **_Loki, my coffee_

**Tony: **_Where is it_

**Loki: **_I drank it!_

**Tony: **_Why would you do such a thing?_

**Loki: **_Loki'd!_

**Tony: **_. . ._

**Tony: **_Eh, I'll just go make another one :P_

**Loki: **_Fine_

**Tony: **_. . ._

**Tony: **_Where is the coffee_

**Tony: **_Why is there glitter in my coffee machines?_

**Loki: **_Loki'd!_

**Tony: **_I hate you_

xxXXXxx

**Tony: **_Ok, emergency._

**Bruce: **_What's up?_

**Tony: **_You and Clint aren't back yet, so I'm still home alone with Loki, who keeps "Loki'd-ing" me, the X-Men were supposed to get here an hour ago and most importantly, Loki keeps turning my coffee to glitter!_

**Bruce: **_. . . well, uh, Clint and I were . . . busy, and we kind of lost track of time . . ._

**Bruce: **_But the X-Men really aren't there yet?_

**Tony: **_No!_

**Tony: **_. . . do you think Pepper's going to blame me for this?_

**Wolverine: **_Um, this is Logan Howlett, is this Tony Stark?_

**Tony: **_Yeah! Hi! Where are you guys?_

**Wolverine: **_Hi. Yeah, long story._

**Wolverine: **_Here's the gist of it – our plane was high jacked and then it crashed and now we're stranded on a deserted island._

**Tony: **_Oh crap, really? _

**Tony: **_Bruce, do you think you and Clint could rescue them in a Quinjet?_

**Bruce: **_We don't have one. We'll have to go to S.H.I.E.L.D first._

**Bruce: **_Why don't you alert them? They'll get to the X-Men quicker._

**Tony: **_Ok, yeah I'll do that. _

**Tony: **_Sorry, Wolvie, I'll get someone to rescue you. Hang in there._

**Wolverine: **_Ok, Tiny-Tony, we'll be waiting ;)_

**Tony: **_Oh I like you already ;)_

**Steve: **_Oooh sounds kinky._

**Tony: **_. . . Steve? _

**Steve: **_Hey babe, hope you didn't miss me too much._

**Tony: **_This is Steve, right?_

**Steve: **_'Course. You know, the guy who licked your dick this morning? _

**Steve: **_Me._

**Wolverine: **_This . . . is Steve Rogers?_

**Steve: **_Why hallo thar ;)_

**Steve: **_I have a question for you._

**Wolverine: **_. . ._

**Steve: **_How do you scratch your balls when your claws are out? I mean, ouch._

**Tony: **_Steve, what's gotten into you?_

**Steve: **_Who do you think ;)_

**Steve: **_So, Wolverine, what are you wearing?_

**Wolverine: **_Um, clothes?_

**Steve: **_Oh, right. I'm not, too mainstream._

**Steve: **_Tony, Wolverine, join me. Become nudists._

**Tony: **_Who is this really?_

**Steve: **_Fine, Tony, be a spoilsport._

**Steve: **_Guess it's just you and me, Wolverine._

**Steve: **_Woof ;)_

**Wolverine: **_You wanna shut the hell up before I claw your eyes out?_

**Steve: **_Oooh feisty_

**Steve: **_I like that_

**Tony: **_Ok, Wolverine, Steve is not normally like this._

**Tony: **_He is never like this_

**Wolverine: **_He's making me mad_

**Steve: **_Really? I'm sorry._

**Steve: **_And yet not really._

**Steve: **_I mean, imagine the hate sex! _

**Wolverine: **_. . ._

**Tony: **_Ok "Steve" I've got Jarvis to trace the phone you're using, and while he was doing that I called up Natasha Romanoff, who said that she and Steve are at S.H.I.E.L.D, but that's not where Steve's phone is._

**Tony: **_Care to explain?_

**Steve: **_OK! Fine._

**Steve: **_It's me, Spiderman._

**Wolverine: **_Is it really or are you still messing with us?_

**Steve: **_It's really me, Peter Parker._

**Steve: **_I got a hold of Captain America's phone and thought it'd be fun to mess with you guys._

**Tony: **_Wow, someone's still a little bitter about not being on the Avengers._

**Steve: **_. . ._

**Tony: **_And how did you get a hold of Steve's phone anyway?_

**Steve: **_He dropped it while he was battling this villain. I'd heard of the villain and since nobody invited _me_ to the Avengers, I went solo and went to take out the villain myself._

**Steve: **_And then I found Steve's phone so I let Steve and Natasha Romanoff defeat the bad guy, you know, just this once._

**Tony: **_Right . . . can you please give Steve's phone back?_

**Steve: **_Maybe. What's in it for me?_

**Wolverine: **_I don't claw your eyes out?_

**Steve: **_Fair enough. No hard feelings, guys?_

**Tony: **_Fine. Just return the phone._

**Tony: **_Really sorry about that, Wolverine. Steve is actually a really, really amazing guy._

**Wolverine: **_You don't sound besotted or anything._

**Tony: **_Well . . . let's just say that I don't know how he knew, but Spiderman was right when he implied that Steve sucked my dick this morning . . . _

**Wolverine: **_O . . . k . . . then._

**Tony: **_You're not comfortable with two guys, are you?_

**Wolverine: **_No, I am. Just surprised that every second male superhero I meet is gay._

**Wolverine: **_I mean, I'm gay for Cyclops. He likes this chic called Jean, but we still make-out sometimes. _

**Tony: **_And Cyclops is coming over too, isn't he?_

**Wolverine: **_Yeah, him, Storm, Charles, Frost, Kitty Pryde, and me. _

**Wolverine: **_Well, we'll be over once someone comes to pick us up._

**Tony: **_Oh right, sorry. I'll just quickly text Steve._

**Tony: **_Steve, this you?_

**Steve: **_Yep, Spiderman explained everything. _

**Tony: **_Ok, cool. On your way home can you and Nat take a Quinjet out to rescue the X-Men? Their plane got high jacked then crashed on a deserted island. I'll text you the location once you're in the air._

**Steve: **_Will do._

**Steve: **_I'll see you later._

**Tony: **_Can't wait ;) _

xxXXXxx

**Pepper: **_Tony, we're almost home._

**Tony: **_. . ._

**Pepper: **_Tony?_

**Tony: **_Oh, yeah, hi, that's . . . great. Um . . ._

**Pepper: **_. . . what's happened?_

**Tony: **_. . ._

**Pepper: **_Oh my god, why is the tower covered in freaking GLITTER?_

**Tony: **_Loki's fault, not mine._

**Pepper: **_I want an explanation._

**Tony: **_Ok . . ._

**Tony: **_The X-Men were stranded on a deserted island and Steve was actually Spiderman, while Clint and Bruce had sex at lunch and got home late, which sucked because Loki took my coffee and then everyone arrived home and Loki pranked them and his final prank was to stick glitter on the outside of the tower using his magic._

**Pepper: **_. . . all I got from that was that you really belong in a mental asylum._

**Pepper: **_As for the glitter, clean it up._

**Tony: **_But LOKI did it!_

**Pepper: **_Both of you clean it up._

**Tony: **_But why do I have to help too? _

**Pepper: **_Because._

**Pepper: **_I blame you for this._


	23. Chapter 23

**A/N Thanks to Great Mystery for your wonderful idea. And thanks to everyone else for reviewing! 132 reviews! Be proud of yourselves!**

**And pairings are: Stony, Clintasha, (implied) Hulkeye, and FrostEye (thankyou to Phoenix's Moon for this Loki/Nick ship name)**

**Anything you guys want to see? I'm open to all ideas, seriously, ALL.**

**Chapter Twenty-Three**

**Bruce: **_Have you seen Clint?_

**Tony: **_No, why Brucey?_

**Bruce: **_We've talked about this. Don't call me "Brucey"._

**Tony: **_Fine._

**Tony: **_Why do you need Clint, Hulky-kins?_

**Bruce: **_I'm not going to tell you now – not that I was going to before, anyway. It's top secret._

**Tony: **_Does it have to do with S.H.I.E.L.D?_

**Bruce: **_No . . ._

**Tony: **_Because that's what Clint just told me. One of you is lying._

**Bruce: **_Maybe. Or maybe we're talking about two different things._

**Tony: **_Hmmm. Bruce?_

**Bruce: **_Yes . . .?_

**Tony: **_I need something._

**Bruce: **_I don't know where you're going with this, but I hope it's not in the direction I'm thinking._

**Tony: **_What? Oh, no, I have Steve for that._

**Tony: **_I need answers._

**Bruce: **_Is this still about why I need Clint?_

**Tony: **_Well, that seems to be a touchy subject with you, so I'm gonna say no._

**Tony: **_I want to know where you've been for the past month._

**Bruce: **_In India, I thought you knew. _

**Tony: **_Nobody tells me anything these days!_

**Bruce: **_Well, is there anything else you'd like to know?_

**Tony: **_Yes._

**Tony: **_Why do you need Clint? What's the big secret? Are you guys eloping?_

**Bruce: **_No comment, no comment, and no, what?_

**Bruce: **_If you see Clint, just send him to the lab._

**Tony: **_Fine . . . I'll send him down to your lab._

**Tony: **_Have fun with your "top secret" project ;)_

**Bruce: **_That's not what . . . never mind._

**Tony: **_I'm just going to go ask Thor about it. HE can't keep a secret._

**Bruce: **_Exactly, so what makes you think he knows anything in the first place?_

**Tony: **_Good point . . . although, he may know more than we think._

**Tony: **_Catch you later, Brucey-kins._

**Bruce: **_Keep calm, Bruce, he's just messing around, keep calm._

**Tony: **_Sounds like someone needs a hug. Need a hug, Brucey?_

**Bruce: **_Go pester Thor!_

**Tony: **_*salutes* will do._

xxXXXxx

**Tony: **_Thor? Hey, buddy; do you know what Bruce and Clint are up to?_

**Thor: **_I know not._

**Tony: **_You . . . don't know._

**Thor: **_No, young Midgardian._

**Tony: **_When have you ever called me that?_

**Thor: **_. . . _

**Tony: **_Never, so you're acting suspiciously._

**Tony: **_You know something. What do you know, Thor?_

**Thor: **_I . . . I know not._

**Tony: **_Hmmm._

**Tony: **_Steve can't resist me. I'll go ask him. Later, Point Break._

**Thor: **_Farewell, young Midgardian!_

**Tony: **_. . . _

xxXXXxx

**Tony: **_Steeeeeeeve_

**Steve: **_What's wrong, Tony?_

**Tony: **_Bruce needs Clint for something and he won't tell me what it is because it's "top secret"._

**Steve: **_And . . . what do you want me to do?_

**Tony: **_Kiss me, you fool._

**Tony: **_Also play spy for me?_

**Steve: **_Play spy? What do you mean?_

**Steve: **_And you'll get those kisses later ;)_

**Tony: **_Can't wait ;)_

**Tony: **_I want you to infiltrate Bruce's lab._

**Steve: **_Bruce has asked me not to go down there. You'll have to find out some other way. But Tony, I really don't think you should pry into this._

**Tony: **_Ok, Stevie-kins, thanks for your help anyway._

**Steve: **_*rolls eyes* anything for you, Tony-Wony._

**Tony: **_. . . you'll keep, Captain Looks-Good-Even-In-A-Paper-Bag._

xxXXXxx

**Tony: **_Clint! CLINT!_

**Clint: **_Kinda busy right now, Tony._

**Tony: **_Fine – do I have to ask Jarvis what you're up to?_

**Clint: **_. . . he won't tell you anything. He's sworn to secrecy._

**Clint: **_By the way, have you seen Pepper or Nat? Bruce needs them too._

**Tony: **_Wow, you guys are having an orgy and you didn't invite me?_

**Clint: **_It's not an orgy . . ._

**Tony: **_Then I don't want to know._

**Clint: **_Then stop asking about it. Bruce and Thor told me you interrogated them._

**Tony: **_Kidding, I'm still curious. _

**Tony: **_Anyway, toodles!_

**Clint: **_Where are you going?_

**Tony: **_To ask Jarvis._

**Clint: **_I told you, he's sworn to secrecy._

**Tony: **_Clint, I am Jarvis's _creator_. I can easily programme him to tell me._

**Clint: **_Nope, because Bruce and I hacked in and encrypted our conversation._

**Tony: **_I'm sure I can take down your firewalls in about point-two seconds._

**Clint: **_I wouldn't try._

**Tony: **_I would. So, talk to you later._

xxXXXxx

**Tony: **_Jarvis?_

**Jarvis: **_Yes, master Stark?_

**Tony: **_I need to know what Clint, Bruce and Thor are up to._

**Jarvis: **_I cannot provide you with that information, sir. It is in your best interests that you do not find out before the specified time._

**Tony: **_Specified time? Interesting. And when is that?_

**Jarvis: **_Thor is going out to get more coffee._

**Tony: **_Completely off topic (or is it?) but I am still intrigued._

**Tony: **_Coffee, coffee, coffee! Tell Thor to wait for me!_

xxXXXxx

**Jarvis: **_Master Stark has left the premises. Commence the top-secret mission, Dr. Banner_

**Bruce: **_Thanks Jarvis. Steve, you ready?_

**Steve: **_Yeah, I'll be down there in a sec, just . . . setting something up. Are Natasha and Pepper coming?_

**Bruce: **_Yep, and Thor is too, although right now he's on distraction duty._

**Clint: **_Loki's coming too, right?_

**Bruce: **_Yeah, where are you exactly? We've only got about an hour or less until Tony comes back._

**Clint: **_I'm with Pep and Nat. We're going to be leaving StarkEnterprises in about ten minutes._

**Jarvis: **_Just so that you have more time, shall I instruct Thor to take Tony to Shawarma?_

**Bruce: **_Yes, anything to keep him out of the house._

***Later***

**Steve: **_Tony, I have a surprise for you._

**Tony: **_Is it a surprise as in why everyone's been so secretive all day surprise or is it a surprise as in a blowjob?_

**Steve: **_Um, the first one. _

**Tony: **_But there'll be plenty of time for the second one right_

**Tony: **_Right?_

**Steve: **_We'll see :)_

**Steve: **_Just come home, bring Thor of course, and head down to Bruce's lab. You'll find out why everyone's been so secretive._

**Tony: **_Awesome, *lots of kisses for Stevie-kins*_

**Steve: **_Oh stop, you're making me blush :)_

xxXXXxx

**Thor: **_Friend Tony and I, and Pop-Tarts, are home!_

**Bruce: **_Great, bring him on down to the lab._

**Tony: **_You sound like you're going to perform experiments on me or something . . ._

**Tony: **_Kinky, but I'm not sure Steve would like that idea, nor Clint._

**Bruce: **_Why Clint? Anyway, get your butts down here, Tony . . . I need your help with something. That's the big secret. I've asked everyone else for help, but they just have no clue about what I'm doing. _

**Tony: **_Then why do you need Thor as well?_

**Bruce: **_You could say he's a valuable asset to my project._

**Tony: **_Alright, coming down now, Thor's just putting his Pop-Tarts away._

xxXXXxx

**Bruce: **_He'll be here any second_

**Nat: **_Why are we texting again? We're in the same room, we could just talk._

**Clint: **_It's so Tony doesn't hear us._

**Nat: **_Seems like a waste of credit to me._

**Steve: **_We're the Avengers, we always seem to have a limitless amount of money._

**Nat: **_True. Oh, here he comes._

**Loki: **_Really? I don't hear – no, wait; I hear my brother's heavy footsteps._

**Nick Fury: **_Om guts grt reafu, hea zlmudt gete._

**Bruce: **_Pardon?_

**Nick Fury: **_Sorry, hard to text one handed._

**Natasha: **_Why are you texting one handed?_

**Loki: **_Because I was holding his other hand._

**Natasha: **_. . . right._

**Nick Fury: **_I meant to say, ok guys get ready, he's almost here._

**All: **_Surprise!_

**Tony: **_Whoa . . . a surprise party? What's the occasion?_

**Steve: **_It's our one-year anniversary of all of us living together, and that wouldn't have been made possible without you. Besides, we love you._

**Clint: **_Blech, speak for yourself, Steve._

**Tony: **_Aw, I love you guys. Especially you Steve. Not you, Clint._

**Clint: **_:P_

**Tony: **_I am actually quite surprised, because what I really expected was to find Clint and Bruce all tangled up, naked, in some kinky position. _

**Bruce: **_WHAT? Why would you expect THAT?_

**Tony: **_Because of all the secrecy around you needing Clint in your lab._

**Clint: **_It wasn't just ME that Bruce needed!_

**Tony: **_Yeah, but Bruce sounded like he was desperate. So, one thing lead to another and that is the theory I came up with._

**Clint: **_. . ._

**Clint: **_Now you're making me imagine things._

**Natasha: **_Anyway, moving on. _

**Loki: **_Wait, if this be a party, then where are the gifts?_

**Bruce: **_. . . we didn't actually plan gift giving._

**Tony: **_Aw, that's too bad._

**Steve: **_Not to worry, I have a present for you Tony._

**Steve: **_Meet me in our bedroom after the party?_

**Tony: **_Sure, only, I didn't get anything for you. Surprise party, and all._

**Tony: **_Speaking of which, what did you get me? Can you give me a clue?_

**Steve: **_. . . re-read my last text._

**Tony: **_. . ._

**Tony: **_Oh, so it's _that_ sort of present ;) _

**Thor: **_What sort of a present?_

**Steve: **_Um, a personal one._

**Tony: **_Blowjob. Well, I assume it's a blowjob. Steve, it better be a blowjob._

**Steve: **_If you really must know, it's a body-fondue session leading up to a blowjob._

**Tony: **_. . . cheese? Or chocolate?_

**Steve: **_Chocolate._

**Thor: **_I don't suppose I can partake in your fondue activity? It sounds most delicious._

**Steve: **_. . ._

**Tony: **_. . ._

**Clint: **_. . ._

**Bruce: **_. . ._

**Natasha: **_. . ._

**Loki: **_Brother, do you even know what they are talking about?_

**Thor: **_. . . fondue?_

**Nick Fury: **_He is so naïve. Did he not read Steve's text correctly?_

**Clint: **_I envy that, because I just imagined more things._

**Natasha: **_Sounds like someone needs kitten therapy. I'm just gonna duck upstairs and grab my laptop._

**Clint: **_Oh yeah, guys, did you know that Nat has kittens galore on her laptop?_

**Bruce: **_Now I do. _

**Tony: **_Do you guys know what's on my laptop?_

**Bruce: **_No, and don't tell me._

**Thor: **_No, what's on your laptop?_

**Tony: **_Mwahahaha, here, let me send you an example._

**Steve: **_Tony . . . I wouldn't._

**Tony: **_[PXT]_

**Thor: **_. . . what is this_

**Tony: **_Fondue_

**Thor: **_This is . . . FONDUE!_

**Thor: **_I HAVE CHANGED MY MIND._

**Thor: **_I WOULD NOT LIKE TO PARTICIPATE IN YOUR "FONDUE" ACTVITIES!  
_

**Natasha: **_Laptop is on charge, Clint get up here._

**Clint: **_Ok, and, Thor needs kitten therapy again._

**Thor: **_Wait . . . kittens?_

**Thor: **_You have my beloved kittens?_

**Bruce: **_Guys, what about the party?_

**Natasha: **_There are kittens on my laptop, Thor._

**Thor: **_The kittens are trapped inside your small glass screen?_

**Thor: **_With the mighty Mjölnir, I shall rescue these kittens!_

**Natasha: **_Bruce, help! Thor's going to smash my laptop!_

**Bruce: **_Fine, party postponed, guys. Brb._

**Steve: **_Is it . . . do you think it's unhealthy, the way Thor reacts to kittens?_

**Tony: **_Nah._

**Tony: **_At least we know what to get him for Christmas._

xxXXXxx

**A/N Review = Thor gets kittens for Christmas  
**

**Don't review = kittens witness Tony and Steve's fondue sessions.  
**

**Read but don't fave/follow/review = Loki makes Thor throw traumatised kittens out the window.**


	24. Chapter 24

**A/N Thanks for the reviews, guys! You made me so happy :D And thanks to oreoluvver for your request. Been sick for about two weeks now, so forgive me for not updating sooner. Let's all pray to Jeebus that I get better soon so I can actually have a social life before term three starts. At least I can now breathe properly. **

**Pairings: Clintasha, Tony/Oblivious!Steve**

**Chapter Twenty-Four**

**Clint: **_You're insecure_

**Natasha: **_Excuse me?_

**Clint: **_Don't know what for_

**Natasha: **_. . ._

**Clint: **_You're turning heads when you walk through the do-or-or_

**Natasha: **_Are you trying to serenade me with One-Direction? _

**Clint: **_Is it working?_

**Natasha: **_No._

**Clint: **_:(_

**Natasha: **_You don't need to try to woo me anyway . . . unless you've done something . . ._

**Clint: **_. . . _

**Natasha: **_What have you done?_

**Clint: **_Well, I set Bruce on fire._

**Natasha: **_You what?!_

**Clint: **_Oh, he's fine. It was an accident. But then he Hulked out._

**Clint: **_And then he threw me out of the tower but I wasn't hurt and I ran to S.H.I.E.L.D and now I'm hiding under Phil's desk._

**Clint: **_Pretty please come rescue me?_

**Natasha: **_You're at S.H.I.E.L.D, what do you need my help for?_

**Clint: **_Well, Hulk followed me to S.H.I.E.L.D and kinda pissed Fury and Coulson off._

**Clint: **_And then once Bruce calmed down he told them what happened, so now they're kinda pissed at me._

**Clint: **_Which brings us back to me hiding under Phil's desk because they're out looking for me._

**Natasha: **_You brought this on yourself, Clint._

**Clint: **_Natasha, babe, please._

**Natasha: **_. . . _

**Clint: **_Sweetheart . . ._

**Natasha: **_. . ._

**Clint: **_Baby . . ._

**Natasha: **_. . ._

**Clint: **_Oh, come on woman, get me out of here!_

**Natasha: **_. . ._

**Tony: **_Ooh he did not just say that._

**Clint: **_Nat, I'm sorry, I'm just freaking out._

**Natasha: **_. . ._

**Clint:**_ Fine, be mad at me later, Tony can you help me?_

**Tony: **_Why would I want to do that, after you blamed me for making Bruce hulk out?_

**Natasha: **_Clint, why would you blame Tony?_

**Clint: **_Well, see, I had to buy myself some time. And blaming Tony for things usually works._

**Tony: **_I resent that comment._

**Steve: **_Hey where is everyone? Got back to the tower and there's a gaping hole in the wall._

**Tony: **_Clint unleashed Hulk; Hulk retaliated, Clint now hiding under Coulson's desk._

**Steve: **_Thanks, Tony. Did you get that Phil?  
_

**Phil: **_Yep, we've got you now, Clint._

**Clint: **_Steve! Traitor!_

**Steve: **_I'm sorry Clint, but it's for the good of the country._

**Tony: **_You know what would be good for the country? If you slept with me._

**Steve: **_I don't see how that's in America's best interests._

**Tony: **_It's in my best interests._

**Steve: **_I still don't see how._

**Tony: **_How about a date then?_

**Steve: **_No thank you, I don't like dates, I prefer raisins._

**Tony: **_. . ._

**Clint: **_Screw you guys, I'm getting out of here._

**Phil: **_Clint, no, don't jump out the window!_

**Clint: **_For Asgard!_

**Natasha: **_That's Thor's line._

**Clint: **_. . ._

**Clint: **_Run like the wind, bullseye!_

**Tony: **_Isn't bullseye the name of that archer villain? You know, your nemesis or something? Besides, that's from Toy Story._

**Clint: **_. . ._

**Clint: **_Na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na hawk-eye, hawk-eye._

**Natasha: **_I give up. Let him go._

**Phil: **_We'll just catch you later, Clint._

**Clint: **_No you won't._

**Phil: **_Uh, yeah, we kinda know where you live exactly._

**Clint: **_No, you still can't catch me._

**Clint: **_Because I'm Batman._

**Tony: **_Hang on; Batman belongs to DC, not Marvel._

**Clint: **_Nobody says I can't reference superheroes from other franchises._

**Natasha: **_You can't reference superheroes from other franchises._

**Clint: **_Well damn._

**Clint: **_Hawkeye away!_

**Tony: **_I'm sure that's a reference, can't remember where it's from though._

**Tony: **_Now, onto more important matters._

**Tony: **_Steve._

**Steve: **_Yes?_

**Tony: **_Will you go out with me?_

**Steve: **_Go out where?_

**Tony: **_Anywhere you want._

**Steve: **_. . . I would like to try fondue._

**Tony: **_Oh, we can fondue all night baby ;)_

**Steve: **_All night? But won't we get tired?_

**Tony: **_Not with our stamina._

**Steve: **_Stamina? How much effort does fondue require exactly?_

**Tony: **_You'll find out tonight, won't you._

**Steve: **_Will I?  
_

**Natasha: **_This is too painful, so imma speak up now._

**Natasha: **_Steve, Tony is asking you on a date. He likes you._

**Steve: **_Aw, I like him too._

**Natasha: **_. . ._

**Steve: **_Wait, a date?_

**Tony: **_Yes! How about it?_

**Steve: **_I prefer raisins._

**Natasha: **_. . . that's it, I'm done._

**Steve: **_What did I say?_

**Tony: **_ifyouwanttogooutwithmesaywhat_

**Steve: **_What?_

**Tony: **_Wow didn't think that'd work over text. Whaddya know._

**Tony: **_So, Steve, can you imagine us ever having sex?_

**Steve: **_What? No!_

**Tony: **_. . . how about now? Can you imagine it now? You're imagining it right now, aren't you?_

**Steve: **_No . . . _

**Tony: **_Ehehehehehe._

**Steve: **_That's Loki's line._

**Tony: **_. . . _

**Tony: **_Shut up and kiss me, Steve._

**Steve: **_Excuse me?_

**Tony: **_Or not._

**Tony: **_Geez, how did you guys even woo people back in the olden days?_

**Steve: **_They're not the "olden days" thank you very much._

**Steve: **_But back in my day, we used to sing for the dames._

**Tony: **_. . ._

**Tony: **_You're insecure_

**Steve: **_. . ._

**Tony: **_Don't know what for_

**Steve: **_. . ._

**Tony: **_You're turning heads when you walk through the do-or-or_

**Steve: **_. . ._

**Tony: **_Yeah, that's all I got._

**Tony: **_Did you feel anything? Like, strong, lustful desire? An overwhelming sense of passion?_

**Steve: **_I feel something but it's probably just gas._

**Tony: **_. . . _

**Tony: **_I think I might go kill myself now._

**Steve: **_But it made me smile._

**Tony: **_Well, as long as I didn't give you gas._

**Steve: **_Haha, and you make me laugh._

**Tony: **_Yeah, that's something. Better than pissing you off all the time._

**Steve: **_I let myself give in when you bait me, so I'm partly to blame for our arguments._

**Tony: **_They're not all bad, though._

**Steve: **_How do you mean?_

**Tony: **_Imagine the hate sex._

**Steve: **_. . ._

**Tony: **_. . . how about now? Can you imagine it now? You're imagining it right now, aren't you?_

**Steve: **_Are _you_?_

**Tony: **_. . ._

**Tony: **_Duh._

**Steve: **_. . . oh._

**Steve: **_Me too . . ._

**Tony: **_So, Steve, do you want to be my boyfriend?_

**Steve: **_. . . you know what, I would like that._

**Tony: **_YES! In your face, Clint!_

**Clint: **_Why in my face?_

**Tony: **_I don't know, anyways where are you?_

**Clint: **_Pfft, I'm not falling for that, now that I know you're fraternising with a traitor._

**Clint: **_Speaking of which, can I ask you something?_

**Tony: **_No, apparently you can't talk to me since I'm fraternising with a traitor._

**Clint: **_. . . don't be childish._

**Clint: **_Steve, can I ask you something?_

**Steve: **_Sure._

**Clint: **_Who puts it in if you and Tony have sex?_

**Steve: **_Oh, uh, I've never thought about it . . ._

**Tony: **_Lies! _

**Tony: **_Obviously I would top._

**Clint: **_No, actually, makes more sense for Steve to be the man in your relationship, since he's bigger and stronger and more masculine._

**Tony: **_Well, gee, thanks._

**Tony: **_Who's the woman in your relationship then? ;)_

**Natasha: **_Tony, take that back or I'll make sure that you're definitely not the man in your relationship._

**Tony: **_Fine, let me rephrase._

**Steve: **_No, Tony, let's just move on. Trust me._

**Tony: **_Only if you promise . . . to kiss me._

**Steve: **_I promise._

**Tony: **_When I see you next._

**Steve: **_Ok._

**Tony: **_In front of everyone._

**Steve: **_Oh . . . I'm not sure that I'd be comfortable with that._

**Clint: **_You're insecure_

**Steve: **_. . ._

**Clint: **_Don't know what for_

**Natasha: **_For God's sake, shut up or you'll be sleeping on the couch tonight._

**Clint: **_Ooh sounds kinky._

**Tony: **_. . . no it doesn't._

**Clint: **_No, you're right._

**Clint: **_:(_

**xxXXXxx**

**A/N Wasn't sure if I should end it there or not, but I kind of ran out of ideas *hint hint***


	25. Chapter 25

**A/N This has been my fastest update ever . . . one FrostEye, coming right up. And thanks for the sympathy XD**

**Chapter Twenty-Five**

**Loki: **_Well hello there, puny mortals._

**Clint: **_Oh crap it's Loki._

**Natasha: **_I've alerted S.H.I.E.L.D._

**Tony: **_I've got a hit on Loki's location._

**Steve: **_Everyone suit up, you too Banner._

**Loki: **_. . ._

**Loki: **_I see there is no love lost between us all._

**Bruce: **_You're supposed to be locked up in a cell in Asgard._

**Thor: **_Yes, brother, where have you gone?_

**Loki: **_Duh, Midgard, we get crap reception on Asgard. _

**Loki: **_Oh, and I wanted to escape my imprisonment. So I did._

**Tony: **_Why?_

**Loki: **_Because I do what I want._

**Loki: **_And who._

**Loki: **_Your director should know that._

**Clint: **_. . . are you holding Director Fury hostage?_

**Loki: **_Hostage situation, that's an excellent idea._

**Tony: **_Nice job, Katniss. Stop giving Loki ideas, he might kidnap Fury and then make him his slave or something._

**Loki: **_Hmm, that is another good idea._

**Tony: **_. . . whoops._

**Nick Fury: **_What's going on here? Why are you all discussing kidnapping me?_

**Natasha: **_We're not . . . Loki's back. _

**Nick Fury: **_. . . _

**Loki: **_Miss me? xx_

**Nick Fury: **_. . . go to hell._

**Loki: **_I'll take that as a yes._

**Nick Fury: **_What's your motive?_

**Loki: **_Oh, just the usual._

**Loki: **_You will kneel before me._

**Loki: **_And while you're down there . . ._

**Natasha: **_Are you . . . hitting on Nick Fury?_

**Loki: **_Let's just say while I was in my cell on the Helicarrier and you weren't looking, Fury found out why they call me Silvertongue . . ._

**Tony: **_Ew, visuals._

**Clint: **_Fury, have you been fraternising with the enemy?_

**Nick Fury: **_. . . just a little._

**Steve: **_How scandalous!_

**Clint: **_You're compromised! You could get fired!_

**Clint: **_. . ._

**Clint: **_Sir?_

**Loki: **_Ehehehehehe I have kidnapped your precious Fury!_

**Tony: **_I blame Clint for this._

**Natasha: **_Give Fury back or I will rip off your balls and shove them down your throat._

**Loki: **_Actually, I already have Nick Fury's "balls" down my throat. _

**Tony: **_. . . I just threw up in my helmet . . ._

**Loki: **_If you want to see your director again, you will strip and parade through the streets._

**Tony: **_. . . we don't really need Fury, do we guys?_

**Bruce: **_Well, we have Coulson after all._

**Loki: **_Didn't I kill him?_

**Phil: **_No -.- Put me in a coma. And I woke up to this._

**Loki: **_Anyway, if you want your director, you shall parade naked in the streets. Small price to pay._

**Clint: **_Uh, yeah, no thanks._

**Steve: **_We have to rescue Fury!_

**Tony: **_Well, Steve, if you wanted to parade around naked I don't think anyone would complain._

**Steve: **_I mean there must be some other way to rescue him. _

**Loki: **_Nope, tis the only way._

**Tony: **_Why do you want to see us naked anyway?_

**Loki: **_Bah! I will not be . . . no, I'll be watching._

**Loki: **_Because I am Loki, King of Asgard, and I am burdened with glorious purpose._

**Thor: **_You are not King. Odin is king._

**Loki: **_. . ._

**Loki: **_*Rightful king of Asgard._

**Tony: **_But you lost your glow stick right?_

**Loki: **_It is a sceptre, and yes. _

**Loki: **_But what I possess is as glorious, if not as lengthy ;)_

**Thor: **_. . ._

**Tony: **_. . ._

**Clint: **_. . ._

**Natasha: **_. . ._

**Phil: **_. . ._

**Steve: **_I . . . I see what you did there . . ._

**Bruce: **_HULK SMASH PUNY GOD_

**Loki: **_Oh no, no, no, no. _

**Loki: **_No._

**Bruce: **_YES HULK SMASH_

**Loki: **_No because you do not know where I am._

**Tony: **_Um, re-read my text from ages ago, I know your location._

**Loki: **_Sure you do._

**Tony: **_Jarvis says you are . . . _

**Tony: **_Loki, what the actual hell are you doing in my lab?_

**Loki: **_The question is "whom" am I doing in your lab, but I think you know the answer to that._

**Tony: **_. . ._

**Tony: **_Get me . . . the disinfectant._

**Clint: **_What?_

**Tony: **_I'm going in._

**Thor: **_But Tony, are you sure?_

**Tony: **_This is something I must do._

**Steve: **_Remember Tony, you've got us as back up._

**Tony: **_Thanks, Steve, but this is something I must do alone._

**Natasha: **_If you don't make it, can I have your Audi? _

**Tony: **_I'll make it, the worst that can happen is that I go blind._

**Tony: **_Right, I've got gloves and two spray bottles of disinfectant. I'm going in._

**Thor: **_You are a brave warrior, my friend._

**Clint: **_Text us when you're done._

**Clint: **_Or if you need rescuing._

**xxXXXxx**

**Tony: **_Holy moly llama mama of Jesus . . ._

**Tony: **_MY EYES! THEY BURN!_

**Clint: **_I take it that it didn't go well?_

**Tony: **_To sum it up –_

**Tony: **_WHAT HAS BEEN SEEN CANNOT BE UNSEEN_

**Natasha: **_What's important is that Loki hasn't hurt Nick Fury._

**Clint: **_Oh, my guess is he'll probably be sore in the morning._

**Tony: **_WHAT HAS BEEN HEARD CANNOT BE UNHEARD_

**Thor: **_I have tied up Loki and Nick Fury has returned unharmed to S.H.I.E.L.D._

**Steve: **_Great job, guys. Mission completed._

**Tony: **_WHAT HAS BEEN TOUCHED CANNOT BE UNTOUCHED_

**Bruce: **_Whoa, what exactly went on down there, Tony?_

**Tony: **_. . ._

**Tony: **_What DIDN'T go on down there?!_

**Bruce: **_. . ._

**Bruce: **_Say no more, I get the picture, seriously._

**Natasha: **_Here, Tony, take a look at this._

**Natasha: **_[PXT]_

**Tony: **_. . ._

**Tony: **_Aw kittens._

**Thor: **_How very adorable! Two kittens, one cup :)_

**Tony: **_. . ._

**Clint: **_. . ._

**Tony: **_HOLY POPTARTS THE VISUALS_

**Clint: **_TWO KITTENS . . . ONE CUP _ _

**Steve: **_I don't get what's going on?_

**Thor: **_Nor do I._

**Natasha: **_You've never seen two girls, one cup?_

**Thor: **_Is it an Asgardian goddess battle for the golden chalice?_

**Natasha: **_. . . no._

**Thor: **_Then no._

**Natasha: **_You don't want to watch it, trust me._

**Thor: **_I know what I want . . . a kitten!_

**Loki: **_I shall give you a kitten if you let me go, Thor._

**Thor: **_Hmm, I feel as if you are up to something._

**Loki: **_Lots of kittens._

**Loki: **_A whole litter of them. If you let me go._

**Loki: **_Kittens, Thor._

**Thor: **_Give me the kittens first._

**Loki: **_Fine. Just one._

**Thor: **_. . ._

**Thor: **_It's so fluffy I could die!_

**Thor: **_I shall name him Meownir and he shall be mine, and he shall be my Meownir._

**Steve: **_Crap, guys, Loki has escaped!_

**Bruce: **_Is that a kitten?_

**Thor: **_It is Meownir, and Loki gave him to me so I let him go._

**Steve: **_You what?!_

**Phil: **_Avengers assemble._

**Natasha: **_Doesn't Nick Fury say that?_

**Phil: **_Nick Fury's been kidnapped._

**Tony: **_. . . _

**Tony: **_I quit._


	26. Chapter 26

**A/N First off, 161 REVIEWS! AW YISS! I wouldn't have those if it weren't for you guys (well, duh) so thank you so much! And thank you for your ideas, I really appreciate them. Give yourselves a pat on the back (I wonder how many of you actually did that). I've used legouser318, teenagejustice, and Rubellite Game's ideas, so the pairing for this chapter is FrostIron. And it's kind of . . . well, you'll see. *Suspicious giggle***

**Also, I'm considering writing an actual FrostEye smut oneshot XD**

**Something random: The evening news is where they say, "good evening," and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.**

**Chapter Twenty-Six **

**Loki: **_Tonnnyyy, when are you coming home?_

**Tony: **_Soon, I'm at S.H.I.E.L.D_

**Loki: **_Oh._

**Loki: **_Ok._

**Loki: **_. . ._

**Loki: **_Is soon within the next half an hour?_

**Tony: **_We're in a meeting, not sure when I'll be done. _

**Loki: **_But I need you _now_. _

**Loki: **_:(_

**Tony: **_Why?_

**Loki: **_I'm horny._

**Tony: **_. . ._

**Tony: **_Don't beat around the bush or anything._

**Loki: **_I'm lying in bed right now._

**Loki: **_I'm naked._

**Loki: **_And thinking of you._

**Tony: **_I can't get out of this meeting, Loks, I might be another hour :(_

**Loki: **_Then just talk to me._

**Tony: **_What do you want me to . . . oh, I know exactly the type of things you want me to say._

**Loki: **_Ehehehehehe, why don't you tell me what you would do to me if you were here right now?_

**Tony: **_Depends how well you've behaved recently._

**Tony: **_There was that prank you pulled on Clint earlier, so as you've been a naughty boy I guess I'd have to punish you._

**Loki: **_And what would that involve?  
_

**Tony: **_Spanking is the first thing that comes to mind._

**Loki: **_. . . _

**Loki: **_Just spanking?_

**Tony: **_Well, you haven't been _that_ bad. _

**Loki: **_I guess you don't know about the coffee machine I sabotaged._

**Loki: **_Nor do you know about the high heels I stole from Pepper, which I'm wearing right now._

**Tony: **_. . . just the heels?  
_

**Loki: **_Just the heels. Which I stole. As well as something else._

**Tony: **_Oh, you have been a naughty boy ;)_

**Tony: **_Wait, what else did you steal?_

**Loki: **_That's for me to know and you to find out, my dear ;)_

**Loki: **_. . ._

**Loki: **_Tony?_

**Tony: **_Yeah, sorry, got caught texting. _

**Tony: **_Fury says the meeting will be over shortly. Like in ten minutes. Pretty please wait for me to get home?_

**Loki: **_Why are you asking my permission?_

**Tony: **_Good point._

**Tony: **_Wait for me to get home, and if you don't, I'll jack off right in front of you and won't let you touch me or yourself._

**Loki: **_Oh, well I guess you'd better hurry home then, hadn't you? Ehehehe ;)_

***The next day***

**Thor: **_Has anybody seen my brother?_

**Tony: **_Yes._

**Thor: **_Would you care to tell me where he is?_

**Tony: **_With me, in my bed. _

**Tony: **_We're naked, so don't come in._

**Thor: **_. . . oh._

**Thor: **_I'm not sure what to say to that._

**Tony: **_I do._

**Tony: **_Ehehehehehe._

**Thor: **_Loki?_

**Tony: **_Yes, I am using Tony's phone._

**Tony: **_That is not the only thing of Tony's that I have been using ;)_

**Tony: **_God, damn straight. Oh, it's Tony here again. You really don't know how fitting the nickname "Silvertongue" is for Loki, do you Thor?_

**Thor: **_I . . . am not sure what to say to that._

**Tony: **_Yeah, I should probably stop implying that I think your brother is great in bed._

**Tony: **_Oops._

**Thor: **_I need . . . to go polish Mjolnir._

**Tony: **_You do that, ehehehe._

**Tony: **_. . . _

**Thor: **_Odin's beard! I have lost Mjolnir!_

**Bruce: **_You what? Can't you summon it back?_

**Thor: **_Alas, Mjolnir is not returning to me! I fear a new foe has stolen my hammer and placed an enchantment over it!_

**Tony: **_Loks, we should tell him where his hammer is._

**Thor: **_You know where my hammer is?_

**Loki: **_Yes, I stole it yesterday and have been keeping it in my room ever since._

**Thor: **_Why would you do that?!_

**Loki: **_Well, since you asked, allow me to explain._

**Loki: **_Yesterday I was feeling aroused and Tony had not come home, so I stole your hammer and . . . used it, if you know what I mean. And then Tony came home and caught me in the act, but he found it turned him on so we . . . used your hammer for the rest of the night._

**Thor: **_. . ._

**Bruce: **_. . . oh my god the VISUALS!_

**Bruce: **_HULK NOT LIKE VISUALS!_

**Thor: **_. . . even kittens cannot help me overcome my trauma. _

**Bruce: **_. . . Asdfghjkl_

**Tony: **_Wow, Bruce calm down, seriously._

**Tony: **_We're really sorry Thor, but it was as kinky as hell._

**Loki: **_So in conclusion, we are not sorry, and if you have any complaints you can file a complaint at the complaint centre._

**Thor: **_Yes, I do have quite a lot of complaints, actually :/ Where is this complaint centre?_

**Loki: **_Take the elevator down to the first floor, exit the tower, turn left and walk down the street and keep walking._

**Thor: **_. . ._

**Thor: **_Aha! You are deceiving me! There is no complaint centre!  
_

**Thor: **_But . . . how could you do something so ghastly?_

**Loki: **_Eh, I've done worse._

**Tony: **_Seriously, Loki's done a horse._

**Loki: **_Yes, thank you for bringing that up. _

**Tony: **_You can have your hammer back if you want._

**Thor: **_Uh, you keep it._

**Tony: **_We'll wash and sanitize it first._

**Thor: **_I cannot hold it if I know . . . where the handle has been._

**Loki: **_Ehehehehehe, not just the handle, my dear brother._

**Bruce: **_. . . HULK REALLY NOT LIKE VISUALS!_

**Pepper: **_What the actual heck is going on here? Why has Bruce hulked out? Why can't Thor find his hammer?_

**Tony: **_Ok, firstly, none of this is my fault._

**Tony: **_Secondly, Loki and I took turns fucking each other with Thor's hammer and Bruce hulked out because he didn't like the visuals._

**Pepper: **_. . ._

**Pepper: **_HOW CAN YOU SAY NONE OF THIS IS YOUR FAULT?_

**Pepper: **_It's ALL your fault Tony! You should know better than to have sexual relations with LOKI! The guy almost killed you! He almost killed PHIL! And now you're having _sex_ with him? Are you out of your MIND? This is worse than the time you were DYING and didn't TELL ME! Oh my god, Tony, you are SO to blame for this!_

**Tony: **_. . ._

**Tony: **_I can see why you'd think that . . ._

**Loki: **_Um, excuse me, may I interrupt for just a second?_

**Pepper: **_No! No you may not! I'm only just getting STARTED here!_

**Pepper: **_Secondly, Tony, how could you FUCK THOR'S HAMMER? Are you CRAZY? Obviously you are, because that is such a DISGUSTING thing to do! _

**Tony: **_Hey, it was kinky._

**Pepper: **_I DON'T CARE! IT'S UNSANITARY! Are you going to do the same thing with Steve's SHIELD next? _

**Tony: **_Well, no, since it's round and Frisbee-like and all._

**Pepper: **_What about Clint's ARROWS?_

**Tony: **_Well, no, because ouch._

**Pepper: **_This is just a slippery slope of madness! Pretty soon you'll be fucking Loki all over Nick Fury's DESK! Out of all the things you've done, this is the most ILLOGICAL and INEXPLICABLE!_

**Tony: **_Actually, it's pretty easy to explain._

**Pepper: **_. . ._

**Tony: **_I'm attracted to Loki, he's attracted to me, so we have sex, and he's the one who's as kinky as hell. It was his idea. Also, FYI, we would not fuck all over Nick Fury's desk, but thanks for the idea._

**Pepper: **_. . ._

**Pepper: **_THAT'S your explanation?_

**Tony: **_If we give you back your high heels, will you stop telling me off?_

**Pepper: **_. . . OH MY GOD WHAT WERE YOU DOING WITH MY HIGH HEELS!_

**Tony: **_. . . right, you didn't know about that._

**Pepper: **_TONY! You can keep them if you've been shoving them up certain places! That is disgusting! You've reached an all time low!  
_

**Tony: **_I was about to say, all Loki did was WEAR them. On his feet. And give me a lap dance naked but I don't think you want to hear about that part. _

**Pepper: **_No, no I did not._

**Tony: **_I'll give them back to you, they're completely clean and pure and everything, I swear._

**Pepper: **_I don't care, I'm still going to burn them. And they were NICE SHOES!_

**Thor: **_Unfortunately for me, I cannot simply burn Mjolnir._

**Pepper: **_Can't you get another one?_

**Thor: **_Mjolnir was made from a dying star, or something along those lines, I forget. Something big and mystical and unique, so no, it's nearly impossible to have another one made._

**Thor: **_So thank you Loki, Tony, thank you very much._

**Bruce: **_Ok, I've calmed down now._

**Tony: **_Guys, we're really sorry. But if you had all agreed to that big Avengers orgy Loki and I wanted, then you would all be turned on right now and joining in with the fucking-Thor's-hammer kink._

**Bruce: **_. . ._

**Bruce: **_HULK SICK OF VISUALS!_


	27. Chapter 27

**A/N Eeek, sorry for such a long wait for this, hopefully you'll forgive me because I'm updating twice in one day.**

**For this chapter I've used Meercatwhisperer11 and legouser318's ideas, so the pairing is Science Bros, also Thorki and Clint/Batman. And thankyou to those people who have reviewed, and those who haven't reviewed but have nevertheless faved and/or are following my story. **

**So I read the reviews and am assuming you guys are basically asking for an Avengers orgy. Wow, this story used to be . . . no, it was never innocent, but still. AND I'm currently writing that FrostEye oneshot . . . what have you people done to me?!**

**Chapter Twenty-Seven (wow, almost thirty chapters!)**

**Nick Fury: **_Avengers assemble!_

**Nick Fury: **_. . ._

**Nick Fury: **_God damn it, where is everyone?_

**Clint: **_I'm here sir, as is Natasha._

**Clint: **_Not sure where anyone else has got to though._

**Natasha: **_Well, Thor is downstairs trying to connect with his brother, I'm not sure where Steve is, and Tony and Bruce are in their lab._

**Steve: **_Guys, help._

**Nick Fury: **_Where are you Rogers? I need the Avengers._

**Steve: **_Darn, really? I'm kind of stuck right now._

**Steve: **_Please send help._

**Natasha: **_What's your situation Steve? Is it Dr. Doom? Or Loki's minions? Or Thanos?_

**Steve: **_No, just this thing called a "revolving door". _

**Steve: **_It appears to have a mind of its own and is keeping me from leaving! _

**Steve: **_. . ._

**Steve: **_Plz help meh_

**Natasha: **_. . . oh Steve._

**Nick Fury: **_Natasha, get out there and help Rogers. Clint, I need you to get Thor, and I'll have Agent Coulson round up the other two._

**Clint: **_Sir, yessir._

***Later that day***

**Nick Fury: **_Is everyone there? _

**Natasha: **_I have Steve._

**Clint: **_I've got Thor._

**Nick Fury: **_Coulson, did you manage to tear Banner and Stark from their work?_

**Phil Coulson: **_. . ._

**Phil Coulson: **_In a way . . ._

**Tony: **_Goddamn it, I was _in the middle_ of something with Bruce, what's all this about?_

**Nick Fury: **_I'm assembling the Avengers. Batman has contacted us and he needs our help._

**Tony: **_Whoa, Batman? Isn't he just a comic-book character?_

**Nick Fury: **_No, but you are not authorised to know anything other than he needs our help._

**Batman: **_Hello, Avengers._

**Clint: **_Wait, you're seriously Batman? OMG I read your comics growing up. I'm a big, big fan :D_

**Batman: **_It's always nice to meet a fan :)_

**Clint: **_OMG guys did you read that? Batman smiled at me XD_

**Natasha: **_Anyway, moving on._

**Natasha: **_What's the situation, director?_

**Tony: **_Wait, wait, wait, can I just firstly express that I was in _the middle _of something with Bruce and I do not appreciate being interrupted?_

**Natasha: **_. . . #like you're not doing the same thing to me_

**Nick Fury: **_Stark, no one cares what you and Bruce get up to in your lab and how important it is to you. _

**Tony: **_Well, I suppose it's a good thing you don't care, because Bruce and I are fucking._

**Nick Fury: **_. . ._

**Tony: **_For science, of course. A little experiment of our own, right Bruce?_

**Bruce: **_Ahem, well, yes . . ._

**Phil Coulson: **_. . ._

**Phil Coulson: **_I think you should know that I deserve a raise, after venturing down to their lab and walking in . . . on their "science experiment"._

**Nick Fury: **_Done. I just need the Avengers out in Gotham City._

**Clint: **_OMG _

**Natasha: **_Stop fanboying, Clint, and get your ass to the Quinjet._

**Clint: **_Fine, but once this is over, I'm getting Batman's signature._

***The next day***

**Steve: **_So I'd say that was a job well done, guys._

**Natasha: **_I guess, I mean, the Joker wasn't too hard to take down. Eventually._

**Batman: **_Thanks, Avengers, for helping me out. It's much appreciated._

**Batman: **_To thank you for your help, I'm throwing a celebratory party. You're all invited._

**Clint: **_OMG really? Thanks! :"D_

**Steve: **_I'll tell the others._

**Steve: **_. . ._

**Steve: **_Hold on, has anyone seen Tony or Bruce?_

**Natasha: **_Try their lab . . . but knock first._

**Steve: **_Um, sure. _

**Steve: **_Be right back._

***Later***

**Steve: **_. . ._

**Tony: **_Steve, why are you in the closet? _

**Tony: **_Seriously, are you really that freaked out?_

**Natasha: **_What's going on? _

**Tony: **_Steve walked in on me and Bruce doing . . . science stuff._

**Natasha: **_I told him to knock first._

**Tony: **_Well he did but we didn't hear him and Jarvis told him to just go in. And when he saw us he shrieked like a little girl and ran and is now hiding in his closet._

**Steve: **_For your information, I did not shriek like a little girl._

**Steve: **_I gave an involuntary shout. _

**Tony: **_He gasped too and he looked so scandalised, haha._

**Natasha: **_Come on Steve, I'm sure you've seen worse. What exactly where they doing?_

**Tony: **_Well, allow me to explain, mwahahaha._

**Bruce: **_No, Tony, don't._

**Bruce: **_What happens in the science lab, stays in the science lab, remember?_

**Tony: **_But not everything happened in the science lab, now did it? ;)_

**Natasha: **_Ok stop, please spare me the details; I just want you to make sure Steve is ok. If we have to go into battle today he won't be very useful if he's still freaking out._

**Tony: **_Fine, I'm on it. I'll bring him a piece offering of cake._

**Thor: **_Um, what cake? Chocolate cake?_

**Tony: **_Yeah, chocolate cake._

**Thor: **_Oh, well, I ate the chocolate cake._

**Tony: **_. . . all of it?_

**Thor: **_Yes . . ._

**Tony: **_It was a big cake._

**Thor: **_Yes . . ._

**Tony: **_Enough for everyone on the team to have seconds._

**Thor: **_Yes . . ._

**Tony: **_And you ate all of it._

**Thor: **_Yes . . . my apologies. _

**Thor: **_If Steven requires food, allow me to offer my Pop-Tarts as compensation._

**Tony: **_It's ok, I'll just make something else._

**Tony: **_What does Steve like again?_

**Natasha: **_He likes scones._

**Tony: **_Scones it is._

**Thor: **_I ate those too._

**Tony: **_. . . we still have that leftover Shawarma, don't we?_

**Thor: **_. . ._

**Thor: **_Um, well, I ate the Shawarma._

**Tony: **_Ok, here's a question; what DIDN'T you eat?!_

**Thor: **_I have some Pop-Tarts._

**Tony: **_So, what, there's NO FOOD in the fridge?_

**Thor: **_No . . ._

**Tony: **_Thor! I had enough food delivered to last a week! For all of us! And you ate it all in one day?_

**Thor: **_Yes . . ._

**Tony: **_That's it, give me those Pop-Tarts._

**Thor: **_. . . I just ate them._

**Tony: **_. . . are you kidding me?! Why?  
_

**Thor: **_Because you were shouting at me! I eat when I am distressed. And my talk with Loki did not go well. _

**Tony: **_*Sigh* what happened?_

**Thor: **_He was saying disturbing things . . . about what he would do to me if I were in his place in the cell and he on the outside. _

**Tony: **_Like, what sorts of things? Take your Pop-Tarts?_

**Thor: **_No . . . things that . . . well, I dare not think of what mother would say if she heard the words coming out of my brother's mouth._

**Loki: **_Wouldn't it be the words coming INTO my mouth? And by words I mean you ;)_

**Tony: **_Oh, well, THOSE sorts of things._

**Thor: **_Yes . . . _

**Thor: **_. . ._

**Clint: **_Ok, WHAT the hell is going on!_

**Clint: **_Why is Thor in the kitchen making such a huge racket?  
_

**Tony: **_What's he doing?_

**Clint: **_Sounds like he's rummaging through the cupboards._

**Tony: **_And where are you?_

**Clint: **_. . ._

**Clint: **_With Batman. But you don't need to know what we're doing._

**Tony: **_Right . . . Loki, apologise to your brother, otherwise he's going to start gnawing the fridge or something._

**Loki: **_Fine, but just know that I am not sorry, ehehehe. _

**Bruce: **_Has anyone seen Steve? I need to talk to him._

**Tony: **_Crap, he's still in the closet._

**Clint: **_No, NO HE IS NOT!  
_

**Tony: **_What do you mean?_

**Steve: **_Oh my gosh! I don't want to live in this world anymore! I want to go back to the 1940's where sex was a very hush hush private matter and people LOCKED their doors CLINT!_

**Clint: **_Well I wouldn't need to if SOME PEOPLE learned to KNOCK first!_

**Steve: **_Yeah, but when you told me you were going to prove your devotion to Batman, I thought you meant showing him your trading cards or something._

**Steve: **_NOT sucking his . . . well._

**Tony: **_Wait, Clint, you were doing WHAT now?_

**Clint: **_I can explain!_

**Clint: **_. . ._

**Clint: **_You're all jealous that I got Batman and you didn't!  
_

**Tony: **_I'm hardly jealous, I have Bruce for those kinds of things._

**Tony: **_And the Hulk._

**Tony: **_And that's kinky as hell._

**Thor: **_I do not want to hear it, I am disturbed enough already._

**Tony: **_But I thought Loki apologised to you._

**Thor: **_Yes, and that disturbed me further, for he wanted to give me an apology blowj . . . well._

**Loki: **_Well indeed ;)_

**Clint: **_Oh my god, so THAT'S what that noise was!_

**Clint: **_. . . Ew_

**Loki: **_Like you weren't doing the same thing to the man of bats._

**Batman: **_I'm _Batman_._

**Tony: **_Talking of which, Brucey-kins, what were you going to ask Steve?_

**Bruce: **_How is that related to Batman . . . anyway, I was going to ask . . . if he wanted to have a threesome with you and me._

**Tony: **_. . ._

**Bruce: **_But I won't ask if that's not ok with you._

**Tony: **_OMG ask him._

**Bruce: **_Really?_

**Tony: **_Yes! And hey, Clint, Batman, Thor and Loki, do you guys want to join in? We can have that long-awaited Avengers orgy!_

**Thor/Loki/Clint/Batman: **_. . . O_o_

**Nick Fury: **_. . . I'm the one who created the Avengers initiative and assembled the team._

**Nick Fury: **_And now I'm thinking, what have I done?!_

**Tony: **_Oh, I was about to say, you can join in too. We all know you have a crush on Loki._

**Phil Coulson: **_Yeah . . . I didn't need to read any of this either. This isn't in my job description so imma gonna leave now._

***The next day***

**Bruce: **_. . . wow. _

**Tony: **_My . . . lord._

**Clint: **_You can say that again._

**Natasha: **_Hey guys, what did everybody get up to last night?_

**Tony: **_Nothing much, we just had a gay orgy._

**Natasha: **_. . . and you didn't think to invite me?_

**Tony: **_Like I said, GAY orgy._

**Natasha: **_I meant to watch. _

**Tony: **_. . . well that's just a bit creepy._

**Bruce: **_Guys, if Fury asks, what happened in the tower stays in the tower, ok?_

**Clint: **_What happens if Fury asks when he's in the tower?_

**Bruce: **_. . ._

**Bruce: **_What happened in Clint's room stays in Clint's room._

**Clint: **_Aw yiss :D_

**Batman: **_I've never done anything like that before, but I have to say, I regret nothing._

**Tony: **_Hey, maybe next time you can invite Robin._

**Clint: **_No, I don't want to share Batman with even more people._

**Loki: **_Nor do I want to share Thor again._

**Steve: **_So this was like a once-off? Ok, I can live with that. Just nobody ever mention anything ever again._

**Tony: **_Aw, Steve do you regret what we did last night? I could have sworn you enjoyed it ;)_

**Steve: **_Actually, I shouldn't have joined. I'm actually in love with Phil._

**Tony: **_. . . we are so having another orgy and you are so inviting Phil._

**Nick Fury: **_What's this about an orgy?_

**Steve: **_We had one. Last night._

**Bruce: **_Steve! What happens in Clint's room stays in Clint's room!_

**Steve: **_Well, we barely made it to Clint's room._

**Nick Fury: **_. . ._

**Nick Fury: **_Aw hell no._

**Batman: **_Uh, I think it's time for me to leave now._

**Clint: **_Wait, you haven't said goodbye._

**Clint: **_You said you were going to call me in the morning!_

**Batman: **_Yeah, well, I have to move on._

**Clint: **_But I thought we had something special :(_

**Batman: **_You sucked my dick, that's nothing special, I can get Robin to do that._

**Tony: **_Wow, who knew Batman's a jerk._

**Loki: **_Oh, who cares? Can he just say his goodbyes quickly so Thor and I can retire to our bedroom where we can make sweet, sweet lurve to each other all day long?_

**Tony/Bruce/Steve/Clint/Nick Fury/Natasha: **_. . . O.o_

**Batman: **_. . ._

**Batman: **_I'm . . . Batman._

**Batman: **_No, you know what I am? I am so outta here. You people are messed up._

**Clint: **_Oh, I see how it is._

**Clint: **_. . . _

**Clint: **_PS writing "Batman's" on my dick does not count as a signature, so you owe me._

**Clint: **_. . ._

**Clint: **_Batman?_

**Clint: **_. . ._

**Clint:**_ :'(_

_xxXXXxx_

**A/N Aw, poor Clint. It's not total crap, is it? Tell me what you think, but if you don't have anything nice to say, lie and compliment me instead XD**


	28. Chapter 28

**A/N Second chapter update in one day, as promised. Hope you like it :3 Clint, Steve and Tony all turn gay for a certain someone. No, he is not on the Avengers . . . he is **_**in **_**the Avengers . . . wow, not like that, I mean the movie. He's in the **_**movie**_**.**

**Chapter Twenty-Eight (My lucky number)**

**Tony: **_Pssst._

**Clint: **_. . . Tony? It's like, 1:28am._

**Tony: **_. . . pssst._

**Clint: **_What do you want?! You better have a good reason for waking me up._

**Tony: **_I can't sleep._

**Clint: **_. . . why not?_

**Tony: **_I'm scared. _

**Tony: **_I heard a noise._

**Clint: **_We're the fucking Avengers, Tony. Suck it up. And if you're that worried, just get Jarvis to tell you what the noise is. I'm going back to sleep._

**Tony: **_. . ._

**Tony: **_Jarvis says it was just a pigeon hitting my window._

**Tony: **_. . . Clint, I think it wants to kill me._

**Clint: **_He's not the only one._

**Clint: **_Pigeons aren't evil, ok? Just shhh and sleep._

**Tony: **_. . . but maybe _this_ pigeon is evil._

**Clint: **_Shhhh._

**Clint: **_Sleep._

**Tony: **_Fine. _

**Tony: **_I'll go on the Internet._

***Half an hour later***

**Tony: **_Hey Clint, oh my god Clint!_

**Clint: **_I was just about to drift off to sleep!_

**Tony: **_Sorry, anyway, I was doing some research, and did you know there's a fear called ornithophobia, and that's the fear of birds?_

**Tony: **_Or maybe I have "ligyrophobia", which is the fear of loud noises, combined with "noctiphobia", which is the fear of night. So would that be, "noctiligyrophobia?" The fear of loud noises in the night?_

**Clint: **_The only thing you should fear is your imminent death if you don't shut up and let me go to sleep._

**Tony: **_Ok, fine._

**Tony: **_. . ._

**Tony: **_The fear of death is "necrophobia"._

**Clint: **_. . . _

**Tony: **_Ooh, here's a cool one. "Arachibutyrophobia" is the fear of peanut butter sticking to the roof of one's mouth._

**Clint: **_I'll peanut butter you to the roof in a minute._

**Tony: **_Wow, someone's a little cranky. _

**Clint: **_. . . you know what, I hope that pigeon _is_ out to kill you._

**Tony: **_Aw, don't be mean – oh my god it hit my window again!_

**Clint: **_I guess that pigeon _is_ evil. Sweet dreams, Tony._

***The next morning . . . or at least at a more reasonable hour in the morning***

**Steve: **_Clint, you ok? We missed you at breakfast._

**Clint: **_Sorry, slept in. Tony was keeping me up all night._

**Steve: **_. . . dare I ask how he was accomplishing that?_

**Clint: **_Don't get the wrong idea, he was just complaining about an evil pigeon flying into his window with the intention of getting in to kill him._

**Thor: **_An evil pigeon? There is no such thing, surely? _

**Clint: **_No, buddy, there isn't. Which was the problem, because Tony would not leave me alone._

**Steve: **_Has anyone seen Tony this morning? He missed breakfast too._

**Clint: **_. . . OH MY GOD!  
_

**Clint: **_Fuck, Tony is in my bed!_

**Steve: **_What's he doing there?!_

**Tony: **_Allow me to explain._

**Tony: **_After being freaked out by the pigeon, which was totally evil by the way, I developed "isolophobia" which is the fear of being alone. So I snuck into Clint's room . . . and his bed. He didn't hear me 'cause he was fast asleep. _

**Clint: **_. . ._

**Clint: **_Ok, I've kicked him out. _

**Tony: **_Promise to call me tomorrow morning? ;)_

**Clint: **_. . . And stay out, thank you very much._

**Tony: **_I see. Where's all the sympathy for me? Friends, what friends? I think I'm going to go on the Internet again because my so-called friends don't seem to like me anymore._

**Thor: **_Friend Tony, that is not true! Who has been filling your head with these lies?_

**Tony: **_They're not lies, they're quite obviously true because where were you guys in my time of need?_

**Clint: **_When the pigeon "attacked"? I was sleeping. Until you woke me up._

**Thor: **_I do not believe there is such a thing as an evil pigeon, Tony._

**Thor: **_But I do believe there is such a thing as an evil chicken. In fact, I have seen one with my own two eyes._

**Thor: **_It pecked my toe._

**Steve: **_There is no such thing as an evil chicken, or pigeon, now Tony and Clint are you going to come down and eat breakfast or not?_

**Tony: **_Yes, mum :P_

**Thor: **_Still, I fear that that same chicken is out there, watching me._

**Tony: **_That's an actual fear. Fear of a chicken watching you from afar. Or was it the fear of a duck out there somewhere, watching you?_

**Tony: **_I'll have to Google it._

**Steve: **_Not until you eat breakfast, mister._

**Tony: **_:( Fine, actually, I'll multitask._

***An hour later***

**Tony: **_OH MY GOD! YOU GUYS HAVE TO SEE THIS! _

**Bruce: **_What?! Is something wrong?_

**Tony: **_Something is VERY wrong! Loki has recruited an army at "hall h" at something called "comic-con". I'm viewing footage from . . . a while ago, actually, why didn't anyone alert the Avengers?_

**Tony: **_There's a whole crowd of people, I think they're just civilians, but they're basically . . . worshipping him._

**Thor: **_Well, my brother is a God, but this news is most disturbing. These civilians should not love my brother, for he tried to take over their world._

**Natasha: **_Nobody panic, guys, it's not Loki._

**Bruce: **_Are you sure?_

**Natasha: **_If you read the summary of what's going on in the video, you'll realise that it's not Loki, it's just some guy dressing up like him._

**Natasha: **_The guy's name is Tom Hiddleston, he's an actor, and he's "costume roleplaying" or cosplaying, as Loki. _

**Tony: **_. . . really? Oh, yeah, you're right. God he's good._

**Tony: **_But still, like that pigeon, I don't trust him. I'm going to Google him._

**Natasha: **_Um, Tony, that's not such a good idea._

**Natasha: **_It's been said that teenage girls who look up Tom Hiddleston . . . are never the same again._

**Tony: **_Yeah, but I'm not a teenage girl._

**Natasha: **_Well, if you get a Hiddleboner or get Hiddlestoned, I get to say I told you so._

**Tony: **_. . . I don't even know what that means. Google time._

***Three hours later***

**Bruce: **_Hey Tony, I thought we were going to work more on our project?_

**Tony: **_Maybe later._

**Tony: **_OMG :3_

**Bruce: **_Um . . . Tony? You ok, buddy?_

**Tony: **_Yeah, fine._

**Tony: **_It's just that I'm looking at a gif of Tom Hiddleston dancing on stage. OMG he is so adorable._

**Natasha: **_I told you so. _

**Natasha: **_Tony, you're sucked in by Tom Hiddleston's charm like those teenage girls I was telling you about._

**Tony: **_Yeah, but how can I not? He's so good looking. And is that really a bad thing?_

**Clint: **_Uh, what's up with Tony? Is he sick?_

**Natasha: **_This looks pretty grim, guys. It's a once you go in, you won't come out situation. But maybe there's a small bit of hope that the Tony we know and love will return to us._

**Natasha: **_So, Tony, I'm going to ask you a question and I want you to answer it as accurately as you can._

**Natasha: **_Have you been on Tumblr?_

**Tony: **_. . . duh._

**Natasha: **_Which one?_

**Tony: **_Only the best, Fuck You Tom Hiddleston._

**Natasha: **_. . . I stand corrected. All hope is lost._

**Tony: **_I have like, 1000 pics and gifs of him saved to my desktop already. In a folder called "Hiddles" :3_

**Steve: **_Why?_

**Tony: **_WHY? You dare ask WHY? Because I love him, that's WHY!_

**Steve: **_Love "him"? Aren't you straight?_

**Tony: **_Kind of bisexual._

**Tony: **_But I am so Hiddlestoned :3 *is gay now*_

**Clint: **_Who is this guy anyway?_

**Tony: **_. . . I'll send a pic._

**Tony: **_[PXT] _

**Clint: **_. . ._

**Clint: **_Eh, he doesn't look that special._

**Tony: **_. . ._

**Natasha: **_Oh crap, Clint, you shouldn't have said that. I am totally going to have to write up an instruction manual on how to handle Tony and his fanboying._

**Tony: **_. . . YOU WILL LEARN TO LOVE HIDDLES!_

**Tony: **_Get in here, Clint, I am going to sit you down and go through every single photo and gif and make you LOVE him!_

**Clint: **_Yeah, well, I'm not "kinda bisexual" I'm completely straight. So good luck with that._

**Tony: **_Hmm, I'll have to show you a picture of him wearing a suit and sitting._

**Clint: **_Um, heaps of people do that, why is Tom Hiddleston any different?_

**Tony: **_. . . because . . . I can't even. _

***Yet another three hours later***

**Natasha: **_So, Clint, how are you feeling?_

**Clint: **_I don't know . . . I feel strange . . . like, I am so totally bored right now, and all I can think about is Tom Hiddleston . . . where's Tony?! I need to see Tom's face again!_

**Clint: **_Tony, oh my god, can I see Hiddles again, please? _

**Tony: **_You already looked at him for three hours today._

**Clint: **_Yes but he's all I can think about._

**Tony: **_I don't know, it might be dangerous if you're exposed to too much Hiddles. Just take it slow, ok? _

**Clint: **_No, I NEED TO SEE HIS FACE!_

**Steve: **_You guys are ridiculous, why are you so addicted to this guy? What's so great about him anyway?_

**Clint: **_. . . _

**Tony: **_. . . _

**Natasha: **_Yep, I should definitely get to work on that instruction manual._

***Three hours later . . .***

**Steve: **_. . . I feel strange . . . I feel like I'm unable to live life normally due to Tom Hiddleston's charm, beauty, voice and intelligence. I think I'm going to go on this wonderful sight called Tumblr. I feel like I can barely talk about anything but him, and the people on Tumblr seem to understand my pain._

**Steve: **_. . ._

**Natasha: **_Oh my god, it's like an epidemic! First Tony, then Clint, and now Steve. Who's next?_

**Tony: **_Hey Nat, look at this guy!_

**Tony: **_[PXT]_

**Natasha: **_. . . Oh my God :O *hiddleboner*_

**Thor: **_What is going on here? Bruce, are our friends under some kind of spell? Is this son of Hiddle a sorcerer?_

**Bruce: **_I don't know, maybe, and it wouldn't surprise me._

**Bruce: **_They're . . . not moving. They're eerily glued to their laptops. I passed Tony earlier, and he was licking his screen._

**Thor: **_This is definitely cause for concern. What can we do?_

**Bruce: **_. . . I know, we can call Tom Hiddleston and ask if we can meet him? We're the Avengers, I'm sure he'd love to meet us anyway._

**Tony: **_OH MY GOD! YES! YES! YES! I have a chance with Tom Hiddleston! Oh my God!_

**Clint: **_Nuh-uh! I'm younger than you, I'm closer to his age, and who doesn't love Hawkeye?_

**Natasha: **_Oh please, I'm the one with breasts. Apparently I look like Scarlett Johansson, and Tom Hiddleston's really close friends with her. You guys have no way in hell. He's straight._

**Tony: **_So was Clint, but I single-handedly turned him gay. Same with Steve._

**Steve: **_. . . I don't like what you're implying there, Tony._

**Steve: **_And anyway, I'm Captain America. He's a freaking saint, and I'm a freaking saint. He and I are both worthy enough to lift Thor's hammer, I'm pretty sure I'VE got the best chance of going out with him!_

**Natasha: **_No, like I said, I'M the girl!_

**Tony: **_And like I said, I could easily make him gay. I can't show him pictures of himself because he is immune and unaware of his own . . . everything really, so maybe I'll just show him pictures of me :3_

**Clint: **_We're the freaking AVENGERS I bet he's just going to want to have an orgy with all four of us . . ._

**Steve: **_. . . :O_

**Tony: **_No, I think he's too pure for that._

**Natasha: **_True, but maybe we can TOUCH HIS HAIR!_

**Clint: **_Oh my god, you know what I'm going to do? I'm going to be the first in the world to work out what the actual heck his EYE COLOUR IS!_

**Steve: **_I'M GOING TO SIT ACROSS FROM HIM! Dibs! Dibs sitting across from him!_

**Tony: **_Damn, you'll get full view of how he sits with his knees four metres apart. Fine, dibs sitting next to him!_

**Thor: **_Bruce, I do believe suggesting we meet this Tom Hiddleston was not a very wise move._

**Bruce: **_I agree . . . you know what? We can never, ever, ever, _ever_ let them meet Tom Hiddleston._

**Bruce: **_Ever._


End file.
